The Attach Phase: Creating Connection and Safety with the Gottman Method

 

Welcome to the final post in our series on the Gottman Method for affair recovery (aka, Gottman Trust Revival Method). If you’ve been following along with this series, you’re already familiar with the first two phases: Atone and Attune. These phases guide couples through the raw, painful emotions following the discovery of an affair and help them begin to understand and empathize with each other. Now, we’re moving into the third and final phase: Attach. 

Understanding the Attach Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

Attachment is about reconnecting and reestablishing emotional safety. This phase focuses on deepening your emotional bond and reigniting intimacy, both physical and emotional. It's where the focus shifts to building a relationship that can withstand future challenges, deepening the bond that may have been neglected or damaged over time. 

By the time a couple reaches the Attachment phase, they’ve already worked through the initial stages of shock and anger in the Atone phase and learned to understand what led to the affair in the Attune phase. Now, they face the ultimate challenge—rebuilding emotional and physical intimacy. This is where couples explore what it means to reconnect in a vulnerable, yet deeply loving, way.

Key Components of the Attach Phase 

  1. Rebuilding Emotional Trust 

    Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and after an affair, trust can feel shattered. In this phase, the betrayed partner begins to feel safe enough to trust again, while the partner who had the affair demonstrates reliability and emotional availability. Both partners must continue being transparent, compassionate, and honest with each other. 

    Therapeutically, this might involve exercises designed to enhance emotional safety, such as learning to express vulnerabilities and meeting each other’s emotional needs. These are crucial skills that can help prevent future betrayals and misunderstandings. 

  2. Reigniting Physical Intimacy 

    One of the most sensitive aspects of affair recovery is the re-establishment of physical intimacy. Physical connection is often tied to feelings of safety, trust, and emotional closeness, all of which have likely been severely affected by the affair. 

    In therapy, couples are encouraged to discuss their fears, desires, and boundaries openly when it comes to physical intimacy. This process can help repair the sexual bond, but it’s important to understand that for some couples, this part of the recovery may take time. The goal is to help couples feel emotionally connected again before focusing on physical closeness. 

  3. Creating Shared Meaning & Future Goals 

    Affair recovery is not just about healing from the betrayal; it’s about rebuilding a relationship that is meaningful and resilient. In the Attachment phase, couples are encouraged to create shared meaning in their relationship—identifying common goals, values, and dreams for the future. This is the time to discuss what each partner needs to feel secure and connected, as well as how to continue building a relationship that honors both partners' needs.

  4. Establishing a New Relationship Narrative 

    Part of moving forward involves redefining the story of your relationship. The affair will always be part of your shared history, but in the Attachment phase, couples work on creating a new narrative—one that acknowledges the past without being defined by it.

    Couples may need to reframe the affair in a way that allows for healing and growth rather than letting it overshadow all the positive aspects of the relationship. This narrative-building can help both partners feel that they are writing the next chapter of their story together. 

Rebuilding Attachment After Infidelity

Attachment doesn’t happen overnight, and the wounds from infidelity don’t heal on a set timeline. For many couples, the attachment phase is where true reconciliation occurs, but it requires continued commitment from both partners. Vulnerability, patience, and the willingness to explore emotional and physical connection are key to making this phase successful. 

Rebuilding attachment after an affair isn’t just about fixing what's broken—it’s about creating something new and enduring. While the road to recovery is long and complex, therapy can offer the tools, support, and guidance needed to navigate this difficult journey.

Contact us today to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and set up a couples therapy appointment to begin healing your relationship.

 

The Attune Phase: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity with the Gottman Method

 

In the first post of this series on the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy affair recovery model—also referred to as the Gottman Trust Revival Method—I delved into the essence of this transformative approach created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Designed to guide couples through the deep emotional pain of infidelity, this structured model offers a pathway to healing and rebuilding trust.

In the second blog post in this series, we delved into the first phase in couples therapy for affair recovery: Atonement. This is a crucial phase where the couple begins to address the initial shock and emotional trauma of the affair. It involves acknowledging the betrayal, expressing genuine remorse, and allowing space for the hurt partner to express their pain. As challenging as this phase can be, it's a necessary foundation for the healing journey ahead. 

In this post, we move into the second phase: Attunement. This phase is about rebuilding the emotional connection between partnerss well as learning to understand each other deeply, listening with empathy, and validating feelings without defensiveness or dismissiveness. This phase is where the true rebuilding of trust and intimacy begins. 

Understanding the Attune Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

The Attunement phase is about rebuilding emotional trust and understanding between partners. After the initial phase of "Atonement," where the betrayed partner's pain and anger are acknowledged and validated, Phase 2 shifts the focus to fostering empathy, open communication, and emotional connection. This phase is not just about talking through the infidelity or affair but truly understanding each other's feelings and experiences at a deeper level. 

Key Components of the Attune Phase 

  1. Deep Conversations: During this phase, couples are guided to have meaningful conversations about their relationship, including what led to the infidelity and the impact it had on both partners. These conversations are designed to help the couple understand not just the surface-level details but the underlying emotional needs that were unmet.

  2. Building a Culture of Appreciation: The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of fostering positive interactions and building a culture of appreciation and respect. This involves recognizing and verbalizing the things each partner values in the other, which can help to rebuild the couple's emotional intimacy.

  3. Learning to Self-Soothe: Part of the healing process involves learning how to manage one's own emotions and self-soothe during difficult conversations. This skill is essential for avoiding emotional flooding, which at times may lead to defensive behavior and further conflict.

  4. Practicing Effective Conflict Management: The attunement phase also includes learning how to manage conflicts constructively. This means addressing issues in a way that promotes understanding and resolution rather than escalating tension.

Common Challenges in the Attunement Phase 

While this phase is crucial for healing, it’s not without its challenges. It’s normal for couples to feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions involved. Here are a few common hurdles that might occur during the attunement phase: 

  1. Fear of Reopening Wounds: Many couples fear that discussing the infidelity in-depth will only reopen wounds. However, not talking about it can prevent healing. Therapy provides a structured environment where these conversations can happen safely.

  2. Difficulty in Understanding Each Other: Sometimes, one partner might struggle to understand the other’s feelings or perspective. This is where guided exercises and therapeutic techniques can help foster empathy and understanding.

  3. Temptation to Rush the Process: The healing process cannot be rushed. It’s important for both partners to move at a pace that feels right for them. Trying to push through this phase too quickly can lead to unresolved issues resurfacing later.

Moving Forward Together: Infidelity & Affair Recovery 

Attunement is a pivotal phase in the Gottman Method for affair recovery. It’s where couples often start to turn towards each other again, rebuilding their emotional connection and trust. If you’re considering therapy for infidelity or affair recovery, know that this phase is a journey—one that requires patience, effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable. But it’s also a journey that can lead to profound healing and a stronger, more resilient relationship.

Reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and schedule a couples therapy appointment to get on your way toward healing your relationship.

 

How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Strengthens Relationships: Applying Attachment Theory to Couples Therapy

 

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a type of therapy that focuses on helping individuals and couples understand and regulate their emotions to improve their relationships. EFT is a couples therapy model developed by psychologists Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg in the 1980s. The model draws on attachment theory, which suggests humans have an innate need for connection and emotional bonding with others.

More about Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a psychological theory that explains how humans form emotional bonds with others, especially during early childhood. British psychoanalyst, John Bowlby, developed the theory in the 1950s, and other researchers, such as Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main, have since expanded upon it.

The basic premise of attachment theory is that humans have an innate need for emotional bonding and security. These needs are met through close relationships with caregivers, such as parents or other primary caregivers. Bowlby believed that infants and young children develop an internal working model based on their experiences with their caregivers and that this model shapes their future relationships and behaviors.

Attachment theory suggests that early experiences with caregivers can shape an individual's attachment style and that attachment styles can change over time based on new relationship experiences. Understanding attachment theory can help build stronger relationships and improve emotional regulation and communication skills.

EFT & Attachment Theory

In EFT, couples therapists work with clients to identify and express their emotions and needs in a safe and supportive environment. Through this process, clients can gain a deeper understanding of their own emotions and their partner's, leading to increased empathy and intimacy in the relationship.

EFT is shown to be effective for a variety of relationship problems, including communication difficulties, conflict, infidelity, affair recovery, disconnection, and emotional distance. EFT has also been used to treat individual issues such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

How is EFT Different from other Couples Therapy Models

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) differs from other couples therapy models in several ways. Here are some of the main differences:

  1. Focus on emotions: EFT strongly emphasizes emotions and how they impact relationships. An EFT couples therapist helps clients identify and express their emotions in a safe and supportive environment, which can lead to deeper understanding and connection with their partners.

  2. Attachment-based: EFT is based on attachment theory, which emphasizes the importance of emotional bonding and security in relationships. EFT couples therapists help clients to identify their attachment styles and work to strengthen their emotional bonds with their partners.

  3. Short-term: EFT is typically a short-term couples therapy that involves between 8 and 20 sessions. The focus is on addressing the immediate issues in the relationship and helping clients to develop skills that they can use outside of couples therapy.

  4. Structured approach: EFT is a structured approach that involves specific steps and interventions. The couples therapist helps clients to identify negative patterns in their relationship and works to replace them with more positive and adaptive patterns.

  5. Involvement of the partner: EFT involves the partner in the couples therapy process, rather than just focusing on the individual. The therapist works to create a safe and supportive environment for both partners to express their emotions and needs.

Overall, EFT is a highly effective model of couples therapy and individual therapy that has been shown to be successful in treating a wide range of relationship issues. Its focus on emotions, attachment, and structured approach make it a unique and valuable tool for couples seeking to improve their relationships.

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

Offering Austin Couples Therapy and Individual Counseling

 

The Atone Phase: The Essential First Step in Affair Recovery in the Gottman Method

 

In my first post in this series regarding the Gottman Method Couples Therapy affair recovery model (aka, Gottman Trust Revival Method), I discussed an overview of this structured approach, designed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman to help couples heal from the deep wounds inflicted by infidelity. In this second blog post in this series, I will delve into the first crucial couples therapy for affair recovery phase: Atone. Infidelity is a profound breach of trust, often leaving the betrayed partner feeling shattered and the unfaithful partner engulfed in guilt and shame. The Atone phase is designed to address these intense emotions, setting the stage for genuine healing and reconciliation. Let’s explore what this phase entails and why it’s essential for your journey towards recovery. 

Understanding the Atone Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

The Atone phase is all about addressing the immediate emotional fallout of the affair. This phase is critical as it sets the foundation for the healing process. Here’s what you can expect in this phase:

Key Components of the Atone Phase 

  1. Acknowledgment and Responsibility: The first step in atonement is for the unfaithful partner to fully acknowledge the affair and take responsibility for their actions. This means no excuses, no blame-shifting, and no minimizing the impact of the betrayal. Genuine acknowledgment shows the betrayed partner that their pain is seen and validated. 

  2. Expressing Remorse and Apology: A heartfelt apology goes beyond simply saying “I’m sorry.” It involves expressing genuine remorse and understanding the depth of the hurt caused. This includes acknowledging specific ways the affair has affected the betrayed partner emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically. 

  3. Open and Honest Communication: Transparency is crucial in this phase. The unfaithful partner must be willing to answer questions and provide details about the affair to help the betrayed partner make sense of what happened. This can be an incredibly painful process but is necessary for rebuilding trust. 

  4. Empathy and Understanding: Empathy involves truly listening to the betrayed partner’s feelings and showing a deep understanding of their pain. It’s important for the unfaithful partner to recognize and validate these feelings without becoming defensive or dismissive. 

  5. Setting Boundaries and Creating Safety: To begin rebuilding trust, both partners must agree on clear boundaries and actions to ensure the affair is truly over and will not happen again. This might include transparency with phones and social media, regular check-ins, and agreeing to avoid situations that might lead to temptation. 

The Role of the Betrayed Partner 

While the primary focus of the Atone phase is on the actions of the unfaithful partner, the betrayed partner also has a crucial role. It’s important to express your feelings and needs clearly, ask questions, and seek the reassurance necessary for your healing. However, it’s equally vital to recognize that immediate forgiveness is not a requirement at this stage. Healing takes time, and the atone phase is just the beginning. 

The atone phase is a challenging yet vital part of the affair recovery journey. It requires immense courage and vulnerability from both partners. By fully engaging in this phase, you lay the groundwork for the subsequent phases: Attune and Attach, where deeper emotional healing and reconnection will occur. 

If you’re considering starting couples therapy for affair recovery, know that you’re taking a brave step toward healing. The road may feel long and tough, but with the right guidance and commitment, affair recovery and even a renewed relationship are possible. Reach out to me today to schedule a free phone consultation and get started on your healing journey.

 

6 Strategies to Help Couples Navigate Life Transitions as a Team

 

Major life transitions, such as moving to a new city, having a baby, or changing careers, can bring about significant changes in a couple's dynamic. While these transitions can be exciting, they can also be challenging and stressful. In this blog post, we'll explore strategies for couples to support each other during these significant changes and maintain a strong, healthy relationship.

Understanding Major Life Transitions

Common Types of Life Transitions

    • Relocation: Moving to a new home or city

    • Career Changes: Starting a new job or business, changing careers, or going back to school

    • Family Changes: Getting married, having a baby, dealing with a family illness, or caring for aging parents

    • Financial Changes: Significant changes in income, such as a job loss or major investment

Common Challenges for Couples Experiencing Life Transitions

    • Stress and Anxiety: Uncertainty and fear of the unknown

    • Communication Breakdown: Misunderstandings and lack of communication

    • Different Coping Mechanisms: Each partner may handle stress differently

Strategies for Navigating Life Transitions

  1. Open Communication

    • Regular Check-Ins: Schedule time to talk about each partner’s feelings, needs, concerns, and expectations.

    • Active Listening: Listen to each other without interrupting and validate each other’s feelings.

    • Transparency: Be honest about your needs and worries.

    • Refrain from Criticizing: Transitions are difficult enough. Focus on your partner’s positive qualities and refrain from criticizing during conversations.

    • Check your Defensiveness: With increased stress and anxiety, it’s easy to be defensive and blaming. Manage your defensiveness and own your part to help conversations go more smoothly.

  2. Set Realistic Expectations

    • Manage Expectations: Understand that things might not go as planned and be prepared to adapt.

    • Be Patient: Allow time for adjustment, and don’t rush the process.

  3. Work as a Team

    • Share Responsibilities: Divide tasks and support each other in managing the workload.

    • Problem-Solve Together: Approach challenges as a team rather than individually.

  4. Seek Support

    • Professional Help: Consider seeing a couples therapist to help navigate the transition.

    • Support Networks: Lean on friends and family for additional support.

  5. Self-Care and Mutual Care

    • Personal Well-being: Take time for self-care activities to reduce stress.

    • Quality Time Together: Spend time doing enjoyable activities to strengthen your bond.

  6. Celebrate Milestones

    • Acknowledge Progress: Celebrate small wins and progress in your journey.

    • Create Positive Memories: Focus on creating positive experiences together.

Navigating these transitions alone can be overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. The strategies outlined may seem simple, but they can be difficult to implement when you’re in the midst of stress, anxiety, and communication difficulties. Our couples therapy services are designed to help you and your partner manage these changes and come out stronger on the other side.

If you’re facing a significant life transition and need support, contact us today to schedule a free consultation for Austin couples therapy and take the first step toward a healthier, happier relationship. Let us help you turn these challenges into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

Article by Hannah Eubank, LPC, LMFT

Contact us for Austin Couples Therapy through the link below

 

The Three Phases of Affair Recovery in the Gottman Method

 

Infidelity can feel like a betrayal like no other, leaving both partners in a relationship reeling with pain, confusion, and distrust. As a couples therapist, I've seen the devastation and the pain that an affair can cause, but I've also witnessed the remarkable resilience and healing that can emerge from these impossible hard times. The Gottman Method, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, offers a structured and compassionate approach to navigating affair recovery. In this Intro post to this blog series, I'll state the three phases of affair recovery according to the Gottman Method, providing you with key components of what is explored and addressed in each of the different phases of affair recovery.

Phase 1: Atonement

Understanding the Wound

The first phase of affair recovery is Atonement, where the primary focus is on understanding and addressing the profound wound caused by the affair. During this phase, the unfaithful partner must take full responsibility for their actions, express genuine remorse, and work to rebuild trust. Here are some key components of this phase:

  • Honesty and Transparency: The unfaithful partner needs to be completely honest about the affair, answering any questions their partner may have. Transparency about past actions and current behaviors is crucial in rebuilding trust.

  • Validation of Pain: The betrayed partner's feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal must be validated. It's essential for the unfaithful partner to listen empathetically and acknowledge the depth of the pain they've caused.

  • Expressing Remorse: Sincere apologies and expressions of regret are vital. The unfaithful partner should show through words and actions that they understand the gravity of their betrayal and are committed to making amends.

During this phase, couples may often experience intense emotions and difficult conversations. As a couples therapist, my role is to facilitate these conversations, ensuring both partners feel heard and understood.

Phase 2: Attunement

Rebuilding Connection

Once the initial pain has been addressed and the unfaithful partner has taken responsibility, the couple can move into the Attunement phase. This phase focuses on rebuilding emotional connection and intimacy. Here are some factors that could be addressed during this phase:

  • Open Communication: Couples learn to communicate more effectively, expressing their needs, fears, and desires without blame or defensiveness. This helps in re-establishing a sense of safety and closeness.

  • Emotional Attunement: Partners work on becoming more attuned to each other’s emotional states. This involves recognizing and responding to each other’s emotional cues, fostering a deeper emotional bond.

  • Conflict Resolution: Learning healthy ways to handle conflicts is crucial. The Gottman Method emphasizes techniques such as gentle start-ups, accepting influence, and making effective repairs after disagreements.

  • Rebuilding Trust: Trust is rebuilt through consistent, trustworthy behavior. The partner who had the affair needs to be transparent and reliable, while the betrayed partner works on slowly opening up to trust again.

During the Attunement phase, couples often begin to see glimpses of hope and start to reconnect on an emotional level. It's a time of gradual healing, where the relationship starts to feel safer and more supportive.

Phase 3: Attachment

Creating a New Future Together

The final phase of affair recovery is Attachment, where the couple focuses on strengthening their bond and building a new, healthier relationship. This phase involves:

  • Shared Goals and Dreams: Couples explore their hopes and dreams for the future, setting shared goals that give their relationship direction and purpose.

  • Rituals of Connection: Establishing new rituals for connection helps maintain the bond. This can include regular date nights, shared hobbies, or daily check-ins to stay emotionally connected.

  • Continued Growth: Affair recovery is an ongoing process. Couples commit to continuous growth, both individually and as a couple, seeking to improve their relationship dynamics and maintain their connection.

In this last phase, couples often find a renewed sense of partnership and commitment. They have moved beyond the pain of the affair and are now focused on building a future together, fortified by the hard work they’ve done to repair their relationship.

Recovering from an affair is undeniably challenging, but it is possible. The Gottman Method provides a structured and compassionate approach to help couples navigate this journey. Each phase of recovery—atonement, attunement, and attachment—plays a crucial role in rebuilding trust, deepening connection, and creating a resilient and fulfilling relationship.

 

Healthy Boundary Setting: Understanding the Difference Between Boundaries and Control

 

In the realm of mental health, personal relationships, and couples therapy, the concepts of boundaries and control are often misunderstood. For those new to the idea of setting boundaries, it's crucial to understand what healthy boundaries are and how to display and communicate boundaries properly. One should also be aware that boundaries are not meant to control another person's behavior.

As previously mentioned in my last blog post in this series, I discussed the do’s and don’ts of boundary setting. In this third and final blog post of my boundary series, I will provide examples of what a boundary might look like in practice versus what a non-boundary (aka, controlling behavior) might look like. My overall hope is that this blog post can be used as a guide to clarify these concepts and provide practical tips for establishing boundaries without crossing into control. Understanding this difference is key to maintaining healthy relationships.

Example 1: Privacy in a Relationship 

  • Boundary Setting: "I value my personal space and privacy. I would appreciate it if we could discuss and agree on boundaries regarding sharing our personal information and giving each other space when needed." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "You can't have any private conversations with your friends without letting me know every detail. I need to have access to your phone and messages to make sure nothing is going on." 

Example 2: Time Management in a Friendship 

  • Boundary Setting: "I have a busy schedule, and I need to prioritize certain commitments. I hope you understand that there may be times when I need to decline social invitations. Let's work together to find a balance that works for both of us." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "You're not allowed to make plans with anyone else if I'm available. I want you to prioritize our friendship over other relationships or activities." 

Example 3: Workplace Collaboration 

  • Boundary Setting: "I prefer to receive feedback in a private setting rather than in front of the entire team. It helps me process the information more effectively, and I feel I'm more open to constructive criticism that way." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "You can't give any feedback about my work without discussing it with me first. I need to approve any comments or suggestions you have before sharing them with others." 

Example 4: Family Finances

  • Boundary Setting: "Let's create a budget together so we can manage our finances more effectively. I would like us to agree on spending limits for discretionary expenses to ensure we are on the same page." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "I will be in charge of all the finances, and you need to consult me before making any purchases, no matter how small. I will monitor all transactions to make sure you're following my rules."

In each of these examples, the boundary-setting approach emphasizes personal needs, open communication, and collaboration, essential elements often explored in couples therapy. In contrast, the non-boundary approach involves dictating specific behaviors and limiting the other person's autonomy, which could be viewed as trying to control someone’s behavior. It's important to remember that when boundaries are communicated appropriately, they can promote mutual understanding and respect in a relationship. Whereas trying to control someone's behavior can lead to tension and strain in a relationship.

Need help with healthy boundary setting? Both couples therapy and individual therapy can be avenues for learning how to identify your needs and communicate your boundaries. Reach out today to get started.

 

5 Reasons Couples Begin Couples Therapy

 

Considering the idea of couples therapy or marriage counseling to help navigate through the difficulties of your relationship may stir up feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. However, it's important to recognize that couples therapy is not a sign that your relationship or marriage is in trouble or on its way to failure. Instead, it can be a powerful tool for growth, understanding, and building a stronger foundation for your relationship. In this blog post, we'll explore reasons why couples might consider beginning couples therapy and how it can be beneficial for relationships.

1. Gain better communication skills 

One of the most common reasons couples might begin couples therapy is to address communication challenges. Many couples find themselves struggling with how to communicate with their partner in a beneficial way. Couples therapy is a great resource when exploring an issue like communication. A couples therapist can provide a neutral and supportive space for couples to learn effective communication strategies, express their needs, and better understand one another. 

2. Conflict resolution 

Every relationship encounters conflicts, but when disagreements becomerepetitive or escalate into frequent arguments, it can significantly impact arelationship and the bond between partners. Couples therapy equips coupleswith tools to navigate disagreements in a more constructive way. Couplestherapists often guide couples through conflict resolution techniques that promotehaving a better understanding of one another and finding beneficial and effectivesolutions to conflict.

3. Increase intimacy & build a deeper emotional connection

Another reason couples might begin couples therapy is to build a deeper connection with one another. As relationships evolve, couples might find themselves feeling disconnected or lacking emotional intimacy. Couples therapy is a great way for couples to explore these challenges and help couples reconnect. 

4. Navigate life transitions & stressors 

A couple might look into beginning couples therapy when undergoing a life transition. Life is full of transitions, from job changes to moving to welcoming a newborn to becoming empty nesters. These changes can add stress to a relationship. Couples therapy provides a supportive environment to navigate these challenges, offering coping strategies and helping couples adapt to their new circumstances. 

5. Direction after a breach of trust 

Trust is one of the most important components in any relationship, and when it's broken, rebuilding it can be a complex and delicate process. Whether it's infidelity or another kind of breach of trust, such as lies or betrayal, these things can destroy trust, often leaving couples feeling shattered and uncertain about the future. Couples therapy offers a structured environment for rebuilding and repairing the trust that has been broken. Couples therapists can guide couples through the process of forgiveness, healing, and establishing new patterns of trust.

Choosing to begin couples therapy is a courageous first step toward growth and healing. It requires vulnerability, commitment, and a willingness to explore the dynamics of your relationship. Whether you're facing communication challenges, conflicts, intimacy issues, life transitions, or trust issues, seeking help from a couples therapist can help provide couples with the tools and insights needed for growth and positive transformation.

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling + Individual Counseling

 

4 Myths About Couples Therapy for Affair Recovery

 

Affairs can be devastating to a relationship, shaking the foundation on which a couple has built. The aftermath of an affair is often filled with emotional turmoil, mistrust, and a sense of betrayal. Considering addressing the aftermath of an affair in couples therapy can feel very daunting. As a couples therapist, I often encounter couples who harbor fears about seeking help for the aftermath of an affair. In this blog post, my hope is to dispute common myths surrounding infidelity in couples therapy and provide reassurance and guidance for those thinking about couples therapy for affair recovery or infidelity recovery.

Myth #1: The Role of the Couples Therapist In Affair Recovery Is To Assign Blame

One myth, and a significant fear for many couples, is that the role of the couples therapist will focus on assigning blame to one partner. Couples therapists work towards fostering open communication and facilitating a deeper understanding of each partner's needs and concerns. Blaming one partner for the affair would be very unhelpful and could potentially harm the therapeutic process. Both individuals play a role in the healing process, and couples therapy aims to create a supportive environment for both partners to express themselves.

Myth #2: Seeking Couples Therapy For Affair Recovery Should Only Be A Last Resort 

Only utilizing couples therapy as a last resort is a misconception. Oftentimes, couples feel that their only option is to get through the aftermath of an affair alone, which can cause even more added stress to a very delicate and challenging situation. Seeking couples therapy early on after infidelity or an affair is discovered can help the couple feel supported and that they do not have to navigate this alone. Therapists are equipped with the skills and tools to guide couples through the challenges of affair recovery - rebuilding trust, fostering communication, and repairing the relationship after an affair happens.

Myth #3: The Role Of A Couples Therapist In Affair Recovery Is To Only Focus On The Partner Who Was Involved In An Affair 

Some couples may fear that therapy will solely focus on the partner who had the affair. In reality, effective couples therapy for affair recovery involves addressing the needs and emotions of both partners. Couples therapists strive to create a balanced approach, ensuring that each individual's experiences are acknowledged and that each partner feels heard and validated through this process.

Myth #4: Couples Will Be Able To See Immediate Resolution With Just A Few Sessions 

Expecting to see an immediate resolution is another misconception about couples therapy for affair recovery. Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a gradual process that requires time, patience, and commitment from both partners. Therapy provides a structured and supportive environment, but it does not offer a quick fix. Couples should be prepared to invest time and effort when working towards infidelity recovery or affair recovery.

Infidelity is undoubtedly a delicate and challenging topic for couples to navigate. However, addressing these myths about affair recovery in couples therapy can help alleviate fears and encourage couples to seek the support they need when thinking about seeking couples therapy for affair recovery.

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy for Affair Recovery and Individual Counseling

 

Four Behaviors in a Marriage that Predict Divorce: Gottman’s Four Horsemen

 

In the book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver, the authors discuss Dr. Gottman’s "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse". The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are communication patterns that, if present, can indicate significant relational distress and can even be a strong indicator to predict a breakup or divorce. If any of these patterns show up during interactions with your partner, pay attention and take action. Learn to identify, understand, and fix these dynamics so that you can improve your relationship or marriage (and even save it!).

What are The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

  1. Criticism

    Criticism represents a destructive communication style where one partner attacks the other's character or personality, rather than addressing a specific behavior or situation. Instead of addressing the specific behavior, one partner generalizes the other’s faults or blames the other partner.

  2. Contempt

    Contempt shows up when one partner expresses an attitude of superiority and disrespect towards the other partner, which is often seen through sarcasm or name-calling. This can include physical eye-rolling or making comments that belittle the other partner's opinions. 

  3. Defensiveness

    Defensiveness is expressed when one partner neglects to accept responsibility and fails to try to understand their partner's perspective. Usually, defensive individuals tend to immediately counterattack or deflect blame.

  4. Stonewalling

    Stonewalling occurs when one partner refuses to engage with the other or emotionally shuts down due to feeling generally overwhelmed or flooded with specific emotions. This response can include acts such as avoiding eye contact or physically leaving the room.

Sometimes, it’s hard to acknowledge that you and your partner are struggling to communicate effectively. Learning about Dr. Gottman’s concepts (such as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse) can be helpful when you are feeling stuck and wondering how to improve interactions with your partner. By recognizing and addressing these destructive communication patterns, you can start to improve some of your negative communication habits. If efforts are not made to improve or change these patterns, your relationship or marriage may continue to suffer and, in time, become less and less beneficial to you or your partner. 

So how can you identify these issues and make changes? In the next four parts of this blog series, we’ll look at each of these patterns, examine specific scenarios to illustrate each concept, and discuss how to improve or change each type of dysfunctional cycle.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Marriage Counseling in Austin, Individual Counseling for Women, & Individual Counseling for Men