Understanding Your Negative Pattern: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

There are many reasons couples seek couples therapy. There may have been a shared loss, an increase in life stressors like welcoming a new baby, a betrayal, an increase in conflict, or overall disconnection with one another.

There are a variety of reasons people find themselves in my couples therapy room. Regardless of the presenting problem, as an Austin couples therapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), one of my first tasks is to help my clients understand their negative cycle.

But let’s back up a little bit and first talk about attachment. As humans, we are hardwired to connect with others. We are born needing closeness, belonging, connection to our caregivers, and for our needs to be responded to. The way these needs are met or unmet is, in a nutshell, what we refer to as the attachment bond. 

While we develop and grow to be more independent and self-sufficient, the need for attachment bonds does not go away. We still seek closeness with others, and many find this bond through a love relationship. Within this bond, we hope to feel loved and understood, to share in meaningful experiences, and to be able to love and care for the other person. This bond becomes so important, and because it is so important, when there is emotional distance, a need is missed or you’re getting signals from your partner that your bond is threatened, a pattern of distress can emerge.

Most couples who experience conflict or difficult interactions will also notice that they follow a familiar and repetitive pattern - a negative cycle. They find themselves in this pattern over and over again. These are the interactions that feed off one another and lead to disconnection and conflict. Within these interactions, both partners are having an emotional response to the other person's way of coping with distress in the relationship.

It might look something like this…

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a model of couples therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, the first order of business is for the couple and therapist to get an idea of their unique negative cycle. It’s important to first map your cycle, understand your moves, your partner’s moves, and the emotions that trigger and keep the cycle going. Then you can slow down and choose a more successful path of communication where your message can not only be received but also digested and responded to.

Your EFT therapist will help you slow down and notice your emotional experience. What do you see that sets your “alarm bells” off? What happens inside for you? How do you make sense of what you see from your partner? What do you do next? How does your partner respond? And so on and so forth.

The Negative Cycle

When the negative cycle is alive between you and your partner, it’s moving VERY fast. Part of therapy is slowing this process WAY down and exploring each part of the cycle in a safe environment and in the care of a couples therapist. When you’re not caught in the cycle and have slowed down, you can process things from a less reactive and more receptive place, which means more space for new reactions and responses.

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Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

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Improve Your Communication by Learning to Regulate Your Nervous System

Imagine this scenario…

You receive exciting news of a promotion at work and are looking forward to sharing the news and excitement with your partner once you get home. You walk in the door so excited to share the news!

But when you see your partner, they are preoccupied and barely greet you. They let you know they can’t talk right now because they have a work deadline. Oh!... and “Can you cook dinner?” — They forgot to pick anything up. Suddenly you find yourself getting heated. You start yelling at your partner. You call them names and end up storming out.

Your relationship with the person you were so excited to share your news with is now in distress.

So, what may have happened here?

Let’s look at emotion dysregulation from the perspective of the nervous system (a.k.a., your body’s command center) and how it influences our social relationships.

The nervous system is constantly scanning the environment for both danger cues and safety cues. It speaks to us before our conscious mind does. As humans, we are hardwired to connect and communicate in order to feel safe. When we receive physiological cues that our relationship is in danger, we shift into an activated state where our capacity to listen or reason is compromised. Nervous system dysregulation can have a huge impact on communication with our partners and is often what leads couples into distressing fights.

In the example above, your partner’s preoccupied response sent your nervous system a danger cue — you perceived a message that you didn’t matter and that you couldn’t rely on your partner. These are terrible ways to feel about an important relationship. So what did you do with this cue? Your nervous system became dysregulated and you lashed out, expressing your hurt through anger, yelling, and leaving.

Sometimes, when dysregulated and out of sync with our partners, a great place to start is by getting in sync with ourselves. We need to move from danger to safety by working to actively regulate our nervous system.

Regulating our nervous system is beneficial for our individual wellbeing, as well as how we communicate, both verbally and nonverbally, with our partners. A regulated nervous system can help facilitate more mature, effective communication. When in a calm, clear, safe state, we can be more open and willing to hear our partner out, take a leap of faith, articulate our experience, speak from the now versus the hurt, and to fight more fairly.

There are multiple ways to regulate your nervous system, many of which stem from mindfulness practices. One fundamental practice is that of breathwork.

Here’s a simple mindful breathing practice to try:

• Start with an inhale to a count of 3

• Exhale to a count of 5, making your exhale longer than your inhale

• Continue this breathing pattern…

• Inhale… 1… 2… 3…

• Exhale… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…

• After you’ve repeated this pattern a few times, try adding in a grounding component by gazing at your feet and speaking aloud, “I am here, grounded and safe.” 

The next time you begin to feel activated, ask yourself, “What is my physiological response right now? Is my nervous system dysregulated and in fight, flight, or freeze mode?” If the answer is yes, it’s time to try a regulation technique like mindful breathing.

Getting curious about your nervous system and befriending it can aid in this process of regulation. Creating rituals to support your nervous system is one way to make this a practice so you can have healthier communication in your relationships.

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Check out the following resources for more info on nervous system regulation:

• Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory by Deborah Dana 

• Guided Mindfulness Meditations with Tara Brach

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Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

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Create Your 2022 Relationship Vision

What are your resolutions for the new year?

To get healthier, physically or mentally?

To better understand your finances and budget?

To keep a tidier home?

To finally make that career change?

Often, our New Year’s resolutions are for us as individuals — goals we set to work toward better versions of ourselves. When we talk about resolutions, we don’t often think about what we want for our marriages or relationships in the coming year.

Four years ago, we created an exercise at Austin Relational Wellness called the Relationship Vision Exercise. Since then, my husband and I have prioritized this exercise at the beginning of each new year. Not only does this help us to check-in surrounding shared goals, it has helped us actually take action on these goals. From saying “yes” to new experiences more often to actually sticking to a budget to prioritizing travel, we’ve actually seen meaningful results from this yearly practice.

For us, this exercise has turned into a yearly ritual of connection — something researchers and founders of Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Julie & John Gottman, dub as an important part of creating shared meaning and a strong relationship. This ritual is important to us because it’s a time to reflect on our relationship, celebrate the wins, and brainstorm about changes we want to make.

Communication about our wants, needs, and goals helps us to be present and intentional in our marriage. It helps us know one another better and build what the Gottman’s call Love Maps. It also helps us prevent future issues or misalignments from cropping up. The more we discuss what we want ahead of time, the more we can work toward these things together versus getting frustrated with the other for not participating or sharing our vision.

This week, my partner and I will be creating our 2022 Relationship Vision, and I’d like to challenge you to do the same. Take some time to focus on your relational health and to have the conversation as a couple to plan for the rest of the year. Re-evaluate what you each want together and think about what you need to get there.

What are your goals?

What challenges might you face?

And how can you each contribute and support one another throughout the year?

It’s simple — all you have to do is download the worksheet below to help guide your conversation, set a time to meet with your partner, maybe grab a bottle of wine, and just dream a little together. The act of writing down your shared vision can also help hold you each accountable and is nice to revisit when you’re wondering about your progress. If you each approach it with openness, it should be a connecting, meaningful exercise that leaves you feeling energized and motivated.

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We’d love to hear how your experience went! And of course, if one of your goals is to make your relationship or marriage more of a priority this year, reach out to us to inquire about our Austin couples therapy services.

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Article by Hannah Eubank, MA, LPC, LMFT

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3 Questions to Ask in Your Relationship

As humans, we are hardwired for connection. We seek closeness to others for intimacy, support, and to share in the ups and downs of life.

Attachment theory focuses on the relationship and bond between people, especially young children and their attachment figure. More recently, researchers have applied the science of early attachment to the bond between romantic partners. Through attachment research, we now know that the most important thing in relationships is emotional responsiveness.

As an Emotionally Focused couples therapist, I work with my clients to understand and reshape their communication so they can experience more successful vulnerability and safety in their relationship. One part of this is helping my clients understand how emotionally responsive they are to their partner.

In love relationships, we are constantly trying to gauge, “Are you there for me? Can I depend on you? Can I get you to respond to me?” We hope to feel loved, cared for, and understood. We want to know we can come to our partner in times of need. The repetition of feeling this way over time creates a secure bond between partners.

In Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson captures the essence of emotional presence in the acronym A.R.E. - Accessibility, Responsiveness and Engagement. Sue asks, “A.R.E. you there for me?”

Accessibility

Accessibility means I can get your presence or support when needed. Can I get your attention if I try? Can I depend on you to be open to my feelings? Can I reach for you physically or emotionally?

Responsiveness

Responsiveness means I can get a response to my bids for attention and needs. Will you show me empathy? Will you respond to my feelings? Will you comfort me when needed?

Engagement

Engagement means you keep me close and see me as unique and special in your life. Will you let me come close to you? Will you be impacted by my emotions? Will you let me be there for you? Am I valued, and do I matter to you? Will you draw me close?

Consider how Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged you are with your partner. Emotional presence is one way to provide comfort and security. If you’re interested in more exercises to strengthen your emotional bond, An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald is a great resource that you can work through at your own pace.

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Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

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The Importance of Play in Your Relationship

What do you think of when you hear the word play?

The idea of play is often associated with children, but there is much value in bringing play into our adult lives and relationships. Play can be defined as - to take part in enjoyment, fun, and activity. Esther Perel, psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author, defines play as “the pleasure of being inventive, mischievous, imaginative, and trying something new.” 

This leads us to the question — What are the benefits, and how can couples soften and get grounded through play?

Incorporating playfulness can have a positive impact on our wellbeing and relationships. Daily life is full of schedules, logistics, and productivity. Play itself isn’t result-oriented — the only goal is to experience pleasure. It gives us the opportunity to be present, loosen up the seriousness, and reconnect with ourselves and our partners. Other benefits include stress relief, improved brain function, increased energy, and stimulation of creativity.

Research also shows that play can ease conflict, bring security and connection to you and your partner, and be a way to punch through the hard times so you can get to the other side. According to research by psychologists and authors John and Julie Gottman, couples need a ratio of 5 good experiences to 1 negative experience. Play creates a more positive experience, which can balance the negative. A great way to increase the positive is to intentionally bring fun into your relationship. This creates a buffer for negativity and conflict… and can perhaps cut the tension in difficult moments. 

One way to channel play is to reflect on the spirit of a child — curious, carefree, and in the present moment. Some ways to increase play in your relationship include trying a new hobby like painting or boxing, eating your favorite popsicle like you did when you were younger, or dancing to music together. Find things that bring a smile to your face and make you giggle like a little kid. If you need some pointers, Esther Perel has a new card game to help people connect through play called the Where Should We Begin Game. 

So, how are you going to play today?

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Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

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References & Articles:

https://www.estherperel.com/focus-on-categories/play

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/benefits-of-play-for-adults.htm

https://www.gottman.com/blog/choose-partner-can-playful/

Meet the Counselors | Sarah Imparato

Meet Sarah!

Sarah is the newest addition to the Austin Relational Wellness team and an important part of our clients’ healing journeys. Sarah is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate and provides counseling and therapy services for adult individuals and couples.

Journey as a Helping Professional

Since she was a young child, Sarah has had a natural ability for helping people. She recalls being in just 3rd grade and being asked to help classmates resolve an argument over playing with a Rubix cube. She also remembers learning from her grandmother, Chata, about Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning and being enthralled with movies such as Girl, Interrupted and A Beautiful Mind. Throughout her schooling, she volunteered with organizations such as Safe Place and local camps for children with Autism. All of these experiences nurtured her fascination with how things work and her passion for inspiring others to live meaningful lives.

The culmination of these experiences led her to pursue a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and to work with adult individuals and relationships. Previously, Sarah has served clients in school and community settings at Anderson High School and Capital Area Counseling. Sarah graduated from St. Edward’s University with a Master of Arts in Counseling.

Sarah’s Counseling Services at Austin Relational Wellness

Sarah now serves as an individual therapist and couples counselor, where she helps people navigate various struggles, such as life transitions and relationship difficulties. She has come to deeply understand that each individual and relationship has a unique story. She finds great value in holding the container of compassion and understanding to help people feel seen, heard, and valued. In sessions, Sarah has a playful personality and sense of humor. She anchors clients in a way that allows them to be their most authentic selves and inspires them to grow toward where they want to go.

Outside of Counseling Sessions

When Sarah isn’t with clients, she cherishes quality time with friends, family, and her dog, Jackie O’. She enjoys playing sports and has learned a lot about mind-body connection through boxing and surfing. Sarah also understands the importance of mindfulness and subscribes to a balanced life of grounding work that includes mediation, journaling, and body work.

Get in Touch

If you would like to learn more about how Sarah works or are interested in scheduling an appointment, reach out via the button below! Sarah offers a free 15-minute phone consultation for all potential new clients.

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8 Reasons to Go to Counseling

There are many reasons people seek out counseling. Some use counseling to process relationship issues or to heal after a painful divorce or breakup. Some start counseling when they’re experiencing anxiety that’s interfering with their job or challenging relationships. Many people go when their self-esteem is low and they wish to get to a more confident place, while others turn to counseling when they are stressed and overwhelmed or are working through grief after a significant loss.

Struggles and rough patches in life are inevitable, and there are times where seeking the help of a licensed counselor can help you through a difficult time. We’ve talked about some of the life events that lead people to seek help, but how do you know it’s time to make a counseling appointment?

Here are a few reasons you might seek counseling.

1) You feel stuck

Oh, that dreaded stuck feeling! When you feel stuck, it can feel hopeless... like no matter what you try, it will never change, and things will never get better. Or there may be times you’re “stuck” and know what you need to do, but you’re having a hard time motivating yourself or staying accountable.

2) You feel disconnected from others around you

Humans are social creatures that are hardwired to be in relationship with others, which is why isolation and feeling disconnected can take a toll on our overall wellbeing. This might also show up as a lack of interest in hanging with friends or no longer enjoying the activities you typically like.

3) You’ve been talking a problem in circles with your family and friends

The support of close family and friends is a huge benefit, and it’s important to have a support system you can lean on when you need it. Sometimes it can be helpful to have a neutral party, like a skilled counselor, help you through the difficult times of life.

4) People in your life like to tell you what you should do

We love a good support system! But sometimes it can be difficult for our loved ones to watch us struggle through a rough patch. People have a natural inclination to show they care by minimizing pain and trying to fix it or make it better. While full of good intentions, this unsolicited advice can be unhelpful to our own process.

5) It feels like you’re not measuring up

In the world of Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook, social comparison is hard to avoid, and it can be easy to slip into an unhealthy pattern. Counseling is a good place to process what this brings up for you to help you keep a healthy mindset to get you where you want to be.

6) Your self-talk is critical and negative

Take a minute to check in with the voice in your head. What are you saying to yourself? How does this voice sound? Oftentimes our internal critics can be much harder on us than we would ever be on someone else. Sometimes working with a counselor to explore and change your negative and critical self-talk is the first step towards growth.

7) You’re experiencing unexplained physical symptoms like headaches, stomach problems, or sleep difficulties

More and more, we’re understanding the connection between our emotions and our bodies. Emotional stress can manifest in a number of ways, and sometimes this can include physical ailments. When something doesn’t feel right in your body, and you’ve ruled out a medical condition, it might be time to check in on your emotional stress levels.

8) You’re self-medicating with alcohol or drugs

When times get tough, we might notice an increase in substance use. If you’re turning to drugs or alcohol to numb emotional pain or issues, counseling can help you find healthier ways to cope.

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What are some of the reasons you’ve found yourself in counseling?

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Creating Your 2018 Holiday Vision

The holiday season has officially begun! It seems like most people experience the month of December as a wild and crazy marathon of events, sometimes full of stress or anxiety. Many people are wrapping up their year at work, making appearances at holiday parties, and traveling near and far to visit friends or family. We do our best to navigate this busy time, but it’s easy to get lost in the hustle bustle! Oftentimes, we end up feeling burnt out and like we didn’t get what we wanted or needed from the holidays.

With another week of celebration ahead of us, there’s still time! It can be helpful to take some time to think about what the holiday season means to you and what you wish to treasure and value about this time of year.

Decide on the values that support your vision for the holidays

A value is something that feels personally important to the way you live and work. We’re able to choose our values by exploring what makes us happy and helps us feel satisfied with our life. When what we do is well matched with our values, we’re typically content.

So what are your holiday values? It’s different for everyone, but it’s helpful to get clear on what they are for you. Below is a list of common values to get you thinking. Check them out and decide which are most important to you.

Celebration

Charity

Commitment

Connection

Hope

Hospitality

Enjoyment

Faith

Family

Friendship

Fun

Gratitude

Generosity

Joy

Love

Loyalty

Legacy

Play

Purpose

Tradition

Togetherness

Sacrifice

Service

Serenity

Thoughtfulness

Reflection

Relaxation

Responsibility

Ritual

Worship

Can you narrow it down to three main values?

What words would you use to describe your ideal holiday?

Now that you’ve narrowed down your values, come up with some descriptive feeling words that help convey what you hope to feel rather than what you want to do. For example, I want to feel relaxed, festive, present, warm, accepted, recharged, and purposeful. What are the things you look forward to around the holidays? When you think of them, how do they make you feel?

Write these words down.

Decide on the feelings you want to experience, and work to find them.

Examine your “wants” and “shoulds,” a.k.a. desires and obligations

The holidays are a balancing act of financial strain, family expectations, and the pressure to keep it all together. In and effort to please and keep the peace, many people manage this by overplanning and cramming it all in.

Take a moment to make two lists. On the desires list, write down of all the things you want to do. On the obligations list, write down all the things you feel you should do. For example, the amount of presents you should gift, the types of meals you should cook, or who you should spend New Year’s Eve with.

Examine what you came up with. How does each thing match up with your values? How does this list compare to the words you wrote down about how you want to feel?

When you’re planning your holiday, remember the values and feelings you wrote down. Unmet expectations can lead to huge let downs and disappointment, causing undue stress during the holiday season. You have the opportunity to start the conversation with your friends and family, to find out what they want out of the holidays, and to create your own holiday vision!

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-Cat

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6 Reasons to Give Couples Counseling a Try

1) You want to set your relationship or marriage up for success

Couples counseling isn’t just for married couples. You can go to couples counseling to help improve your relationship at any stage. In fact, it’s a great way to potentially prevent future problems. Whether you’re in a dating relationship, you’re engaged and want to participate in premarital counseling, or you’re in the early stages of your marriage, couples counseling can help set your relationship up for success.

2) You need help communicating calmly

All couples have conflict. It’s normal, natural, and it can be functional. The idea is not to have zero conflict at all, but it’s about communicating through conflict in a way that you can each be heard and hear one another. Couples counselors will be able to help you identify areas where you’re getting stuck, potentially leading to escalation, and offer you tools for working through conflict differently to de-escalate and have more productive conversations.

3) Your sex life could use a boost

Sex is an important part of any romantic relationship. When there’s a disconnect in the bedroom, it may result in one or both partners feeling dissatisfied or even cause conflict. Going to couples counseling for sexual issues can help you each move from a place of disconnection, anxiety, and/or hurt to a place of healing, connection, and intimacy.

4) You have frequent arguments about the same topic

Finding yourselves in a place where you argue about the same things over and over again can be exhausting and frustrating. Having these arguments about the same problems typically means you need to create a dialogue with one another and eventually come to a compromise that honors each of your needs. There may be a deeper meaning behind each person’s position on the issue that needs to be explored.

5) You’re aren’t connecting with your partner day-to-day

Over time, you may feel that you’re growing apart or have a lack of meaningful connection. Couples counseling can help you explore the reasons behind this. You’ll be able to identify and discuss needs that are important to each of you, meanings behind certain gestures, and explore ways of implementing regular practices to help strengthen your friendship and connection.

6) You’re having trouble understanding one another

Learning to see one another’s perspectives when there’s a disagreement is a huge component of couples counseling. Working to understand one another can be difficult, so it can be helpful to have some guidelines or outside perspective to help you communicate this understanding and offer empathy and validation to one another.

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Feeling like your relationship could use a little TLC? Contact our couples counselors here or request an appointment here.

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Nervous About Starting Individual Counseling? Here’s What to Expect

So you’re thinking about starting individual counseling...

If you’ve never experienced a counseling session before, you might be a bit apprehensive.

Oftentimes, the uncertainty of going to counseling is more about the fear of the unknown and not knowing what to expect than anything else. When you’re more familiar with the process of counseling, it  can help alleviate some of the pre-session anxiety and help you feel more comfortable during the first few sessions. Your experience will differ depending on the counselor or the practice you choose, but here are a few things you can expect from a first counseling session.

Once you’ve found a counselor you want to work with, it can be a good idea to prepare for the experience. On our website, we’ve included a specific page to help our clients know what to expect, from how to go about scheduling an appointment to what to do when you arrive for the first counseling session. Check out your counselor’s website to see if they provide this information. If they don’t, you can always call and ask.

There can be a lot of nerves involved with finding your counselor’s office, arriving on time, and waiting for your first session to begin. When you arrive, give yourself some time to settle in to the space and take some deep breaths. Some counseling offices have a receptionists who will guide you through the process, but many counselors simply share an office and waiting area with other providers. If there is no one there to check in with, take a seat and make yourself comfortable. Many waiting rooms will have refreshments like coffee, tea, or water so you can help yourself. Sit back and relax! Your counselor will meet you when it’s time for your appointment.

Client paperwork can vary, and each counselor has their own way of doing things, but one thing you can be sure of is for your counselor to review their informed consent document. This document informs you of your counselor’s credentials, how they approach the counseling process, limits to confidentiality, and other important info your counselor might want you to know. Take the time to read over this document and note any questions you might have. You’ll review it verbally at the start of your first session and will have a chance to discuss any questions or concerns you may have.

After reviewing informed consent and taking care of any other housekeeping items, it’s time to dive in. The purpose of the first counseling session is really about making sure it’s the right fit for you and to get to know one another. The counselor will typically lead by asking you questions about your life, who you are, and what you like. You’re building a new relationship with your counselor, and it’ll take some time to get to know one another. Your counselor will likely also want to talk about why you’re seeking counseling and what you hope to gain from the experience.

You may have some fear about feeling overcome with emotion or crying. Try not to worry too much about this, your counselor is comfortable with tears and wants to create a safe place to express any painful emotions you’re experiencing. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but it can be a release to let out a build-up of emotions. Your counselor is there to help you learn to navigate and become more comfortable with vulnerability.

Don’t forget, you can always reach out to your counselor beforehand to ask any questions you may have. Each counseling practice is different and has it’s own way of doing things, but we want you to know that it’s not as scary as it may seem.

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