You and your partner are arguing – do you ever find yourself asking:

Why do we keep having the same argument over and over?

Will we ever be able to solve this problem?

If we aren't able to come to an agreement, will this keep us from having a happy relationship?

In this blog series, we’ll address these questions and offer ways to view disagreements in your relationship.

Let’s dive in… Why do we keep having the same argument over and over?

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver explain that research shows that 69% of all marital problems are perpetual in nature - they are continual or recurrent. If you do the math, you then realize that only an average of 31% of issues are solvable. This doesn’t mean that conflict between you and your partner shouldn’t matter or be attended to but that you can let go of some of the pressure to find resolution in every conflict that arises. That’s not likely to happen – conflict can and will recur, even in healthy relationships!

How do you determine if a problem is solvable or not? To answer this question, exploring the difference between solvable problems and perpetual problems is important:

- Solvable problems: Problems that arise due to situational circumstances and have very little to no underlying meaning attached to them; resolution is possible.

- Perpetual problems: Problems that arise due to fundamental differences in you and your partner’s personalities or lifestyle needs; increased understanding of your partner’s perspective is possible, but resolution will be more elusive.

(Note: The category of perpetual problems includes a sub-type of problem referred to as gridlocked problems – these are perpetual problems that have evolved into conflict steeped with criticism and feelings of rejection by your partner.)

Don’t be discouraged if you still find it hard to categorize a specific problem you are having with your partner, even after reading these definitions – a solvable problem for one couple may be a perpetual problem for another couple.

Hearing this information about the nature of our disagreements can elicit different reactions from different people.

- Some people feel better: “This is completely normal, and most of our disagreements will be repetitive and over the same things.”

- Some people feel worse: “The odds are against us, and most of our issues will never come to a resolution.”

How does this make you feel?

How does this make your partner feel?

Now what do we do with this information?

In the next blog post in this series, we’ll examine how the same topic of conflict can be solvable, perpetual, or even gridlocked, depending on the couple. We’ll also explore how you and your partner can approach each type of problem.