6 Strategies to Help Couples Navigate Life Transitions as a Team

 

Major life transitions, such as moving to a new city, having a baby, or changing careers, can bring about significant changes in a couple's dynamic. While these transitions can be exciting, they can also be challenging and stressful. In this blog post, we'll explore strategies for couples to support each other during these significant changes and maintain a strong, healthy relationship.

Understanding Major Life Transitions

Common Types of Life Transitions

    • Relocation: Moving to a new home or city

    • Career Changes: Starting a new job or business, changing careers, or going back to school

    • Family Changes: Getting married, having a baby, dealing with a family illness, or caring for aging parents

    • Financial Changes: Significant changes in income, such as a job loss or major investment

Common Challenges for Couples Experiencing Life Transitions

    • Stress and Anxiety: Uncertainty and fear of the unknown

    • Communication Breakdown: Misunderstandings and lack of communication

    • Different Coping Mechanisms: Each partner may handle stress differently

Strategies for Navigating Life Transitions

  1. Open Communication

    • Regular Check-Ins: Schedule time to talk about each partner’s feelings, needs, concerns, and expectations.

    • Active Listening: Listen to each other without interrupting and validate each other’s feelings.

    • Transparency: Be honest about your needs and worries.

    • Refrain from Criticizing: Transitions are difficult enough. Focus on your partner’s positive qualities and refrain from criticizing during conversations.

    • Check your Defensiveness: With increased stress and anxiety, it’s easy to be defensive and blaming. Manage your defensiveness and own your part to help conversations go more smoothly.

  2. Set Realistic Expectations

    • Manage Expectations: Understand that things might not go as planned and be prepared to adapt.

    • Be Patient: Allow time for adjustment, and don’t rush the process.

  3. Work as a Team

    • Share Responsibilities: Divide tasks and support each other in managing the workload.

    • Problem-Solve Together: Approach challenges as a team rather than individually.

  4. Seek Support

    • Professional Help: Consider seeing a couples therapist to help navigate the transition.

    • Support Networks: Lean on friends and family for additional support.

  5. Self-Care and Mutual Care

    • Personal Well-being: Take time for self-care activities to reduce stress.

    • Quality Time Together: Spend time doing enjoyable activities to strengthen your bond.

  6. Celebrate Milestones

    • Acknowledge Progress: Celebrate small wins and progress in your journey.

    • Create Positive Memories: Focus on creating positive experiences together.

Navigating these transitions alone can be overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. The strategies outlined may seem simple, but they can be difficult to implement when you’re in the midst of stress, anxiety, and communication difficulties. Our couples therapy services are designed to help you and your partner manage these changes and come out stronger on the other side.

If you’re facing a significant life transition and need support, contact us today to schedule a free consultation for Austin couples therapy and take the first step toward a healthier, happier relationship. Let us help you turn these challenges into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

Article by Hannah Eubank, LPC, LMFT

Contact us for Austin Couples Therapy through the link below

 

What is Anticipatory Grief? A Counselor Weighs in on How to Cope

 

Anticipatory grief is a complex and often misunderstood emotional experience that occurs when someone anticipates an impending loss of someone or something – this can be anything from the death of a loved one to children transitioning out of the family home to a relationship ending. Unlike conventional grief, which comes after the actual loss, anticipatory grief allows you to begin the grieving process before the actual loss occurs.

During this time, individuals may experience a range of conflicting emotions. Anticipatory grief can range from sadness and anxiety to guilt and anger and even relief. You may feel guilty for experiencing moments of relief or anger toward the situation. You may grieve not only the impending loss but also the future you had envisioned before transitioning through the loss. This wide range of emotional states can feel emotionally overwhelming, leaving you in a constant state of emotional flux.

A unique challenge of anticipatory grief is that this process can be prolonged in nature, feeling like an extended state of limbo, waiting for the inevitable loss to occur. Therefore, taking care of yourself is crucial to navigating this waiting period. Self-care takes on added significance during this time, so prioritizing both your physical and emotional health can help you maintain an overall sense of well-being, alongside processing the loss. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and peace can provide a much-needed respite from the heavy emotions you are feeling. Rest, nutrition, exercise, and stress-reducing practices like meditation or journaling can help maintain a sense of balance.

Seeking support is crucial when experiencing anticipatory grief, so connecting with friends, family, or a support group can provide understanding and empathy during this challenging time. If you feel you need additional support, grief counseling can offer a safe space to process emotions, explore coping mechanisms, and find solace.

Acceptance and surrender are also vital aspects of navigating anticipatory grief, so recognizing this is a natural response to an impending loss allows you to validate your emotions without self-judgment. Practicing self-compassion and allowing yourself to feel all the emotions that arise can help to facilitate healing and growth in the midst of the challenging transition.

Anticipatory grief is a complex emotional journey that individuals face when they expect a loss to occur. Realizing that this type of grief can be experienced in a wide array of circumstances allows you to process your loss and the associated emotions in a healthy, beneficial way. 

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Individual Counseling for Women, Individual Counseling for Men, & Couples Counseling in Austin, TX

 

7 Tips to Help Couples Find Work-life Balance in their Relationships

 

Finding a balance between work and personal life can be challenging, especially for couples. The demands of careers and daily responsibilities often lead to neglected relationships and increased stress. However, with conscious effort, effective strategies, and consistent attention, couples can maintain a healthier work-life balance.

Here are some tips to help couples find harmony in both their careers and relationships:

1. Communicate frequently

Open and honest communication is the foundation of any successful relationship. Discussing each other’s work schedules, commitments, and personal needs is important for couples. Regular check-ins can help assess how each of you is feeling with respect to stress levels and allow you both to make necessary adjustments.

2. Prioritize quality time together

Whether it’s a weekly date night, weekend getaway, or a simple home-cooked dinner, setting aside quality time for each other during busy days and weeks can strengthen a couple’s emotional connection.

3. Set boundaries

Establish boundaries between work and personal life to avoid burnout and ensure time for relaxation and rejuvenation. Encourage each other to switch off work-related devices outside of work hours and try to keep from discussing work issues during moments designated for family, time alone, or time with each other.

4. Share household responsibilities

Divide household chores and responsibilities in a way that feels fair to each partner. A shared domestic workload allows both partners to feel supported and reduces the stress of managing a home, alongside demanding careers.

5. Practice self-care

Individual self-care is essential for each partner to maintain a healthy work-life balance. Encourage each other to pursue individual hobbies, to exercise, and to connect with friends. Taking care of oneself enables each partner to show up as their best selves in the relationship.

6. Learn to say no

It's vital for couples to recognize their limits and learn to say no when overwhelmed with too many commitments. Overextending yourself or your family can lead to increased stress and diminished quality time together.

7. Be flexible and adaptable

Life is unpredictable, and work-life balance can sometimes tilt in one direction more than the other. Being flexible and adaptable during these times so that you are able to navigate challenges together and find creative solutions.

Maintaining a healthy work-life balance is crucial for couples so that they are more likely to thrive both personally and professionally. Remember, a successful work-life balance isn't about achieving perfection but rather finding a sustainable equilibrium that allows love and careers to flourish simultaneously. If you find that maintaining work-life balance becomes consistently difficult, consider seeking professional help from a couples therapist.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Individual Therapy for Women in Life Transitions, Individual Therapy for Men, Couples Counseling, & Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

 

The Negative Impact of Loneliness | Why Social Connection Matters

 

The US Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, is a champion for relationships and combatting the negative effects of loneliness and even goes so far as to say that loneliness is an epidemic in America. He states that as many as 1 in 2 adults feel this way. Personally, I have heard friends say things like, “I am in a happy marriage, but during the lockdown, I lost my gym. I don’t feel like I have a sense of community anymore.” - or - “All my friends are married with kids, so I have no one to travel with.” Couples therapist Ester Perel states, “We work from home, we get our groceries delivered, and we date from our couch.” In this blog, we will identify what loneliness is, why community matters, and how to find a sense of belonging.

Murthy defines loneliness as “a subjective distressing experience that results from perceived isolation or inadequate meaningful connections, where inadequate refers to the discrepancy or unmet need between an individual’s preferred and actual experience.” The feeling of loneliness can evoke a sense of unworthiness, lack of purpose, and isolation. Loneliness can have profound impacts on both mental and physical health. 

When you think about addressing loneliness, Murthy suggests looking at social connection. Social connection impacts our biology, behavior, and psychology, which impacts our health. Research has shown that loneliness can lead to heart disease, self-harm, and cognitive functioning issues like dementia, diabetes, hypertension, depression, and anxiety. Murthy also notes data stating that a lack of connection is equivalent to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day! In fact, there is a 26% chance of earlier death due to loneliness. These are just some of the physical and mental health risk factors of loneliness that social connection can help combat.

In a previous blog, I shared how the quality of the relationship is a direct indicator of quality of life. Social connection actually increases an individual’s chance of survival by 50%. When you feel less lonely, your nervous system is more regulated, and you have an increased sense of belonging and worthiness.

Take a moment to think about the impact of loneliness or connectedness in your life:

  • How do you feel around loved ones? Do you feel connected, or do you feel distant?

  • How are you sleeping and eating? Though many factors can influence these areas, if you feel a lack of connection, it’s likely that your physical health is impacted as well.

  • What is your motivation to pursue your goals? Loneliness can affect our ability to act on our goals, whereas connectedness can help support motivation and persistence.

It’s worth taking some time to inventory things that deplete you of connection and things that nourish your relationships. Things that deplete us of connection and can enhance feelings of loneliness include social media, texting instead of calling friends, only working from home, using apps for services, not being present in the moment, or lacking gratitude. Things that nourish our social connections include saying hi to the bank teller, running errands, calling a friend, joining a community, engaging in hobbies, volunteering, or working from a coffee shop.

Are you experiencing loneliness? Therapy can help. Reach out to us to speak with a therapist if you’re interested in therapy to improve the quality of your relationships.

 

Secure Attachment Style in Relationships

 

Relationship Scenario: You call your partner, and they don’t answer. 

Someone with an anxious attachment style might say: “Did I do something wrong? When will they call me back?”

Someone with an avoidant attachment style says: ”If they’re rejecting my call, I will ignore them when they call back.”

Someone with a secure attachment style might say: “Hmm, they must be busy. I will get back to work and look forward to hearing from them.” - or - “I will just text them - Call me when you’re free. It is not an emergency. I just have a question about dinner.”

Secure Attachment Style

Secure attachment is the healthiest attachment style. It is grounded, mature, and wise. Those with secure attachment have a healthy sense of self-worth, acceptance, and vulnerability. Those with secure attachment manage emotions and communication in the clearest way, leaving less of a push-pull in their relationships. 

In my previous two posts on attachment styles, we explored anxious attachment and avoidant attachment styles. In this blog post, we will touch on what it means to have a secure attachment style, as well as how a secure attachment style is developed as a child and then shows up as an adult.

Attachment styles are four behavioral archetypes based on attachment theory and research. Research suggests that secure attachment style is the most common type of attachment style in our society. Around 66% of the nation’s population is estimated to have a secure attachment style.

How does Secure Attachment Style Develop?

A child’s experience of responsiveness and attunement from caregivers impacts how they experience the world and relationships later in life. As children, those with a secure attachment style likely had their caregiver attend to them when they had physical cues such as crying. As a baby, they trusted their caregiver would be there for them. Trust is the anchor of secure attachment style. These individuals also had a stronger ability to self-soothe, as well as the ability not to let emotions drive their behavior.

Children develop secure attachment by having their needs met, feeling supported, having a sense of belonging, and feeling safe, trusted, seen, and heard while also being able to be on their own and test the world, knowing they can return safely. An example of a child with secure attachment would be - a child having their parent within view while still having autonomy and playing independently.

Secure Attachment in Adult Relationships

In adulthood, a secure attachment style is typically characterized as feeling comfortable in intimate relationships, balancing thinking emotionally and logically with a sense that, no matter what, you’ll be okay. People with a secure attachment style are generally able to communicate their needs and feelings effectively. It is the ability to self-soothe and regulate the nervous system, plus knowing, liking, and trusting all parts of yourself.

An adult with secure attachment:

  1. Knows how to regulate their emotions and understands their feelings 

  2. Has autonomy and the ability to navigate the world independently 

  3. Is open, connected, and trusting of others

  4. Is clear on who they are and what their purpose is

  5. Can communicate clearly 

  6. Strives to live a meaningful life

  7. Can ask for support from others and also lend support to others

  8. Is balanced with togetherness and separateness

  9. Is comfortable alone

  10. Is able to be reflective and observant of how they participate and contribute to the relationship

The good news is you can change your attachment style. Even if you didn’t have all these things growing up, you can work on shifting your attachment style and becoming securely attached in your adult relationships.

How to move from anxious or avoidant attachment styles to secure attachment style: 

  1. Learn to self soothe 

  2. Learn to regulate emotions and your nervous system

  3. Express primary vulnerable emotions

  4. Go to individual therapy 

  5. Take time to be self-compassionate and mindful

  6. Be around those that feel safe in a relationship and feel capable and comfortable being transparent

  7. Attend relationship therapy or couples therapy with your partner to practice healthy communication

  8. Set healthy boundaries

Developing a secure attachment style can lead to even more fulfilling and satisfying relationships, along with greater emotional well-being. So don't hesitate to work towards this goal - your future self will thank you! If you would like to work on developing a secure attachment style in your relationships, reach out to us to book an individual therapy, relationship therapy, or couples therapy session. 

 

What’s the Difference Between Couples Therapy and Individual Therapy

 

Couples therapy and individual therapy are types of therapy that cater to different needs and challenges. While both focus on improving mental health and well-being, they are designed for different contexts and address unique issues. In this blog post, we will explore the key differences between couples therapy and individual therapy and why they can assist in strengthening relationships and fostering personal growth.

One of the differences between couples therapy and individual therapy is the focus of therapy. In couple’s therapy, the therapist’s client is the relationship, not either of the individual partners, and the therapist helps the couple explore their dynamics, communication styles, and patterns of interaction between partners. Couples therapy may focus on discussions around intimacy, trust, and shared goals. On the other hand, individual therapy focuses on the needs and concerns of an individual. The therapist’s client is the individual themselves, and the therapist works one-on-one with the client to explore their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in a safe and confidential environment. Individual therapy typically focuses on personal growth, self-awareness, and self-improvement and can include work to manage or improve a client’s anxiety, depression, trauma, self-esteem, and coping skills.

Another difference between couples therapy and individual therapy is the therapeutic relationship. In couples therapy, the therapist serves as an advocate for the goals set for the relationship, facilitating communication between partners, helping them understand each other's perspective, and guiding them towards resolving conflicts. The therapist aims to create a safe space where both partners can express themselves openly and work towards mutual understanding and resolution. In contrast, individual therapy works within the dyadic client-therapist relationship, and the therapist acts as a supportive and non-judgmental ally who helps the client gain insight into their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors while developing coping strategies to manage challenges.

The goals of couples therapy and individual therapy can also differ. In couples therapy, the primary goal is to improve relationship dynamics, and the therapist can help the couple develop effective communication skills, rebuild trust, and foster emotional intimacy. The focus is on the relationship itself, and both partners are encouraged to take responsibility for their role in the couple’s presenting issues and work towards solutions together. In individual therapy, the focus of sessions is tailored to the individual's specific needs and concerns as they pertain to fostering personal growth and improving well-being. This may include exploring and understanding one's emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, as well as developing coping skills, improving self-esteem, managing stress, and resolving past traumas.

While both couples therapy and individual therapy are valuable forms of therapy, they differ in their focus, approach, and goals. Understanding how these types of therapy differ can help you choose the best approach for you and/or your partner.

At Austin Relational Wellness, our therapists offer both couples therapy and individual therapy. Reach out to us to learn more!

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Individual Therapy for Women in Life Transitions, Individual Therapy for Men, Couples Therapy, & Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

 

Benefits of Premarital Counseling

 

Premarital counseling can be beneficial for the health of both partners and your relationship, even if you’re looking forward to your wedding and don’t feel like you have any pressing relational issues. This type of counseling provides a safe and supportive space for couples to explore specific aspects of their relationship. Pre-marital therapy can help improve communication skills, preemptively identify future challenges, build a stronger relational bond between partners, discuss sensitive topics, and plan for the future.

Improve communication skills

Effective communication is crucial to a healthy relationship and can positively impact a couple’s relational and mental health. Through counseling, couples can learn how to express their thoughts and feelings in a way that is clear, respectful, and non-confrontational. They can also learn active listening skills that promote emotional intimacy and reduce the risk of misunderstandings that can negatively affect their relationship.

Identify future disputes

Premarital counseling can help to identify and address potential, longer-term challenges, before they become significant issues. This can be done by assisting partners to identify potential triggers or future misalignments and develop coping strategies that minimize the impact of these conflicts on the health of their marriage.

Develop skills to navigate conflict

All couples will experience some type of conflict. Counseling can help to identify the couple’s patterns while in conflict and introduce new skills and strategies to improve their argumentative styles. Improvements in how a couple argues can result in shorter times in discourse and greater understanding of their partner’s unique perspective.

Build stronger relational bonds

Counseling can help partners develop a deeper understanding of each other's needs, increase emotional connection, and build a deeper sense of trust – all important components of a healthy marriage. By strengthening these parts of their relationship, a couple can protect their relationship from feelings of loneliness when life becomes stressful.

Discuss sensitive topics

Premarital counseling provides a safe space to discuss sensitive topics, such as intimacy, family planning, finances, religion, past trauma, or mental health struggles. Couples can explore these issues and work through these areas in a non-judgmental and supportive environment. This work can lead to increased emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and empathy for themselves and each other.

Plan for the future

Counseling can help couples set realistic expectations for their future together. This is especially important since having unspoken, unrealistic expectations for their marriage can lead to disappointment, frustration, and stress. Engaging in therapy can help partners develop strategies to competently navigate challenges that may arise as their marriage commences and matures.

If you and your partner are interested in benefiting from premarital counseling, reach out to any of our therapists for support in your journey to the altar. 

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Individual Therapy for Women in Life Transitions, Individual Therapy for Men, Couples Therapy, & Marriage Counseling in Austin, TX

 

How to Support Someone with Anxiety

 

To conclude this series on panic attacks and anxiety, this post will focus on how to support someone who experiences anxiety. Check out my previous posts to read the full series - Panic Attacks vs. Anxiety | How to Know the Difference + How To Support Someone During a Panic Attack.

Similar to panic attacks, unless you have had a discussion with your loved one about how they want to be cared for during their anxious moments, you can feel unsure about how to provide support for them. Here, we list some strategies you can immediately employ with them or use to begin a dialog about what may resonate best with them to manage their anxiety. By learning more about some of these general tactics, you can help create a stable, understanding environment for anyone who struggles with anxiety.

Here are some suggestions for how to care for someone who is experiencing anxiety:

  • When someone shares that they are feeling anxious, listen and validate their feelings. Anxious thoughts can feel overwhelming so try to avoid minimizing their anxiety, dismissing their experience, or telling them to “just relax”. Instead, show empathy and acknowledge the challenges they are facing.

  • Encourage the person to identify triggers that may have led to the onset of their anxious feelings and help them to employ coping strategies such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or practicing mindfulness. Ask them if they have any unique, specific tactics that have worked for them in the past and then help them to implement them.

  • Anxiety can make everyday duties more difficult, so offer practical, logistical support by helping with tasks such as grocery shopping, running errands, or basic housekeeping. Assisting with some of these common, daily tasks can help alleviate some of the general stress your loved one may be feeling at the same time as the anxiety is present.

  • Supporting someone who is experiencing anxiety can be emotionally and mentally draining so also remember the importance of taking care of yourself. This may involve seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional of your own.

  • If your loved one’s anxiety is severe or interfering with their daily life, encourage them to seek help from a mental health professional. A therapist or other mental health provider can help them understand the root cause of their anxiety and develop additional strategies for managing it.

With patience and understanding, you can help your loved one feel supported and cared for as they experience and manage their anxiety. Remember that seeking help and finding coping strategies are important steps in managing anxiety and improving overall well-being.

 

9 Cognitive Distortions That Influence Negative Thinking

 

Do you recall a time when you were driving, a song came on, and as a result, you felt a certain emotion or had a specific memory? Then what happened? Did you feel sad and cry, or maybe you got mad and got upset? Then what did you do? Did you text your ex because the song made you think of them or honk at a car around you because you were mad?

Sometimes, do you feel like these experiences are out of your control? Our thoughts impact our emotions, which influence our behavior. This concept is the foundation of a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, also known as CBT.

The premise of CBT is about how what we feel, what we think, and how we act impact one another.

Let’s take another example - you go on Instagram, see someone posted a picture on vacation with their new girlfriend, and you then think, “I will die alone.”

This is an example of what we call a cognitive distortion - a thought pattern or belief that is exaggerated, irrational, or inaccurate. Sometimes we create cognitive distortions from thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

CBT therapy helps you process your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to be more present. One way to do this is by working with cognitive distortions.

Examples of cognitive distortions:

  1. Black and white thinking - you have an all-or-nothing mentality

    Example: “I didn’t do the dishes. I am lazy, and I am a failure.”

  2. Catastrophizing - you go to the extreme, worst-case scenario 

    Example: “I will not pass the exam, and it will be a bad experience.”

  3. Discounting - you feel unworthy and discount an experience, justifying the unworthiness

    Example: “I only passed because I got lucky.”

  4. Emotional reasoning - you rationalize your feeling

    Example: “I feel sad, so something must be wrong with my career.”

  5. Labeling  - you label yourself as something negative 

    Example: “I am broken.”

  6. Should statements - you guilt or shame yourself for what you think you are supposed to do

    Example: “I should fold the laundry right now, even though I am exhausted.” 

  7. Blaming - you blame someone or something else

    Example: “It is my mom's fault for being like this.” 

  8. Overgeneralizing  - you generalize an experience

    Example: “I had bad luck last time I tried this. I will never get it right.”

  9. Mind reading - assuming what someone else is thinking

    Example: “I know he doesn’t like me.”

Cognitive distortions can impact how we feel about ourselves, go about our day, and impact our overall well-being. With CBT strategies, we can become more aware and train ourselves to be aware of these thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors to improve our quality of life.

Here are a few CBT strategies:

Cognitive Restructuring

This strategy is about identifying and reframing cognitive distortions with a better outlook.

For example, you recognize when tell yourself that you are lazy because you should have been more productive (an example of a should statement and an overgeneralization). You can use the strategy of cognitive restructuring to reframe and consciously remember all the times you have been productive, then instead tell yourself that maybe you need rest right now.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is one of the best ways to be present. Mindfulness practices include breathing, meditation, journaling, and moving your body. The key is to purposefully engage in and focus on an experience without any evaluation or judgement. With a mindfulness practice, you become more aware of your thoughts, befriend them, and are able to just be with them.  You can bring the subconscious to consciousness. You can respond versus react to your thoughts. By tuning into yourself, you can intentionally replace your cognitive distortions with cognitive restructuring.

Other CBT strategies include exposure therapy, self-compassion, behavioral activation, and skill training.

Realizing that some of these cognitive distortions are ones you use at times? Reach out to Sarah for support in recognizing and working with cognitive distortions in individual CBT therapy.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships

 

In my previous post, I wrote about attachment theory, attachment styles, and specifically, anxious attachment style. In this post, we’ll explore another type of attachment style — avoidant attachment style.

Avoidant Attachment Style

People with an avoidant attachment style are generally more distant or dismissive of closeness and intimate relationships. Oftentimes, these individuals did not receive the closeness they were perhaps craving as a child. Their need to express emotions and connectedness was met with disapproval. Those with an avoidant attachment style perhaps had more closed-off, emotionally unavailable, or stern parents. With this, as adults, those with an avoidant attachment style can be very independent and self-sufficient and appear confident. These individuals may fear too much closeness and come off as dismissive.

Avoidant Attachment Style Triggers

Those with avoidant attachment styles can display the image of being overall happy and “fine.” At the same time, on the inside, they struggle to connect with their partner or to feel safe expressing themselves deeply. They might appear to have high self-esteem and a fun-loving personality. They are easy to be around, and it often seems like they have it all together, but they struggle to actually get close to others. For those with avoidant attachment style, a relationship can start to feel scary when the bond starts to feel too “deep.” It may feel like a closed door when it comes to emotional closeness and intimacy with this attachment style. To a partner, this may seem hot and cold and be confusing.

Ways to Manage an Avoidant Attachment Style 

For those with avoidant attachment style, a first step to managing this style is actually to create space and distance. This is a good time to self-reflect and recalibrate the nervous system. Once you regulate your nervous system, you can start asking yourself questions like — “What do I feel? What sensations are arising emotionally and physically? What will make me feel safe to open up?”

Then ask yourself — “What do I need, and what should I do?”  How can you feel safe to share with your partner and lean into the conversation? What will make you feel close?   Gaining insight into your internal compass and taking baby steps towards softening towards another person is a strong step forward that can lead you from avoidant to secure attachment.

For the partner of an individual with avoidant attachment style, it can be so hard to give the avoidant partner space, especially if the partner leans towards an anxious attachment style themselves. The partner may need to take a beat and get curious about their own attachment triggers to give room for their partner to manage theirs. You can also approach your partner by asking how you can support them and how the two of you can connect in the moment. 

In addition to self-reflection and nervous system regulation, individual therapy, marriage counseling, couples therapy, and mindfulness practices can help you manage your avoidant attachment style.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas