In my first post in this series regarding the Gottman Method Couples Therapy affair recovery model (aka, Gottman Trust Revival Method), I discussed an overview of this structured approach, designed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman to help couples heal from the deep wounds inflicted by infidelity. In this second blog post in this series, I will delve into the first crucial couples therapy for affair recovery phase: Atone. Infidelity is a profound breach of trust, often leaving the betrayed partner feeling shattered and the unfaithful partner engulfed in guilt and shame. The Atone phase is designed to address these intense emotions, setting the stage for genuine healing and reconciliation. Let’s explore what this phase entails and why it’s essential for your journey towards recovery.

Understanding the Atone Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

The Atone phase is all about addressing the immediate emotional fallout of the affair. This phase is critical as it sets the foundation for the healing process. Here’s what you can expect in this phase:

Key Components of the Atone Phase

Acknowledgment and Responsibility: The first step in atonement is for the unfaithful partner to fully acknowledge the affair and take responsibility for their actions. This means no excuses, no blame-shifting, and no minimizing the impact of the betrayal. Genuine acknowledgment shows the betrayed partner that their pain is seen and validated.
Expressing Remorse and Apology: A heartfelt apology goes beyond simply saying “I’m sorry.” It involves expressing genuine remorse and understanding the depth of the hurt caused. This includes acknowledging specific ways the affair has affected the betrayed partner emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically.
Open and Honest Communication: Transparency is crucial in this phase. The unfaithful partner must be willing to answer questions and provide details about the affair to help the betrayed partner make sense of what happened. This can be an incredibly painful process but is necessary for rebuilding trust.
Empathy and Understanding: Empathy involves truly listening to the betrayed partner’s feelings and showing a deep understanding of their pain. It’s important for the unfaithful partner to recognize and validate these feelings without becoming defensive or dismissive.
Setting Boundaries and Creating Safety: To begin rebuilding trust, both partners must agree on clear boundaries and actions to ensure the affair is truly over and will not happen again. This might include transparency with phones and social media, regular check-ins, and agreeing to avoid situations that might lead to temptation.

The Role of the Betrayed Partner

While the primary focus of the Atone phase is on the actions of the unfaithful partner, the betrayed partner also has a crucial role. It’s important to express your feelings and needs clearly, ask questions, and seek the reassurance necessary for your healing. However, it’s equally vital to recognize that immediate forgiveness is not a requirement at this stage. Healing takes time, and the atone phase is just the beginning.

The atone phase is a challenging yet vital part of the affair recovery journey. It requires immense courage and vulnerability from both partners. By fully engaging in this phase, you lay the groundwork for the subsequent phases: Attune and Attach, where deeper emotional healing and reconnection will occur.

If you’re considering starting couples therapy for affair recovery, know that you’re taking a brave step toward healing. The road may feel long and tough, but with the right guidance and commitment, affair recovery and even a renewed relationship are possible. Reach out to me today to schedule a free phone consultation and get started on your healing journey.