Self-care for Adult Children of Aging Parents

 

You blink, time flies, and coping with the aging process begins.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that my mother was picking me up from school? Now I’m wondering when she won’t be able to drive anymore. Does this mean I have to drive her?

I remember when my dad and I would bond over hikes. Now he has to take Advil and use ice packs. When will our last hike be? Am I really an adult now?

These are just some of the thoughts that might run through your mind as you watch your parents age.

Watching people you love go through something challenging can be a difficult process. It also influences our own meaning-making of who we once were and who we are now, especially as it pertains to inevitable change, mortality, and the meaning of life and legacy.

In this blog post, we will explore aspects of coping with aging parents.

Experiencing Change and Grief When Dealing with Aging Parents: Check in with Yourself

Ask yourself the following questions: 

  • How does this process impact you?

  • Does it bring up anxiety or depression?

  • Do you have a sibling to talk to or a friend that can validate your experience?

  • Would it be helpful to organize the logistics of care management?

  • Are there things you want to say to your parents?

Therapy is a great space to process the experience of coping with aging parents. Self-care and support groups are also useful resources. Try to notice the feelings, thoughts, and sensations of change and grief.

Mortality: Accepting Life and Death

Thinking about death can stir up many emotions. It is scary, sad, and yet, part of life.

What does mortality mean to you and do for you? Some might pre-mourn the inevitable. Some may not feel ready yet. Understanding and embracing the circle of life is an important step.

BJ Miller, a palliative care doctor, talks about end-of-life planning and has a great Ted Talk on thinking about death and honoring life.

Legacy and Meaning of Life: Being the Caregiver

What does caregiving to a parent look like to you?

Take the time to reflect on how you want to step into the role of caregiver. It is important to honor yourself and to acknowledge that the roles have changed and that it’s okay if it feels strange. Talking to others about their experiences and sharing stories may validate your experience and provide you with ideas. Remember, it is a transition that is new and unfamiliar, which can drum up mixed emotions. You can honor the emotions and experience by talking about it.

What is it you love about your parent(s)? What are you grateful for? What stories do you want to know about their life? It’s important to celebrate your parent while they are alive.

Write them a letter. Ask them questions. When you look back, what would you regret not saying or doing? Do it now. 

Examining our own relationship to aging and death is a bizarre part of life. Be gentle with yourself and open to how you need support during this time. 

If you’re struggling with processing and accepting living with an aging parent, especially if you’re experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression, therapy is a resource that can help.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

A New Way to Approach the New Year, Sans the Resolution

 

Another year, another resolution. Do you sometimes feel like you are going through the motions, and then it hits you… it’s Christmas again… suddenly it’s another New Year's Eve. Then you start thinking about what your resolution was last year…

“Was I supposed to go on a diet or get a gym membership?

Run a marathon?

Book a dream trip?”

Did it happen? What if, instead of creating a bucket list or a goal, you approached the new year with a sense of self and focused on inner growth, mindfulness, and meaning?

Growth

Instead of looking at the year and what you "should" or "shouldn't" do, explore where you have grown and where you want to grow. On a piece of paper, write down the things you wish to leave behind — perhaps it is shame or a toxic friendship. You might even wish to ceremonially burn this list in the act of letting go. Then, on another piece of paper, write down what you want to take with you — perhaps it is spending more time with family or saving money. Next, make a list of what you love about yourself and what you are proud of accomplishing in the last year.

Mindfulness

Research shows that being present is key to having a better quality of life. About 95% of the time, we are on autopilot, so why not slow down and become more aware of our thoughts, behaviors, and actions? One way to be present is through being mindful. Mindfulness is defined as finding purposeful ways to live in the present moment. There are many mindful practices, including yoga, journaling, and breathing. 

Here are a couple of other mindfulness practices you can try implementing into your daily routine:

Wake up with gratitude and purpose: When you wake up, don't immediately go for your phone. Instead, put your hand over your heart and name three things you are grateful for. Then ask yourself what your purpose is today.

Intentional Eating: When you eat, chew slower. Try to notice the flavors, and be grateful for your meal.

Meaning

When we are mindful, we can access our consciousness more. Greater Good Magazine authors and researchers write a lot about happiness and meaning. One recent study found that people were happier when they lived more meaningful lives. As psychiatrist and psychotherapist Viktor Frankl theorized, research shows you can find meaning through experience, understanding, and purpose. 

Experience: This can be through a walk in nature or a concert with a loved one. How do you currently create significance in experiences? 

Understanding: Another way we make meaning in life is by making sense of it. A great way to explore this is through individual therapy. Some examples of questions that may be explored in individual therapy are: “Do I accept my family?” or “Are my basic needs being met?”

Purpose: The third way to find meaning is through purpose. What is your purpose, and why is it important to you? Is it helping to care for a loved one? Having children? Donating your time to charitable efforts? Are you doing something beyond yourself?

This year, consider forgoing the typical resolution and cultivating a growth mindset, mindfulness, and meaning. Focusing on these areas will surely build a lifetime of legacy more meaningful than unrealized resolutions.

If you could use a guide to help you explore, I’m currently accepting new clients for individual therapy.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas