Start Your Marriage Off Right: Benefits of Premarital Counseling Every Couple Should Know

 

Entering into marriage is one of the most significant life transitions, full of excitement, love, and hope for a shared future. As couples embark on this journey, many seek premarital counseling, hoping to enter their marriage with greater clarity and connection. As a couples therapist, I’ve had the privilege of guiding couples through this process, witnessing how it can deepen understanding, build effective communication, and help establish a solid foundation for a thriving marriage. Here are some of the top benefits of pre-marital counseling and why it’s a valuable investment in your future together. 

1. Strengthen Communication Skills 

One of the cornerstones of a healthy marriage is effective communication. While most of us believe we’re good at expressing ourselves, communicating in a relationship requires skills that many people aren’t naturally equipped with. Premarital counseling provides a safe environment to explore how you and your partner communicate, including learning to listen actively, express feelings openly, and navigate conflicts constructively. Couples often find that understanding how to communicate before they hit major life challenges can make those challenges less daunting and more manageable. 

2. Setting Realistic Expectations 

Every couple brings their own set of expectations to the marriage, often shaped by personal experiences, family backgrounds, and cultural influences. Premarital counseling allows couples to explore and clarify these expectations, from household responsibilities and financial management to parenting and lifestyle choices. By openly discussing these topics before marriage, couples can align their expectations, fostering a sense of shared goals and mutual respect. 

3. Understanding Each Other’s Background 

We each carry influences from our upbringing and family dynamics that affect how we approach relationships. Premarital counseling encourages each partner to explore how their family history, values, and past relationships impact their current behavior and needs. This understanding creates empathy and insight, helping partners to approach each other with greater patience and compassion. 

4. Enhance Intimacy and Connection 

Premarital counseling often covers topics related to emotional and physical intimacy, encouraging couples to share their needs, boundaries, and insecurities. This openness is essential for a satisfying relationship where both partners feel seen and valued. 

5. Strengthen Conflict-Resolution Skills 

When disagreements arise, how they’re handled matters more than what they’re about. Premarital counseling equips couples with tools to approach conflicts in a constructive manner, emphasizing mutual respect and collaboration. These skills can make all the difference in ensuring that conflicts don’t linger or create emotional distance but instead become opportunities to grow closer and understand each other better. 

6. Building Financial Transparency and Goals 

Money can be a source of tension in relationships, especially when partners have different attitudes toward saving, spending, or debt. Premarital counseling gives couples the chance to discuss financial expectations openly and to

create a joint plan for managing finances. By talking through budgeting, financial goals, and responsibilities, couples can feel better equipped to handle financial stressors as a team.

Premarital counseling is a meaningful investment in your relationship, one that lays the groundwork for a resilient, loving partnership. By choosing to explore each other’s values, learn effective communication, and prepare for the possible challenges ahead. 

If you’re thinking about starting premarital counseling, consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in premarital counseling. Whether you’re engaged or simply considering marriage, our experienced therapists at Austin Relational Wellness are here to equip you with skills and insights that will strengthen your relationship during your engagement and as you transition into marriage.

Book your appointment here. We look forward to helping you create a strong foundation for your future together!

 

Top Self-Help Books to Read in 2025: Therapist-Recommended

 

As a licensed couples therapist, I’ve witnessed firsthand how the right book can serve as a powerful catalyst for personal growth, healing, and self-awareness. The self-help genre continues to evolve, with authors tackling everything from mental health and relationships to productivity and emotional resilience. If you're looking for guidance or inspiration in 2025, here are some of my recommendations. 

1. "The Power of Tiny Habits" by BJ Fogg 

Small actions create big change—this core idea from behavioral scientist BJ Fogg remains as relevant as ever. This book provides practical strategies for building habits that stick, with an emphasis on starting small. Whether you're working on improving your mental health or tackling daily productivity, Fogg’s insights are game-changing. 

Therapist's Take: I recommend this book to clients who feel overwhelmed by change. It shows how incremental progress can lead to profound transformation over time. 

2. "Atlas of the Heart" by Brené Brown 

Brené Brown's exploration of human emotions offers a roadmap for understanding ourselves and connecting with others. She delves into 87 distinct emotions and experiences, helping readers expand their emotional vocabulary and build empathy. 

Therapist's Take: This book is an excellent resource for clients working on emotional intelligence, relationship challenges, or self-compassion. 

3. "Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle" by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski 

In an age where burnout is increasingly common, this book provides actionable advice for managing stress and completing the stress cycle. The Nagoski sisters blend science and storytelling to offer practical solutions for restoring balance. 

Therapist's Take: I frequently recommend this book to clients who struggle with chronic stress, perfectionism, or feelings of overwhelm. 

4. "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Nedra Glover Tawwab 

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and personal well-being, yet they’re often difficult to establish. Nedra Glover Tawwab offers clear guidance for identifying, setting, and maintaining boundaries in all areas of life. 

Therapist's Take: This is a must-read for anyone learning to prioritize their needs without guilt. It’s an empowering resource for managing relationships and self-care. 

5. "Emotional Agility" by Susan David 

In this rapidly changing world, the ability to navigate emotions with flexibility is crucial. Susan David offers a science-backed framework for building emotional resilience and embracing life’s complexities. 

Therapist's Take: This book is especially valuable for clients experiencing transitions or seeking to align their actions with their values.

6. "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver

This groundbreaking book by renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman distills decades of research into practical relationship advice for building a strong and healthy partnership. It covers everything from managing conflict to fostering intimacy and emotional connection. 

Couples Therapist's Take: I often recommend this book to couples seeking actionable strategies to enhance their relationship. The exercises and insights make it a practical guide for any stage of a partnership. 

7. "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson 

Rooted in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), this book by Dr. Sue Johnson offers a roadmap for creating deeper bonds through meaningful conversations. It helps couples understand and respond to each other's emotional needs, fostering secure and loving connections. 

Couples Therapist's Take: This book is a wonderful resource for couples looking to rebuild trust, improve communication, or deepen their emotional intimacy. 

How to Choose the Right Book for You 

When selecting a self-help book, consider your current goals or challenges. Are you looking to improve your relationships, manage stress, or understand yourself better? The right book can feel like a conversation with a wise and supportive guide. 

Remember, books are tools—reading is just the beginning. Applying what you learn is where the real growth happens. If you’re exploring these topics and feel you need additional support, therapy can be an excellent space to deepen your insights and put them into practice.

At Austin Relational Wellness, we offer therapy services aimed at helping individuals navigate their challenges and enhance their relationships. Partner with a professional and get tailored guidance and a safe space to deepen your insights and implement positive changes in your life!

 

Building a Healthy Relationship with Gratitude: Insights from Couples Therapy

 

As an Austin couples therapy provider, I often see how simple expressions of gratitude can bring couples closer together. Gratitude isn’t just about saying “thank you” now and then—it’s about intentionally recognizing and appreciating your partner’s efforts, qualities, and the love they bring into your life. In this blog post, I’ll share a few practical, meaningful ways to express gratitude to your partner, creating deeper emotional connection and harmony in your relationship. If you’re considering couples therapy or Austin marriage counseling, practicing gratitude can be a great starting point.

1. Make It a Daily Practice 

Gratitude thrives on consistency. Incorporate small moments of appreciation into your daily routine. Whether it’s thanking your partner for doing the dishes, picking up groceries, or just being there for you, regular acknowledgment of their contributions reinforces the idea that you value them. This daily practice compliments the work many couples do in couples therapy to strengthen their bond.

2. Use Specific and Heartfelt Language 

Instead of generic thank-yous, focus on what makes your gratitude personal and meaningful. For example, instead of saying, “Thanks for dinner,” try, “I really loved the way you made dinner tonight—it was exactly what I needed after a long day.” Being specific shows that you’re paying attention and genuinely value their effort.

3. Give Compliments Beyond the Surface 

While it’s nice to say, “You look great,” try focusing on deeper attributes. Express admiration for their kindness, resilience, or sense of humor. A comment like, “I love how thoughtful you were in helping me prepare for that meeting,” highlights their unique qualities and deepens your connection. Complimenting these traits can also align with the strategies you’ll learn in couples therapy.

4. Surprise Them With Thoughtful Gestures 

Actions often speak louder than words. Surprise your partner with a gesture that reflects your gratitude: 

  • Cook their favorite meal or dessert. 

  • Leave a note of appreciation in a place they’ll find it unexpectedly. 

  • Plan an activity you know they love. 

These small acts show that you’ve been thinking about them and want to make them feel valued.

5. Acknowledge Their Efforts in Challenging Times 

Gratitude is especially impactful when your partner is going through a tough time. Let them know you see their efforts: “I know things have been stressful at work, and I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you’re doing for us.”  Couples who attend marriage counseling or couples therapy often find that acknowledgment of effort builds resilience during tough times.

6. Create a Ritual of Gratitude Together 

Consider setting aside time each week to share what you’re grateful for in each other. This could be during a quiet dinner, a weekly check-in, or even before bedtime. A gratitude ritual fosters a culture of appreciation and positivity in your relationship, a practice that many couples refine during couples therapy or marriage counseling.

7. Celebrate Their Individual Achievements 

Gratitude also means supporting and celebrating your partner’s accomplishments, no matter how big or small. Recognize their efforts in personal or professional growth: “I’m so proud of how you handled that project. Your hard work really paid off.” 

8. Be Present and Attentive

Sometimes, the best way to show gratitude is simply to be present. Listen actively when your partner speaks, and show interest in their thoughts and feelings. Your undivided attention is one of the most meaningful ways to say, “I value you.” This attentiveness and ability to “turn toward” one another is a cornerstone of healthy communication and is central to our work in marriage counseling or couples therapy.

Expressing gratitude isn’t just about improving your partner’s day—it’s about nurturing the foundation of your relationship. Start small, stay consistent, and watch how appreciation can transform your connection over time. 

How will you show gratitude to your partner today?

If you’re looking for additional support to strengthen your relationship, consider exploring Austin couples therapy or marriage counseling. At Austin Relational Wellness, we have both in-person couples therapy and online marriage counseling options. Reach out today to schedule a free phone consultation or schedule an appointment online.

 

Meet Austin Couples Therapist Lauren Little

 

Tell us a little about your background as a therapist…

Hello there! My name is Lauren Little, and I am an Austin, TX-based Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) Associate seeing individuals, couples, and other relational units. As an Austin couples therapist, I work with a variety of clients and draw on my training in several therapeutic models, including Attachment Theory, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and Internal Family Systems (IFS). Additionally, I have received specific training in grief and loss, spiritual harm and religious trauma, and sex therapy. 

Why did you choose to become a therapist?

For the past decade, I have worked as a pediatric nurse caring for patients and their families facing chronic and terminal illnesses. My passion has always been to offer compassionate, holistic care. Over time, I found myself especially drawn to the mental health side of caring for others. My own experience in therapy has had a profound impact on me and ultimately inspired me to pursue graduate school. I went on to complete my Master’s in Counseling at Texas State University and pursued additional counseling training for couples therapy and other populations, further deepening my commitment to helping others on their healing journey.

What are you passionate about in the therapy room?

My training reflects the many passions that led me to become a therapist. As an Austin couples therapist, I am especially passionate about working with couples and individuals who seek deeper intimacy within their relationships and wish to overcome challenges in emotional and physical connection. I enjoy working with clients who desire a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationships with others.

Additionally, I am deeply committed to supporting clients who have experienced grief or loss, addressing the many aspects of life that can be impacted by these experiences. I am also particularly passionate about working with individuals who have experienced spiritual harm or religious abuse, helping them heal and rebuild a healthy sense of self.

In my work with individuals, I am dedicated to supporting those navigating life transitions, managing anxiety and depression, and those who may have experienced trauma or have developmental trauma histories.

Beyond the therapy space, what do you enjoy?

Outside of sessions, I cherish time with my husband and our baby girl. Together we love exploring Austin and find joy in the food and coffee scene. Catching live music or sitting down to a meal with family and friends are other favorite activities. If I’m not doing these things, I enjoy a good yoga flow, getting lost in a book, or finishing a sewing project. I am currently working on a quilt and learning how to two-step!

Looking for an Austin couples therapist or individual therapist? Reach out to Lauren to schedule a free 15-minute phone consult!

 

How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Strengthens Relationships: Applying Attachment Theory to Couples Therapy

 

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a type of therapy that focuses on helping individuals and couples understand and regulate their emotions to improve their relationships. EFT is a couples therapy model developed by psychologists Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg in the 1980s. The model draws on attachment theory, which suggests humans have an innate need for connection and emotional bonding with others.

More about Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a psychological theory that explains how humans form emotional bonds with others, especially during early childhood. British psychoanalyst, John Bowlby, developed the theory in the 1950s, and other researchers, such as Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main, have since expanded upon it.

The basic premise of attachment theory is that humans have an innate need for emotional bonding and security. These needs are met through close relationships with caregivers, such as parents or other primary caregivers. Bowlby believed that infants and young children develop an internal working model based on their experiences with their caregivers and that this model shapes their future relationships and behaviors.

Attachment theory suggests that early experiences with caregivers can shape an individual's attachment style and that attachment styles can change over time based on new relationship experiences. Understanding attachment theory can help build stronger relationships and improve emotional regulation and communication skills.

EFT & Attachment Theory

In EFT, couples therapists work with clients to identify and express their emotions and needs in a safe and supportive environment. Through this process, clients can gain a deeper understanding of their own emotions and their partner's, leading to increased empathy and intimacy in the relationship.

EFT is shown to be effective for a variety of relationship problems, including communication difficulties, conflict, infidelity, affair recovery, disconnection, and emotional distance. EFT has also been used to treat individual issues such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

How is EFT Different from other Couples Therapy Models

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) differs from other couples therapy models in several ways. Here are some of the main differences:

  1. Focus on emotions: EFT strongly emphasizes emotions and how they impact relationships. An EFT couples therapist helps clients identify and express their emotions in a safe and supportive environment, which can lead to deeper understanding and connection with their partners.

  2. Attachment-based: EFT is based on attachment theory, which emphasizes the importance of emotional bonding and security in relationships. EFT couples therapists help clients to identify their attachment styles and work to strengthen their emotional bonds with their partners.

  3. Short-term: EFT is typically a short-term couples therapy that involves between 8 and 20 sessions. The focus is on addressing the immediate issues in the relationship and helping clients to develop skills that they can use outside of couples therapy.

  4. Structured approach: EFT is a structured approach that involves specific steps and interventions. The couples therapist helps clients to identify negative patterns in their relationship and works to replace them with more positive and adaptive patterns.

  5. Involvement of the partner: EFT involves the partner in the couples therapy process, rather than just focusing on the individual. The therapist works to create a safe and supportive environment for both partners to express their emotions and needs.

Overall, EFT is a highly effective model of couples therapy and individual therapy that has been shown to be successful in treating a wide range of relationship issues. Its focus on emotions, attachment, and structured approach make it a unique and valuable tool for couples seeking to improve their relationships.

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

Offering Austin Couples Therapy and Individual Counseling

 

6 Strategies to Help Couples Navigate Life Transitions as a Team

 

Major life transitions, such as moving to a new city, having a baby, or changing careers, can bring about significant changes in a couple's dynamic. While these transitions can be exciting, they can also be challenging and stressful. In this blog post, we'll explore strategies for couples to support each other during these significant changes and maintain a strong, healthy relationship.

Understanding Major Life Transitions

Common Types of Life Transitions

    • Relocation: Moving to a new home or city

    • Career Changes: Starting a new job or business, changing careers, or going back to school

    • Family Changes: Getting married, having a baby, dealing with a family illness, or caring for aging parents

    • Financial Changes: Significant changes in income, such as a job loss or major investment

Common Challenges for Couples Experiencing Life Transitions

    • Stress and Anxiety: Uncertainty and fear of the unknown

    • Communication Breakdown: Misunderstandings and lack of communication

    • Different Coping Mechanisms: Each partner may handle stress differently

Strategies for Navigating Life Transitions

  1. Open Communication

    • Regular Check-Ins: Schedule time to talk about each partner’s feelings, needs, concerns, and expectations.

    • Active Listening: Listen to each other without interrupting and validate each other’s feelings.

    • Transparency: Be honest about your needs and worries.

    • Refrain from Criticizing: Transitions are difficult enough. Focus on your partner’s positive qualities and refrain from criticizing during conversations.

    • Check your Defensiveness: With increased stress and anxiety, it’s easy to be defensive and blaming. Manage your defensiveness and own your part to help conversations go more smoothly.

  2. Set Realistic Expectations

    • Manage Expectations: Understand that things might not go as planned and be prepared to adapt.

    • Be Patient: Allow time for adjustment, and don’t rush the process.

  3. Work as a Team

    • Share Responsibilities: Divide tasks and support each other in managing the workload.

    • Problem-Solve Together: Approach challenges as a team rather than individually.

  4. Seek Support

    • Professional Help: Consider seeing a couples therapist to help navigate the transition.

    • Support Networks: Lean on friends and family for additional support.

  5. Self-Care and Mutual Care

    • Personal Well-being: Take time for self-care activities to reduce stress.

    • Quality Time Together: Spend time doing enjoyable activities to strengthen your bond.

  6. Celebrate Milestones

    • Acknowledge Progress: Celebrate small wins and progress in your journey.

    • Create Positive Memories: Focus on creating positive experiences together.

Navigating these transitions alone can be overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. The strategies outlined may seem simple, but they can be difficult to implement when you’re in the midst of stress, anxiety, and communication difficulties. Our couples therapy services are designed to help you and your partner manage these changes and come out stronger on the other side.

If you’re facing a significant life transition and need support, contact us today to schedule a free consultation for Austin couples therapy and take the first step toward a healthier, happier relationship. Let us help you turn these challenges into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

Article by Hannah Eubank, LPC, LMFT

Contact us for Austin Couples Therapy through the link below

 

Stonewalling: Why the Silent Treatment Doesn’t Work & What to Do Instead

 

Stonewalling

In the post, Four Behaviors in a Marriage that Predict Divorce: Gottman’s Four Horsemen, we explained The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as outlined in Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver's book 'The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work' and used in couples and marriage counseling – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To deepen our understanding of these unhealthy relationship patterns, this final post in the series will focus on the concept of stonewalling.

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling occurs when one partner is feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotions, leading to a withdrawal from the conversation, emotional shutdown, or refusal to engage. During stonewalling, one partner may become silent, avoid eye contact, or physically leave the room. Stonewalling creates emotional distance and frustration for the other partner.

Scenario showing stonewalling

Parker and Courtney have two young children. They have noticed that, as their kids are getting older, they fight more frequently about how to parent them. In the last couple months, after what feels like the same repeating fights, stonewalling has become a part of their negative communication cycle.

Just last week, the couple found themselves in a tense conversation about their parenting styles. Realizing that they needed to keep talking about the issue, Courtney approached Parker in the kitchen, saying, "I think you and I need to find a way to some middle ground with how we parent kids… don’t you think?”

Parker just shook his head and walked away from her, without saying a word.

Courtney was suddenly in the kitchen by herself. She tried to call out after Parker, but he just ignored her.

What is the antidote to stonewalling?

Gottman recommends that if either partner feels too emotionally overwhelmed or charged, they should share that information and ask to have the conversation at another time. When taking a break is necessary, it's important to set a specific time to return to the discussion. During the time apart, each partner should focus on self-soothing activities. The goal of this intervention is to return to the conversation with a clearer mind, regulated emotions, and a more intentional approach to resolving the issue.

How could this interaction have gone differently?

Instead of just leaving the room and ignoring Courtney, Parker could have shared that he was feeling overwhelmed or frustrated and asked to have the conversation at another time. Courtney would have then had the opportunity to acknowledge Parker's request and agree to revisit the discussion when they were both in a better state of mind. 

Do you or your partner tend to stonewall during an argument? Marriage counseling can help. Contact us for a free phone consultation and start the process of repairing your marriage or relationship.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Marriage Counseling + Gottman Method Couples Counseling

 

Defensiveness: Stop Blaming Your Partner & Start Taking Responsibility

 

Defensiveness

The first entry in our blog series, Four Behaviors in a Marriage that Predict Divorce: Gottman’s Four Horsemen, detailed The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a concept noted in Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver's The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work – these include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To gain a better understanding of these detrimental relational dynamics, this post will concentrate on defensiveness – a common issue that comes up in couples counseling.

What is defensiveness?

Defensiveness is a natural response when one feels attacked or criticized. This becomes problematic when this reaction becomes a default mode of communication. Instead of accepting responsibility and trying to understand the other person’s perspective, there is usually a counterattack or deflection of blame.

Scenario showing defensiveness

For the last several weeks, June and Marty had been trying to navigate a perpetual issue in their marriage, and they both had noticed that the other had become very defensive when the topic came up.

Most days, after a meal, June would notice that Marty would leave his dirty dishes in the sink. One day she said, “I've asked you so many times to wash your dishes after you eat. It's like you never listen to me or care about my feelings. I just don’t get it."

Marty, feeling attacked, responded with, "Well, I'm not the only one who leaves dishes lying around. You do it too. I'm not the only one with the issue here."

June felt unheard and really didn’t like that Marty was throwing the responsibility back on her, so she said, "Yes, I may occasionally leave a dish in the sink, but that's not the point. I'm talking about your habit of doing it all the time, every day. You’re avoiding the issue."

Marty continued to try to justify his behavior by saying, "Well, you're making it sound like I'm a slob or something. I don't see what the big deal is."

The conversation had quickly devolved into a back-and-forth exchange where they weren’t resolving the issue and each of them was becoming more frustrated and defensive.

What is the antidote to defensiveness?

Gottman's remedy for defensiveness involves taking responsibility for your part in the conflict, trying to listen to your partner's perspective, and acknowledging their feelings. If you respond like this, you can shift the conversation from a negative communication loop into a more constructive dialogue, increasing the chances of resolution.

How could this interaction have gone differently?

To address the situation more constructively, Marty could have responded differently, acknowledging June's concerns and taking responsibility for his actions. In response, June could have then expressed appreciation for Marty's willingness to acknowledge her concern and suggested they work together to find a solution to the problem.

The remedy for defensiveness in a marriage sounds simple, but it’s not so easy to actually put into practice. Couples counseling can help. A couples counselor can spot defensiveness, make you aware of the cycle you’re caught in, and help you move toward greater acceptance of responsibility and understanding in your relationship. Contact us to be matched with a couples counselor who uses the Gottman Method to get started!

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Counseling + Gottman Method Couples Counseling

 

Contempt: 1 Simple Practice to Stop It From Ruining Your Relationship

 

Contempt

In our initial blog post, we introduced The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as outlined in Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver's book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To delve deeper into these harmful relationship patterns, this post will examine contempt.

What is contempt?

Contempt involves an attitude of superiority and disrespect towards the partner, often manifesting through sarcasm, mockery, or name-calling. Expressions of contempt might include eye-rolling, using demeaning language, or belittling the partner's opinions or interests. Contempt conveys a lack of regard for the other person's feelings and erodes the foundation of trust and intimacy.

Scenario showing contempt in a relationship

Will and Brett’s relationship had become strained due to their ongoing, stressful conflicts. In the last few months, their disagreements had started to include some contemptuous communication, and both of them were becoming more unhappy in their relationship. Their latest fight was over their upcoming summer vacation plans – which should have been a positive discussion to have. 

Brett expressed his desire to go to the beach since they had gone on several consecutive hiking vacations in the mountains over the last couple years. When Will said he wanted to go back to the mountains, Brett replied, “That’s not happening. We just did that last year. You aren’t ever able to slow down and relax…or agree to do what I want to do. I really don’t understand why we always have to go, go, go, on vacation all the time.”

Will, feeling dismissed, replied, “You're just being lazy as usual {and rolled his eyes}. It's pathetic how you don’t want to get out and appreciate nature. You only want to do nothing and lounge in the sun."

In this scenario, contempt was evident in Will's response. He not only disagreed with Brett's preference but also insulted him by implying that Brett was lazy and incapable of appreciating the outdoors.

What is the antidote to contempt? A simple practice to stop contempt in its tracks

To combat contempt, Gottman recommends building a culture of appreciation and respect in the relationship. Couples should actively nurture fondness and admiration for each other. Instead of contemptuous behavior, express appreciation and gratitude, regularly. Replace sarcastic remarks with kind and affirming words to help restore mutual respect and emotional closeness.

How could this interaction have gone differently?

In response, Brett could have acknowledged Will's feelings and attempted to find a middle ground for their vacation plans. This alternative approach would have strengthened their ability to have healthier communication and allowed them to work together to resolve their differences.

Do you recognize contempt showing up in your relationship? Relationship counseling can help. Contact us for a free phone consultation and start the process of repairing your relationship.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Relationship Counseling + Gottman Couples Counseling

 

Criticism: The Destructive Behavior to Stop Doing in Your Marriage or Relationship

 

Criticism

In the first post in this blog series on destructive communication patterns in your marriage, we defined The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as described in the book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, by Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To understand more about each of these dysfunctional relational cycles, this second post will focus on criticism, a communication pattern that often presents itself during marriage counseling.

What is criticism?

Criticism represents a destructive communication style where one partner attacks the other's character or personality, rather than addressing a specific behavior or situation. Instead of addressing the specific behavior, one partner generalizes the other’s faults or blames the other partner.

Scenario showing criticism in a marriage

Susie and Bill were high school sweethearts and married after college. Given the length of their relationship, they have certainly had their fair share of arguments. However, lately, their disagreements have started to turn critical.

Recently, Susie expressed her frustration with Bill, after he’d forgotten their anniversary a few days earlier. When Bill walked into the kitchen to grab a snack, Susie said, “Bill, I can't believe you forgot our anniversary again. It's like you don't care about our relationship or the things that are important to me.” Hearing this, Bill immediately replied, “Oh, come on, Susie.  It's just a date on the calendar. You're always making a big deal out of nothing. You're too sensitive, and you expect me to remember every little thing.”

In this short interaction, you can see clearly that Susie's part of the conversation turned critical when she accused Bill of not caring about their relationship. In doing this, she made a global statement about his character, implying he was neglecting their bond and being inconsiderate.

The Antidote to Criticism: How to stop criticism from destroying your marriage

Dr. Gottman suggests that couples combat criticism by practicing what he calls a "softened start-up." This technique involves approaching your partner by sharing your feelings and then relating these feelings to a specific concern in a gentle and non-accusatory way.

How could this interaction have gone differently?

Instead of making general statements about Bill's character, Susie could have said, "Bill, I really felt hurt and disappointed when you forgot our anniversary the other day. I always think about our anniversary as a day to celebrate us as a couple, and that day is important to me. It would mean a lot to me if you would remember that day as a special day for us." This approach focuses on Susie’s feelings and the specific behavior of Bill’s, rather than attacking him or globalizing his behavior.

Need a little help overcoming criticism in your relationship? Marriage counseling can help. Contact us for a free phone consultation and get your marriage back on track.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Marriage Counseling, Individual Counseling for Women, & Individual Counseling for Men