Tips from a Therapist on Coping with Pet Loss & Grief

 

If you’ve ever had a pet, you’ve experienced how animals love us unconditionally. They know all parts of us and are our “fur babies”, which can make it so hard to process when they are sick or when they pass. In fact, research has shown losing a pet can hit harder than losing a human for some people.

Lately, I have had a handful of conversations with friends about making difficult decisions, such as having to put their dog down or their cat suddenly getting sick. They’ve described how the experiences filled them with a rush of anxiety and panic and left them wondering how to cope. Personally, I have a senior dog that is aging, and I too have explored what grief due to pet loss looks like.

Understanding your grief and loss

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, it is widely accepted in the therapist community that grief has 5 stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While they are called stages, they don’t always go in a particular order, so it’s important to honor where you are at any given moment.

The first few days may hit you the hardest. When you don’t hear their paw steps or there’s no one wagging their tail at the door to greet you, it can be difficult.

Like any time you are struggling, you want to be sure you are meeting your basic needs and that you are eating, sleeping, going to work, and meeting obligations. Around the month mark, you may want to assess if it feels more like depression than grief. In a future post, I’ll touch on the differences between grief and depression.

Find ways to process the grief and loss 

One way to process grief is through ceremony. Prior to your pet passing, give them their best moments before saying goodbye — a steak, a walk on the beach, and all the “I love you’s”. If you can, create a ceremony to celebrate their life. You can even hold a service with your community of friends. 

Take the space you need 

It is okay to take a personal day from work. In fact, some companies honor pet loss as a family loss. You can also find ways to grieve such as:

1. Find a support group or system

2. Write your pet a letter

3. Know that your grief is valid

4. Don’t compare your grief to others’

5. Honor when and if you want to have another pet join your family

6. Acknowledge that it is okay to cry and have waves hit you suddenly

7. Talk about your pet and share memories with those around you

8. Talk to a therapist

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Austin, TX Grief & Loss Therapist

 

8 Self-Compassion Exercises for Critical Self-Talk

 

In my previous post, I talked about the importance of self-compassion in coping with symptoms of depression and anxiety. In this blog post, I will follow up with 8 self-compassion exercises prepared by local Austin, TX self-compassion researcher and writer, Kristin Neff. These exercises can help you learn to shift out of critical self-talk and increase your mental health. 

Exercise 1:  Talk to Yourself Like a You Would a Loved One

If your best friend was struggling, think about how you would respond… Compare this to your own self-talk. Have you ever found that what you say to yourself is much harsher than what you would say to a friend? For example: If you were late for work, you may say to yourself, “What is wrong with you, why can’t you be on time?”  If you were talking to a friend, perhaps you would say, “That’s ok, we are all human and make mistakes.”  It’s a simple shift, but try to talk to yourself as if you were speaking to someone else. 

Exercise 2: Self-Compassion Break 

This is like a pep talk or talking yourself off the ledge. Kristen Neff suggests

1. Acknowledge it hurts, that this is a moment of pain, and that is okay.

2. Accept and be open to validation that you aren’t alone in this suffering.

3. Ask yourself what you need with an affirmation to yourself such as, “May I be gentle with myself.” Then pause.

Exercise 3: Writing

Get a journal! There is a great deal of research and science-backed data on the benefits of journaling. You can journal when you find you are hard on yourself and need to reframe your self-talk with self-compassion. You may find that you start with negative journaling, but then work to reframe your writing with forgiveness and loving kindness towards yourself. 

Exercise 4: Touch 

Touch has the powerful impact of soothing us. You can activate this by co-regulating with your pet, getting a massage, or hugging a loved one. An exercise in intentional touch activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps you regulate anxiety and return to safety in the present moment. And when we feel grounded in the moment, we are more likely to be nice to ourselves. What form of touch calms you?

Exercise 5: Reframe Your Critical Voice

Start by slowing down and being more aware of your internal self-critic. With more mindfulness and practice, this will become a habit. When you catch yourself saying something harsh to yourself, talk to yourself like a best friend and reframe it. For example, you can say, “There you go being hard on yourself. You don’t need to do that to yourself today. You did the best you could. You are safe and okay.” Less shame and “shoulds”, more your tenderness towards yourself. How can you warm your critical voice?

Exercise 6: Self-Compassion Journal

This exercise is similar to the writing exercise above, but it goes a layer deeper than the catharsis of the previous writing exercise. This self-compassion exercise prompts you to take a painful experience from your day and process using the 3 components of self-compassion:

1. Mindfulness

2. Common humanity

3. Self-kindness

This helps you learn how to see you aren’t alone in your suffering and flexes the self-compassion muscle of emotions and thoughts.

Exercise 7: Problem-Solve

Do you ever feel stuck and go down the shame spiral? If you know what you want, you can perhaps free yourself from the self-induced suffering.

1. Identify where self-criticism is your motivator - your body image, your finances?

2. Is there a kinder way you can motivate yourself? What is the most supportive thing you can say to yourself?

3. When you catch your self-criticism, pause, reframe, and be your own cheerleader.

Exercise 8: Caregiving the Caregivers

The saying goes, put your own oxygen mask on first. It is okay to set boundaries and recharge. You can say no to events and places. As you may help a child recharge, see how a nap and a soft blanket can be nourishing. Offer yourself the same opportunities to care for yourself and get cozy.

Whether you’re implementing self-compassion practices with guidance in individual counseling or on your own, exercises like these can be an important part in helping you live a healthy, fulfilling life with loving kindness towards yourself and others.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Austin, TX Individual Counseling

 

Self-Compassion: A Useful Tool to Counter Anxiety and Depression

 

When your friend goes through a breakup, do you find yourself able to reassure them that it will all be okay?

Or when they call you embarrassed over something they did, are you able to see it from a different perspective and offer love and support? 

On the other hand, when you do something embarrassing yourself, you say to yourself, “How embarrassing, what is wrong with you?” Why do you offer compassion towards others and criticism towards yourself? For many individuals, this act of self-criticizing can contribute to depression, anxiety, and many other mental health difficulties.

Fortunately, there’s something you can do to counteract your inner critic. Let’s explore the concept of self-compassion. 

Kristen Neff, associate professor in the University of Texas at Austin's department of educational psychology, has heavily researched self-compassion and the power it has to support an individual in the process of getting unstuck and steering the brain away from criticism.

Self-compassion is noticing your suffering and offering yourself compassion as you would your best friend. Self-compassion is not high self-esteem or self-pity.

Neff states, “Self-compassion involves acting the same way [you would towards others] towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”

Neff identifies 3 elements to self compassion:

  1. Self-kindness vs. self-judgment - offering self-kindness that is warm and understanding vs. self-judgment that is cold and critical

  2. Common humanity vs. isolation - recognition that suffering is a natural part of the human experience and you aren’t alone in making mistakes or feeling uncomfortable feelings

  3. Mindfulness vs. overidentification - acknowledgment and observance of your negative emotions rather than reactivity or suppression of the emotions

There are many self-compassion techniques that are similar to mindfulness techniques. Through her research, Neff found that the key is not to suppress the pain but to just be with it in acceptance. You can always start with a pressing exercise, to release the suffering and invite self-compassion. I like putting my hand over my heart and saying, “It’s okay… you are here now… you are human.”

It isn’t always easy to have compassion for yourself when you’re struggling with your mental health or experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety. In my next post, I will share 8 simple exercises you can do to practice self-compassion.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate