“I think I need my hormones tested… I’m not interested in sex at all.”
“I’m trying to engage my partner in foreplay, but they don’t seem interested.”
Have you ever thought you or your partner might be depressed, out of love, or broken when it comes to intimacy? In the book, Come As You Are, author Emily Nagoski, Ph.D introduces a new way of thinking about arousal using what we call The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response.
The Dual Control Model doesn’t just look at what physically happens with sex, like previous models did, but also looks at what turns you on and what turns you off. For example, this model is concerned with what sights, sounds, or tastes rev you up or down. The model was developed in the 90’s by former Kinsey Institute director, John Bancroft, and Erick Janssen.
Here’s how it works…
A great way of thinking about this is like the brakes and accelerator in a car. These two mechanisms work in tandem - the brakes need to be let off and there needs to be enough pressure on the accelerator to make the car move.
This is all happening in your central nervous system. Your sympathetic nervous system acts as your accelerator (scanning the environment for potentially arousing content), while your parasympathetic nervous system acts as your brakes (scanning the environment for all the reasons why you shouldn’t have sex right now).
Some common examples of accelerators are:
your partner smelling really great
having a nice dinner earlier in the evening
when your partner does something that makes you proud
People might have brakes like:
needing the mood to be just right
feeling worried that it may take time to get aroused
your bedroom being a mess
What gives your car momentum and makes it move is a unique balance of brakes and accelerators that are different for every individual.
When you understand this model, it creates a great conversation for you to figure out your brakes and accelerators, as well as your partner’s, so that you can each work to create an ideal environment and context for great sex.
Nagoski has a sexual temperament questionnaire which you can explore in couples therapy or on your own with your partner. Check it out below!
Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate