Where Soulful Women Find Their Tribe in Austin

August 21, 2018

We are excited to feature Austin counselors and founders of Vibe Tribe ATX, Alyssa Cornett, LMFT and Sara Paules, LPC. Sara and Alyssa created Vibe Tribe ATX out of their shared passion for helping women build community.

“What our ancestors once depended on from many different people in their tribe, we now are expected to achieve on our own. Our brain is still wired for connection in this isolating new world of ours and wrecks havoc on our mental, emotional and physical health when we aren't connecting with each other. Loneliness is a signal that we need to connect with a tribe, and we want to help you find yours.”

Vibe Tribe ATX is reaching the community through a six-part workshop series called Soul Sunday. The workshops are a safe space for soulful women to come and experience authentic support and engage in insightful discussions about real life issues while building deep relationships with each other. The next Soul Sunday, Mindfulness + Self Compassion, is coming up next week, and the last two workshops for the year will explore healing from trauma/difficult life experiences, as well as creating boundaries and good communication skills with difficult people.

Register for Mindfulness + Self Compassion here!

Keep reading to find out more about Sara and Alyssa's counseling and therapy practices and their work with Vibe Tribe ATX.

Tell us a little bit about who you are and what you do.

Alyssa: I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship coaching and couples therapy. I help individuals and couples journey through their interpersonal and relational challenges to build healthier, happier, more fulfilling lifestyles and relationships. I find so much joy in helping others build confidence and competency to reach for the life they've envisioned!

Sara: I'm a mindfulness-based Licensed Professional Counselor & EMDR therapist, and I work primarily with women who are struggling with depression, body image, bipolar disorder, sexual trauma and suicidality. Clients tend to describe me as compassionate, kind, relatable, and direct in my approach... and a little bit goofy.

How can people benefit from what you offer?

Alyssa: Many people wait to come to counseling until they are in a space of heightened distress, but I encourage people to seek support at ANY time in their lives. My clients benefit from building a healthier sense of self and in turn strengthening the relationship with themselves, others and their passions!

Sara: Some of our life events & stories can be difficult to relive and talk about. I believe that each time we tell our stories to a compassionate listener, we take back a little more of our power & control. I help women in therapy to heal past traumas so they can feel happier and more empowered in their lives.

What are your passions?

Alyssa: When I'm not in the therapy office, you can find me doing anything outside, hiking the greenbelt, enjoying some delicious yums on a patio, traveling and adventuring anywhere and everywhere I can (local and afar!), or sipping some coffee while reading a good book.

Sara: When I'm not in my therapist chair, I enjoy spending time with my family, cooking new recipes, gardening, meditation, yoga, staying inside to read a good book, getting some more acupuncture in (one of my favorite self-care activities), smudging everything around me, finding new crystals at Nature's Treasures… and admittedly, watching a little bit of trashy reality TV on the DL from time to time.

What’s been your favorite part so far about working in your field?

Alyssa: Watching my clients find the courage and strength to discover their most authentic selves is by far my favorite! The journey looks different for everyone, but getting to share in my clients personal experience with it is the best part of the therapeutic process!

Sara: Seeing my clients come in each week and work so hard to heal, even when they don't feel like it. I learn so much from my clients about the power of human resiliency and strength after going through difficult situations.

What can people expect from working with you?

Alyssa: I offer individual therapy, couples therapy, and relationship coaching for individuals and couples at any stage of their life and/or relationship. I focus on helping individuals and couples strengthen their connections, deepen their passion and enhance their lives in a more fulfilling and meaningful way! Our work together is goal-oriented and systems based - I help my clients establish a direction and encourage growth through exploration, attentiveness, and action! Together we identify and address challenges in order to establish a greater sense of fulfillment and transformation.

Sara: In my own practice, I offer individual therapy and EMDR for individuals struggling with trauma, depression, bipolar disorder, body image and suicidality.

Tell us about your journey in creating Vibe Tribe ATX!

Alyssa: Sara and I were so connected by the idea of bringing together a community of empowered women. We wanted to reignite an excitement to create and connect with others while also diving deeper into a more genuine sense of self. We decided that we wanted to help women do this by creating a safe space for soulful, insightful, supportive and authentic discussions with others through Soul Sunday.

Sara: I just remember sitting in on so many empowering and enlightening consultation groups for therapists and thinking, "These soul-filling, nourishing conversations need to be had with other women who aren't in our field.” Alyssa and I both had a similar vision of providing a space for women to come together in community to discuss some of life's most difficult topics, such as self care, relationships, trauma, depression and boundaries.

Why is it important for you to cultivate a community like Vibe Tribe ATX?

Alyssa: There just aren't enough judgement free zones for women to create authentic conversations and connections. Vibe Tribe gives them the space and freedom to thrive!

Sara: Women are expected to look, act, and be perfect starting from birth. It's so important that women have these types of safe communities where they can openly talk about important conversations without judgment.

How can people connect with you?

We love to connect! Coffee, questions, connections, let's do it!

Vibe Tribe ATX

Website | www.vibetribeatx.com
Instagram | @vibetribeatx
Facebook | www.facebook.com/vibetribeatx

Sara Paules, LPC

Website | www.mindfulsoulcenter.com
Instagram | @mindfultherapyatx
Facebook | www.facebook.com/mindfultherapyatx

Alyssa Cornett, LMFT

Website | www.loventuretherapy.com
Instagram | @loventuretherapyatx
Email | alyssa@thepracticeatx.com
Phone | 737.226.3803

Wedding Planning is Stressful, Premarital Counseling Doesn’t Have to Be!

August 10, 2018

We know that you have many options for premarital counseling in Austin. There’s weekly premarital counseling with a couples counselor, programs offered through a church, and a few premarital workshops around town. But what if you could spend the day with your partner in a beautiful, retreat-like setting learning all kinds of ways to set your marriage up for success?

Coming up in October, Austin Relational Wellness is holding the Creating Connection Couples Retreat. The one-day retreat is held on Saturday, October 20th in the beautiful Texas Hill Country. The venue is just a short drive outside the city to southwest Austin. It’s an inviting, comfortable space with beautiful grounds. Throughout the day, you’ll be able to enjoy the area, dine on delicious food and snacks, and sip on ice cold beverages.

What to expect from our premarital couples retreat

We’ll begin our day with a light breakfast and coffee as we introduce ourselves, give you a chance to get to know one another a bit through a couples game, and set our intentions for the day. Then we’ll dive into an exercise to help you get a sense of the strength and growth areas in your relationship. Next, we’ll teach you about many of the things that contribute to healthy, sound marriages and do some activities to figure out what that means for your own relationship.

During our break for lunch, you’ll have a chance to connect with your partner alone as you enjoy the grounds during a couples picnic… blankets and baskets included! After lunch, you’ll learn about a concept surrounding certain needs that we all have in relationships. We’ll help you figure out your own needs, as well as your partner’s, and do some activities to help you get a better understanding of what these look like for each of you.

Because every relationship has conflict, the next part of our day will focus on communication and conflict management. We’ll teach you some evidence-based techniques to help with communicating during conflict. We’ll incorporate all that we’ve learned about needs to help you each learn to ask for what you need in a positive way so that you can be the very best partners you can be to one another.

Breaks will be built in throughout the day to give you a chance to enjoy the location, mingle with other couples, dine on snacks, play a few yard games, and just have some down-time. We’re also excited to offer a couples massage lesson. This portion of the day gets you out of your head and connected with your partner to teach you ways to increase closeness and affection. Our licensed massage therapist will give a group lesson on basic massage techniques that you can use to help meet your partner’s needs. Comfy clothes are a must for this part of our day!

We’ll wrap up by focusing on your vision for the future of your relationship, including pre-planning some future date night ideas. By creating this vision, you’ll be able to take what you’ve learned and apply it to your relationship going forward.

If you’re looking for an alternative to premarital counseling in Austin, our couples retreat is a great fit for you! You can find more information and reserve your spot for our next retreat here.

2 Things to Know About Relationships | Tips From an Austin Marriage Counselor

August 3, 2018

Here are 2 things you need to know about relationships this week, from turning towards your partner to the importance of social connection and relationships.

Couples who are better at doing this one thing stay married

John Gottman is a major influencer in the couples counseling and marriage therapy world. He’s been researching what makes marriages work, and not work, for over 30 years and has been known to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy just by observing a couple during the first three minutes of meeting.

Gottman revolutionized the study of marriage and has created a therapeutic model that helps couples repair troubled relationships and strengthen happy ones. Our couples therapists are trained in the Gottman Method, and we use the method with our couples who seek out marriage and relationship counseling.

This article explains the importance of the third level of Gottman’s Sound Relationship House Theory, Turn Towards Instead of Away. This concept can be simply explained as the way we respond to our partner’s bids for connection, whether it be through affection, attention, or another positive connection. In the study described in the article, researchers followed up with participants and found that newlywed couples who were still married after six years turned towards one another 86% of the time, while couples who had divorced averaged turning towards only 33%.

Check out the full read for more details on how you can turn towards your partner.

New study found loneliness is worse for your health than obesity

As counselors, we believe in the importance of healthy relationships and the value of remaining socially connected. As humans, we’re meant to relate to other people and live in community, but social isolation and loneliness are on the rise in our culture.

In a recent study, Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a researcher and professor of psychology, found that “a greater social connection” cuts a person’s risk of early death by 50%. She also looked at the role that loneliness, social isolation, and living alone played in a person’s lifespan and found each factor was as much, if not more, of a threat to a person’s health as obesity. All three conditions were found to be detrimental to health and significantly raised the risk of premature death.

“According to AARP’s Loneliness Study conducted in 2010, 35 percent of Americans age 45 and older are suffering from chronic loneliness — which equates to about 43 million people. Similarly, half the country’s adult population is unmarried and more than a quarter live alone, according to U.S. census data.”

Read the full articles for more info on the important effects of loneliness on our physical and mental health.

At Austin Relational Wellness, we believe in the power of social connection and healthy relationships. We’re passionate about helping Austin couples strengthen their relationships. Looking for an Austin marriage counselor or couples therapist? Contact us to find out if our therapists are a good fit for your relationship.

-Cat

4 Austin Summer Date Ideas to Improve your Marriage

July 16, 2018

It’s summertime! Time for sun, time for water, time for vacations, time for family, and a great time to nurture your marriage or relationship .

Prioritizing spending quality time with one another on a regular basis is important for your relationship. But how can you go about nurturing your relationship this summer? It’s not always enough just to be together in the same space. It’s also important to connect purposefully. Planning a weekly date where you can have that meaningful connection without all the added distractions of kids, family, work, and outside stress is one way to create a space for meaningful connection.

This summer, make your marriage a priority. Set aside time to go on dates, build your friendship, and truly enjoy one another.

How to plan meaningful dates

When you sit down to plan your next date, try thinking about what type of connection your relationship really needs at the moment. What have you been missing? Do you need time to talk about the things you’re looking forward to or the things that have really been stressing each of you out lately? Do you need to leave all of that behind and just have fun together without worrying about anything else? Do you need to get outside since you’ve both been cooped up doing house chores lately?

Next, consider the ways the environment or atmosphere might affect your relationship need. Wherever you go, it’s important to make sure you’ll be able to have the type of connection you and your partner need. Will you be able to hear one another in the space or will it be too loud and chaotic? Will the TVs at a sports bar be a distraction if you’re really needing a quiet space to talk? Is the environment too stuffy for you to be able to let loose together?

Need some Austin date ideas?

Dine at El Mesón Tequilería

Good if you need: A space to slow down and talk to one another without distractions
Atmosphere: Laid back, dim lighting, and great service
Favorites: The no-mix, fresh margaritas!

Take mural photos

Good if you need: To save money, to go on an adventure, and to be creative
Atmosphere: Sunshine and time together in the car
Favorites: Discovering new places along the way and enjoying the photos long after it’s over

Float the San Marcos river

Good if you need: A couple of hours to chat, to soak up some sun, and to work together
Atmosphere: Peaceful and relaxing on weekdays, and a little wild on the weekends
Favorites: Prettiest float in Central Texas, laid back people, and helping each other through the rapids

Go watch a roller derby bout

Good if you need: Some excitement and a unique experience
Atmosphere: High-energy, fun, and a pretty gnarly
Favorites: All the creative player names and tough ladies!

Check out 4 Austin Date Ideas to Improve your Marriage for more Austin area date ideas!

Looking to do some marriage counseling in Austin? Contact us for a free 15-minute phone consult.

-Hannah

4 Books Every Couple Should Read

July 3, 2018

As couples therapists, we work with people who are focused on improving their relationships. While important work is done during our sessions, it’s limited to 50 minutes every 1-2 weeks. If you aren’t attending regular couples therapy sessions, but still want to work on your relationship, there are many books available to help couples learn new ways to examine and strengthen their relationships. These books describe philosophies, tools, and techniques that couples can also practice between counseling sessions.

Here are 4 of my top picks of books to help you improve your marriage or relationship.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

By John M. Gottman PhD & Nan Silver

John Gottman is a total rockstar in the couples counseling world and has done such extensive research that he has been able to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a culmination of his research, and it covers the seven principles that guide couples toward harmonious and long-lasting relationships. The book is very straightforward and teaches couples the principles, as well as new approaches for resolving conflicts, finding new common ground, and deepening intimacy.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

By Sue Johnson

Dr. Sue Johnson is another lead researcher in the world of marriage counseling. She’s also the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy. Emotionally Focused Therapy views the love relationship as an attachment bond, an idea that was once controversial, but is now supported by science and widely popular among therapists.

In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson presents Emotionally Focused Therapy to the masses. Johnson teaches that the way to save and enrich a relationship is to reestablish safe emotional connection and preserve the attachment bond. With attachment bonds in mind, she focuses on key moments in a relationship and uses them as the basis for seven healing conversations. The book includes case studies from her practice, helpful advice, and practical exercises for couples to learn how to nurture their relationships and ensure a lifetime of love.

The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

By Suzanne Stabile

We love the Enneagram at Austin Relational Wellness. The Enneagram is a powerful and dynamic personality system describing nine distinct and fundamentally different personality types. The nine types have different patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting. As you discover your personality type and how it colors your view of the world, you’ll also discover what motivates you, your coping strategies, and keys to personal development.

The Enneagram becomes especially handy in relationships when we are stuck feeling so different from our partners. This book from Suzanne Stabile is on the nine Enneagram types and how they behave and experience relationships. This book will help you understand more about yourself, your type, and others’ personalities so you can have healthier and more meaningful relationships.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love

By Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

We approach marriage counseling using an attachment theory lens. Through this lens, we look at relationships with caregivers to see the ways we carry patterns of these relationships with us into other adult relationships. So, is there a science to how love works?

In Attached, Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller scientifically explain how these evolutionary influences continue to shape who we are in our relationships. According to attachment theory, every person behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways: anxious, avoidant, or secure. This book helps you discover how an understanding of adult attachment—the most advanced relationship science in existence today—can help us find and sustain love.

And if you decide you need a marriage counselor in Austin, we can point you in the right direction!

-Cat

7 Reasons You Should Do Premarital Counseling

June 16, 2018

These days, planning for a wedding is a big deal, and the amount of money that goes into a the big day can be quite a lot! While many couples make it a priority to spend money on engagement parties, great food, flowers, music, a fancy Austin wedding venue, and more, they often overlook premarital counseling. It’s not really thought of as a necessary wedding planning expense.

It’s funny... the whole reason you’re having a wedding in the first place is because of your relationship. You love each other, have committed to one another, and plan to spend your lives together. Above all else, the relationship is the most important piece. Yet, it gets overshadowed by all of the other tasks that come along with wedding planning.

If you want a long-lasting marriage, premarital counseling is a reasonable and essential wedding planning expense. “Attend premarital counseling” really is a box that needs to be checked on that long list of wedding planning tasks. But instead of thinking of it as a task like all the rest, you can think of it as an invaluable experience where you’ll each learn how to help keep your relationship strong through the ups and downs of life.

Why You Should Invest in Your Relationship With Premarital Counseling

Premarital counseling helps couples prepare for marriage and gives you a better chance of having a strong, healthy relationship. Here are 7 good reasons you should consider attending premarital counseling before the big day!

1. Lay out marriage expectations

Premarital counseling can help you get realistic about marital expectations. Most people have different ideas about what marriage, family, and life together will be like. Talking about what each of you expects out of your marriage can help you check some of those expectations that aren’t so realistic and figure out where certain expectations are mismatched.

2. Learn communication skills

You may be going into your marriage believing that your partner will know exactly how to meet all of your needs, or that if you really love each other, you’ll always get along. Nothing could be further from the truth. There’s a reason that one of the most common issues couples attend marriage counseling for is communication problems. Most of us don’t have great communication skills when it comes to relationships. Instead of feeling like you’re speaking two different languages, you can learn effective communication skills to help you communicate assertively about your needs, expectations, and feelings, as well as learn to truly listen to one another and compromise during conflict. Learning this early in your marriage can save you from communication struggles down the road.

3. Increase your understanding of one another

Through guided premarital counseling exercises, you can learn about each of your similarities and differences. You’ll be able to anticipate areas where you may struggle due to these differences, as well as celebrate and appreciate differences in personality, values, or preferences. Having this understanding of one another is also an essential part of working through conflict.

4. Get on the same page

One of the best things about premarital counseling is the fact that you’re each presented with the same information and you’re learning the same things. Being on the same page with expectations, communication, and managing conflict gives you a common language. Implementing new ways of interacting in your relationship is much easier if your partner is on board as well!

5. Identify your relationship strengths

When people think of any kind of counseling or therapy, they often think of it as something you do when things are going wrong. Premarital counseling is a little different. Many engaged couples have really strong relationships. In addition to knowing what areas you need to work on, it’s good to recognize your relationship strengths too. Especially when times get tough, your strengths are areas to fall back on to help you get through the hard times.

6. Discover new things about your partner

In general, it’s just fun to learn new things about one another. It’s always great to be surprised about something, even after years of being together. Being curious and paying attention to your partner’s likes, dislikes, hopes, and dreams helps your partner feel truly known by you. In the long run, knowing all the little things about your partner gives you the ability to treat your partner well and increases intimacy in your relationship.

7. Increase your chances of a long-lasting, happy marriage

For first-time marriages, research shows that about half of marriages will end in divorce. Even for those couples who don’t get divorced, many couples end up staying in unhappy marriages. You don’t want to just make it through, you want your marriage to thrive. By doing premarital work, you’re lowering your risk of divorce and setting your marriage up for success. In fact, couples who participate in premarital education report, on average, a 30% stronger marriage.

Don’t make the mistake of planning only for the wedding day, but prepare for a long-lasting, fulfilling marriage as well.

Getting married soon?

Schedule a premarital counseling appointment with Hannah today!

What Does It Mean to Be Relational? | Naming Our Counseling Practice

June 1, 2018

Austin Relational Wellness

We chose to include the word relational in the name of our practice because it’s the cornerstone of the work we do. But what does it mean to be relational? How do you know if you’re relationally well?

re·la·tion·al

rəˈlāSH(ə)n(ə)l/

adjective

1. concerning the way in which two or more people or things are connected

What it means to be relational

Being relational means acknowledging the interconnectedness of human nature and the important role that relationships play in our lives. We believe that humans are meant to connect with others on an interpersonal and emotional level and that strong, fulfilling relationships help people maintain emotional well-being.

It can be a challenge, as American culture pushes individuality and self-reliance. While individuality is important, it’s also important for people to have healthy connections and relationships. In our culture, this can often be overlooked.

Being relational is all about connection and how we relate to others in relationship. When we speak of being relational or in relationships, it’s oftentimes assumed that we mean romantic partnerships, but this is not the case. Being relational isn’t limited to the more intimate relationships in our lives, like romantic partners, family, children and friends, but all of humankind. It’s recognizing our interconnected nature and our relationships with ourselves, others or a higher power.

It’s important to make self-exploration and self-improvement a priority because it impacts, not only your own life, but also the people you interact with. Through self-awareness, we learn to understand ourselves better, understand other people better, and in turn, our relationships improve. We can ask… “Who are we? Why do we act the way we do? How are we in the world? How can we understand ourselves and others better so our relationships can improve?”

A relational approach to counseling

In our therapy practice, being relational is considering a client in relation to the people in their life. A relational approach to counseling means exploring client relationship patterns, both inside and outside of the therapy room. We don’t exist in a vacuum. As counselors, we seek to understand the entire system or world of a client throughout the therapy process.

We believe that we’re all heavily influenced by past experiences and hurts, which can cause us to disconnect. In fact, when someone is coming to therapy, the issue often has something to do with strains in relationships or even a lack of relationships. We look at these past experiences and relational patterns to understand how they shape how we act.

When it comes to counseling couples, a relational approach seems more obvious. With couples, we work directly with the relationship in the room. We’re passionate about helping couples improve their most intimate relationships and achieve “relational wellness” in their romantic partnerships.

We also place high importance on the relationship between the client and therapist. What happens between the therapist and client is an important part of the process. Remember how we said, “strong, fulfilling relationships help people maintain emotional well-being?” The same applies to the client-counselor relationship. Good therapy requires a solid relationship in the therapy room.

What it means to be relationally well

Connection
Knowing what you need
Being able to verbalize what you need
Healthy relationships
Self-compassion
Compassion toward others
Learning how to interact with others
Self-awareness in relationships
Addressing conflict or hurt that comes up

To be relationally well is to be connected in healthy relationships, to understand and ask for what you need, and to have awareness and compassion toward yourself and others. Austin Relational Wellness is an Austin counseling practice committed to helping you live your best and most fulfilling life, and we believe that human connection is at the root of it all.

How to Talk So Your Partner Will Listen | Tips from an Austin Couples Therapist

May 25, 2018

While there are many aspects at play that contribute to having an effective discussion during conflict, one of the most important is the way the discussion starts. Many times, when two people are in conflict, it’s not a discussion at all… it’s an argument… a fight. One of the reasons a fight breaks out is because of the way the topic is brought up in the first place.

How it Usually Goes

Think about it, when you’re upset with your partner or have a complaint about something, how do you typically tell them? I mean, some of the phrases I’ve definitely thrown out there in the past sounded something like this…

“You never do the dishes! It’s always my responsibility.”
“There you go again, just doing your own thing. You don’t even care about spending time with me. You’re so selfish.”
“I can’t believe you. You’re so lazy, just lying on the couch while I’m cleaning the house.”

Sound familiar? Trust me... I’m not proud.

When you begin conversations with criticism, blame your partner for something, or come at them with feelings of disgust or contempt, they’re most likely going to be defensive. They’ll probably feel attacked and feel the need to protect themselves. On the flip-side, when your partner comes at you this way, do you go into defense mode too? It’s only natural that you would.

According to John and Julie Gottman, renowned therapists and relationship researchers, one of the keys to changing these interactions from fights to productive discussions is in the start-up. In fact, through their research, the Gottmans have found that 96% of the time the outcome of a conversation can be predicted based on the first 3 minutes.

My complaint start-up examples above are called harsh start-ups. They begin harshly and are focused on the other person’s behavior or character. They set the discussion up for failure from the get-go and destroy any opportunity for the complainant to be truly heard and understood. Though you may have a valid complaint and may even eventually get what you want, your partner is really unable to actually listen to you with understanding because they’re left feeling threatened by the harsh comments. No conversation ever ends well when you come in with guns blazing.

The Alternative

So, how can you bring up a complaint or tell your partner you want them to do something differently in a way that sets you both up for success?

The Gottmans call this more effective approach a soft start-up. With a soft start-up, you’re essentially easing into the complaint, so you’re not making your partner feel the need to defend him or herself. In a nutshell, you’re kind of doing the opposite of what many of us do in the responses above.

The Soft Start-up

Refrain from blaming, criticising, or focusing on the parts of your partner you think of as flawed
Use statements that begin with “I,” rather than “you,” to express how you feel
- Example: “I feel like I’m not being considered when…” vs. “You don’t care about me.”
Discuss one specific event or topic
State a positive need
- A positive need is something your partner can actually do to help meet your need.
  - Stating a positive need sets your partner up for success. By making an actionable request, you’re handing them the tools so that they know how to be a really good partner and better meet your needs in the relationship.
- A negative need is something that you don’t want from your partner.
  - Stating a negative need leaves your partner without a clear direction. They only know what not to do, rather than what to do.
- Example:
  - Positive need: “I need you to turn to look at me when I’m speaking and to let me completely finish speaking before you start talking.”
  - Negative need: “I need you to stop talking over me.”

Just like in the harsh start-up examples, you’re expressing a complaint, something you want to see different, or a desire of some kind. The difference is, you’re doing it in a way that makes your need and your feelings about the matter apparent without tearing your partner down in the process.

To even formulate a complaint like this, you have to take a second to think about what you feel and need in the first place, and you have to be intentional with your words. You have to slow down instead of immediately saying whatever pops into your mind during that first moment of hurt or frustration.

Harsh Start-ups vs. Soft Start-ups

Harsh Start-up: “You never do the dishes! It’s always my responsibility.”
Soft Start-up: “I feel frustrated about the fact that I’ve been doing the dishes a lot lately. I’d really appreciate it if you could do them tonight.”

Harsh Start-up: “There you go again, just doing your own thing. You don’t even care about spending time with me. You’re so selfish.”
Soft Start-up: “I’d really like to plan a date soon or plan some time to connect. It seems like we haven’t spent much time together lately, and I’m feeling neglected.”

Harsh Start-up: “You’re so lazy, just lying on the couch while I’m cleaning the house. You don’t even care about having a nice place.”
Soft Start-up: “I know you’re tired after having worked all day, but I feel overwhelmed with doing housework alone. Can we agree on a time when you’ll help me clean up today?”

If this way of communicating is different for you, it’s worth taking some time to talk to your partner about trying something new. Obviously, in order for your complaint to be discussed, rather than argued about, your partner will need to try to be understanding and receptive to your request or need. If you’re both on the same page, it makes things a little easier. You can ask them to try to be gentle and understanding as you each try out using soft start-ups. This simple step won’t fix everything about the way you fight, but it is a small step in the right direction.

If your relationship could use some extra help with communication and conflict management, consider contacting an Austin Couples Therapist. Submit a form for a free 15-minute phone consultation with me today at Austin Relational Wellness.

-Hannah

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John & Julie Gottman

4 Austin Date Ideas to Improve your Marriage

May 18, 2018

Relationships are work. If you want a good one, it takes maintenance.

To have a strong, sound relationship, you need to make sure you’re taking time to spend time with one another on a regular basis. Spending time together as a couple doesn’t mean just being in the same space at the same time, but actually connecting and enjoying one another. One way to do this is to carve out time to go on regular dates. As couples therapists, we typically suggest a weekly date to our counseling clients.

Obviously, the concept of dates being good for relationships isn’t anything groundbreaking. But how many of you actually plan and go on dates regularly? And I don’t mean just going out randomly to lunch because you don’t have anything at the house. I mean actually planning an outing and calling it a date. Many of us start out our relationships with regular dates, but somehow, with all of the busyness in our day-to-day lives, it just gets forgotten. It gets pushed to the back burner.

Your relationship is important. Building your marriage or couplehood is worth setting aside time. It’s worth nurturing and making a priority.

How to make the most of your dates

The next time you think about planning a date for you and your partner, think about what type of connection your relationship really needs at the moment. Do you need to take some time to get away to talk about life stressors or future plans? Do you need to cut loose and just have fun together? Do you need to challenge yourselves and do an activity to get out of your comfort zones?

Then, consider how the environment and atmosphere affects that need. In what ways can you connect with one another in the space you’re going to for your date? If you need time to talk, will you be able to hear one another in the space or will it be too loud? If you need to focus on one another because you haven’t had much time together lately, will the TVs on the wall be a distraction? If you need to loosen up, will you be able to chill out and just have a good time?

Need some Austin date ideas?

The White Horse

Good if you need: Physical affection, to have fun, and to work together
Atmosphere: It’s a good ole fashioned honky tonk… loud, music filled, and might get a little rowdy
Favorites: Free dance lessons + the fact that you can have a good time while also practicing or learning something new together

Twisted X Brewing Co.

Good if you need: Time to talk, a relaxed environment, and to breathe some fresh air
Atmosphere: Open-air, back porch vibes
Favorites: Their seasonal brews, great food truck, and live music

Justine’s Brasserie

Good if you need: To slow down, a space to talk to one another, and some romance
Atmosphere: Eclectic, vintage, and romantic
Favorites: The laid back atmosphere, no rush service, and good food (especially the fries!)

Butler Park Pitch & Putt

Good if you need: To get outside, to take it easy on your budget, and to get some exercise
Atmosphere: Relaxed, judgement-free zone (no one cares about your golf skills!)
Favorites: Bringing along your own cooler, laughing at bad shots, and the fact that you only need two clubs since it’s a Par 3 course

-Hannah

4 Podcasts I'm Loving Right Now

May 8, 2018

Real life, I love a good podcast. Something to know about me is that I’m not a huge TV or movie watcher. Let me clarify by letting you know that I don’t say this to be one of those holier- than-thou-I-don’t-even-own-a-TV-I’m-above-that-noise type of person. Actually, I wish I enjoyed it more! A few shows catch my attention, but I have a hard time sitting still for long, which makes investing in a season somewhat of a challenge. And then there are podcasts, which only require my ears to listen and have a similar entertainment factor as TV does. I can drive, do dishes, do chores or workout while I listen. A multitasker’s dream.

Here are a few podcasts I’m loving right now!

Conscious Construction

https://www.abirobinsyoga.com/consciousconstruction/

I’m such a fan of this newish podcast hosted by Austin Yoga Therapist, Abi Robins. Abi is just a force, a very special one at that! We connected last year because of our mutual love for the Enneagram and even decided to pair up to host the South Austin Enneagram Meetup. This podcast dives into the world of yoga, the Enneagram, relationships, spirituality and personal growth. Each episode is almost like a mini therapy session and very thought provoking. Abi interviews some really awesome people and hits on important topics for personal growth. She’s also just a super fun person, and I love feeling like I get to hang out with her each week through listening to Conscious Construction.

Start with these episodes:

What is Yoga? With Chase Bossart
- https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/abi-robins/conscious-construction/e/53619464
Exploring the Enneagram with Lesley and Rick Bradstreet
- https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/abi-robins/conscious-construction/e/53713860

The Enneagram Journey

https://www.theenneagramjourney.org/podcast/

Suzanne Stabile is a spirited Enneagram teacher who has authored two great books, The Road Back you You, and her latest, The Path Between Us. Suzanne is a gifted teacher, and her podcast can help you understand the Enneagram better. Some episodes are a panel of Enneagram teachers talking about various Enneagram topics and others are Suzanne interviewing people on their Enneagram Type. This podcast is best for someone who already is familiar with the Enneagram. I wrote a post on how to get started over here:

Start with:

Episode 1: Luke Norsworthy
- https://www.theenneagramjourney.org/podcast/2017/10/17/episode-1-luke-norsworthy
Episode 16: The Path Between Us - Enneagram 7
- https://www.theenneagramjourney.org/podcast/2018/2/20/episode-16-the-path-between-us-enneagram-7

For the Love

http://jenhatmaker.com/podcast.htm

This podcast is just a lot of fun. Jen Hatmaker is bubbly, honest and just doesn’t take herself too seriously. Her podcast features a mini-series on different topics such as girlfriends, food, laughter, holidays and faith. If you’re looking for an easy listen, this podcast is for you. You must listen to the Brené Brown episode, and of course, there is an Enneagram episode wedged in there. Check out the episodes below to get started.

A few to start with:

Getting Vulnerable with Dr. Brené Brown
- Series 02 | Episode 02 - Getting Vulnerable with Dr. Brené Brown
Wise Men (and Women) Bring Gifts of Boundaries at the Holidays with Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
- Series 04 | Episode 04 - Wise Men (and Women) Bring Gifts of Boundaries at the Holidays with Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Finding the Way to Your True Self with the Enneagram Expert Chris Heuertz
- Series 05 | Episode 02 - Finding the Way to Your True Self with Enneagram Expert Chris Heuertz

Armchair Expert

https://armchairexpertpod.com/

I'm just starting this podcast after it was recommended to me by a friend. It’s hosted by Dax Shepard, who I’m mainly a fan of because he and his wife, Kristen Bell, are big proponents of mental health issues and couples therapy. The couple is refreshingly honest about their own struggles and how much marriage counseling has helped their relationship. The podcast features guests talking about the messiness that is life. I mean, the first episode is Ellen DeGeneres. Sign me up!