Take Charge of Your Mental Health: A Therapist's Guide to Setting Boundaries

 

Boundaries are the invisible lines we draw around ourselves to define our limits, protect our mental health and our emotional and physical well-being, and maintain a sense of autonomy. Establishing boundaries is an act of self-respect, asserting your needs and values in relationships and situations. Maintaining a sense of balance can be challenging, especially when it comes to establishing and maintaining boundaries. As a therapist, I understand the crucial role that boundaries play in our mental health and emotional well-being. In this first blog post in my boundary blog series, we'll explore how you can implement boundaries in your own life. 

7 Tips for Implementing Boundaries from a Mental Health Therapist

1. Self reflect

One of the first steps when thinking about implementing boundaries is to begin by reflecting on your values, needs, and personal boundaries. What behaviors or situations leave you feeling drained or uncomfortable? Identify areas in your life where boundaries are needed.

2. Clarify your limits

Define your boundaries clearly and specifically. Be honest with yourself about what you're comfortable with and what crosses the line, whether it's time, energy, physical space, or emotional intimacy.

3. Communicate assertively

Practice assertive communication when expressing your boundaries to others. Use "I" statements to assert your needs without blaming or accusing. Be direct yet respectful in your interactions when setting boundaries.

4. Set realistic expectations

Be realistic about what you can and cannot control. Understand that not everyone will respect your boundaries, and that's okay. Focus on asserting your limits and prioritizing your well-being, regardless of others' reactions.

5. Learn to say “no” 

Saying no is a powerful act of self-care and boundary-setting. Practice saying no to requests or obligations that conflict with your boundaries. This might feel a bit uncomfortable at first. However, it is essential when working towards maintaining boundaries and prioritizing your well-being.

6. Seek support 

Surround yourself with supportive individuals who respect and encourage your boundaries. Seek guidance from friends, family, or a therapist who can offer validation, insight, and encouragement as you navigate the boundary-setting process.

7. Practice self-compassion

Be gentle and kind with yourself as you begin to establish and enforce boundaries. It's normal to feel anxious or guilty when you are beginning to set boundaries. However, remember that prioritizing your well-being is not selfish — it's essential for your overall health and happiness.

By recognizing and respecting our own boundaries, we honor ourselves and create space for growth, authenticity, and fulfillment in our lives. Understanding boundaries and how to implement them is the first step towards cultivating healthier, more balanced relationships with ourselves and others. So, take a moment to reflect on your own boundaries, and remember, it's okay to set limits that prioritize your mental health and well-being.

Starting therapy is a great way to prioritize your well-being. If you’d like some help working through and implementing your own boundaries, reach out for a free phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit for working together!

 

What is Anticipatory Grief? A Counselor Weighs in on How to Cope

 

Anticipatory grief is a complex and often misunderstood emotional experience that occurs when someone anticipates an impending loss of someone or something – this can be anything from the death of a loved one to children transitioning out of the family home to a relationship ending. Unlike conventional grief, which comes after the actual loss, anticipatory grief allows you to begin the grieving process before the actual loss occurs.

During this time, individuals may experience a range of conflicting emotions. Anticipatory grief can range from sadness and anxiety to guilt and anger and even relief. You may feel guilty for experiencing moments of relief or anger toward the situation. You may grieve not only the impending loss but also the future you had envisioned before transitioning through the loss. This wide range of emotional states can feel emotionally overwhelming, leaving you in a constant state of emotional flux.

A unique challenge of anticipatory grief is that this process can be prolonged in nature, feeling like an extended state of limbo, waiting for the inevitable loss to occur. Therefore, taking care of yourself is crucial to navigating this waiting period. Self-care takes on added significance during this time, so prioritizing both your physical and emotional health can help you maintain an overall sense of well-being, alongside processing the loss. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and peace can provide a much-needed respite from the heavy emotions you are feeling. Rest, nutrition, exercise, and stress-reducing practices like meditation or journaling can help maintain a sense of balance.

Seeking support is crucial when experiencing anticipatory grief, so connecting with friends, family, or a support group can provide understanding and empathy during this challenging time. If you feel you need additional support, grief counseling can offer a safe space to process emotions, explore coping mechanisms, and find solace.

Acceptance and surrender are also vital aspects of navigating anticipatory grief, so recognizing this is a natural response to an impending loss allows you to validate your emotions without self-judgment. Practicing self-compassion and allowing yourself to feel all the emotions that arise can help to facilitate healing and growth in the midst of the challenging transition.

Anticipatory grief is a complex emotional journey that individuals face when they expect a loss to occur. Realizing that this type of grief can be experienced in a wide array of circumstances allows you to process your loss and the associated emotions in a healthy, beneficial way. 

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Individual Counseling for Women, Individual Counseling for Men, & Couples Counseling in Austin, TX

 

Tips from a Therapist on Coping with Pet Loss & Grief

 

If you’ve ever had a pet, you’ve experienced how animals love us unconditionally. They know all parts of us and are our “fur babies”, which can make it so hard to process when they are sick or when they pass. In fact, research has shown losing a pet can hit harder than losing a human for some people.

Lately, I have had a handful of conversations with friends about making difficult decisions, such as having to put their dog down or their cat suddenly getting sick. They’ve described how the experiences filled them with a rush of anxiety and panic and left them wondering how to cope. Personally, I have a senior dog that is aging, and I too have explored what grief due to pet loss looks like.

Understanding your grief and loss

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, it is widely accepted in the therapist community that grief has 5 stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While they are called stages, they don’t always go in a particular order, so it’s important to honor where you are at any given moment.

The first few days may hit you the hardest. When you don’t hear their paw steps or there’s no one wagging their tail at the door to greet you, it can be difficult.

Like any time you are struggling, you want to be sure you are meeting your basic needs and that you are eating, sleeping, going to work, and meeting obligations. Around the month mark, you may want to assess if it feels more like depression than grief. In a future post, I’ll touch on the differences between grief and depression.

Find ways to process the grief and loss 

One way to process grief is through ceremony. Prior to your pet passing, give them their best moments before saying goodbye — a steak, a walk on the beach, and all the “I love you’s”. If you can, create a ceremony to celebrate their life. You can even hold a service with your community of friends. 

Take the space you need 

It is okay to take a personal day from work. In fact, some companies honor pet loss as a family loss. You can also find ways to grieve such as:

1. Find a support group or system

2. Write your pet a letter

3. Know that your grief is valid

4. Don’t compare your grief to others’

5. Honor when and if you want to have another pet join your family

6. Acknowledge that it is okay to cry and have waves hit you suddenly

7. Talk about your pet and share memories with those around you

8. Talk to a therapist

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Austin, TX Grief & Loss Therapist

 

8 Self-Compassion Exercises for Critical Self-Talk

 

In my previous post, I talked about the importance of self-compassion in coping with symptoms of depression and anxiety. In this blog post, I will follow up with 8 self-compassion exercises prepared by local Austin, TX self-compassion researcher and writer, Kristin Neff. These exercises can help you learn to shift out of critical self-talk and increase your mental health. 

Exercise 1:  Talk to Yourself Like a You Would a Loved One

If your best friend was struggling, think about how you would respond… Compare this to your own self-talk. Have you ever found that what you say to yourself is much harsher than what you would say to a friend? For example: If you were late for work, you may say to yourself, “What is wrong with you, why can’t you be on time?”  If you were talking to a friend, perhaps you would say, “That’s ok, we are all human and make mistakes.”  It’s a simple shift, but try to talk to yourself as if you were speaking to someone else. 

Exercise 2: Self-Compassion Break 

This is like a pep talk or talking yourself off the ledge. Kristen Neff suggests

1. Acknowledge it hurts, that this is a moment of pain, and that is okay.

2. Accept and be open to validation that you aren’t alone in this suffering.

3. Ask yourself what you need with an affirmation to yourself such as, “May I be gentle with myself.” Then pause.

Exercise 3: Writing

Get a journal! There is a great deal of research and science-backed data on the benefits of journaling. You can journal when you find you are hard on yourself and need to reframe your self-talk with self-compassion. You may find that you start with negative journaling, but then work to reframe your writing with forgiveness and loving kindness towards yourself. 

Exercise 4: Touch 

Touch has the powerful impact of soothing us. You can activate this by co-regulating with your pet, getting a massage, or hugging a loved one. An exercise in intentional touch activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps you regulate anxiety and return to safety in the present moment. And when we feel grounded in the moment, we are more likely to be nice to ourselves. What form of touch calms you?

Exercise 5: Reframe Your Critical Voice

Start by slowing down and being more aware of your internal self-critic. With more mindfulness and practice, this will become a habit. When you catch yourself saying something harsh to yourself, talk to yourself like a best friend and reframe it. For example, you can say, “There you go being hard on yourself. You don’t need to do that to yourself today. You did the best you could. You are safe and okay.” Less shame and “shoulds”, more your tenderness towards yourself. How can you warm your critical voice?

Exercise 6: Self-Compassion Journal

This exercise is similar to the writing exercise above, but it goes a layer deeper than the catharsis of the previous writing exercise. This self-compassion exercise prompts you to take a painful experience from your day and process using the 3 components of self-compassion:

1. Mindfulness

2. Common humanity

3. Self-kindness

This helps you learn how to see you aren’t alone in your suffering and flexes the self-compassion muscle of emotions and thoughts.

Exercise 7: Problem-Solve

Do you ever feel stuck and go down the shame spiral? If you know what you want, you can perhaps free yourself from the self-induced suffering.

1. Identify where self-criticism is your motivator - your body image, your finances?

2. Is there a kinder way you can motivate yourself? What is the most supportive thing you can say to yourself?

3. When you catch your self-criticism, pause, reframe, and be your own cheerleader.

Exercise 8: Caregiving the Caregivers

The saying goes, put your own oxygen mask on first. It is okay to set boundaries and recharge. You can say no to events and places. As you may help a child recharge, see how a nap and a soft blanket can be nourishing. Offer yourself the same opportunities to care for yourself and get cozy.

Whether you’re implementing self-compassion practices with guidance in individual counseling or on your own, exercises like these can be an important part in helping you live a healthy, fulfilling life with loving kindness towards yourself and others.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Austin, TX Individual Counseling

 

Self-Compassion: A Useful Tool to Counter Anxiety and Depression

 

When your friend goes through a breakup, do you find yourself able to reassure them that it will all be okay?

Or when they call you embarrassed over something they did, are you able to see it from a different perspective and offer love and support? 

On the other hand, when you do something embarrassing yourself, you say to yourself, “How embarrassing, what is wrong with you?” Why do you offer compassion towards others and criticism towards yourself? For many individuals, this act of self-criticizing can contribute to depression, anxiety, and many other mental health difficulties.

Fortunately, there’s something you can do to counteract your inner critic. Let’s explore the concept of self-compassion. 

Kristen Neff, associate professor in the University of Texas at Austin's department of educational psychology, has heavily researched self-compassion and the power it has to support an individual in the process of getting unstuck and steering the brain away from criticism.

Self-compassion is noticing your suffering and offering yourself compassion as you would your best friend. Self-compassion is not high self-esteem or self-pity.

Neff states, “Self-compassion involves acting the same way [you would towards others] towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”

Neff identifies 3 elements to self compassion:

  1. Self-kindness vs. self-judgment - offering self-kindness that is warm and understanding vs. self-judgment that is cold and critical

  2. Common humanity vs. isolation - recognition that suffering is a natural part of the human experience and you aren’t alone in making mistakes or feeling uncomfortable feelings

  3. Mindfulness vs. overidentification - acknowledgment and observance of your negative emotions rather than reactivity or suppression of the emotions

There are many self-compassion techniques that are similar to mindfulness techniques. Through her research, Neff found that the key is not to suppress the pain but to just be with it in acceptance. You can always start with a pressing exercise, to release the suffering and invite self-compassion. I like putting my hand over my heart and saying, “It’s okay… you are here now… you are human.”

It isn’t always easy to have compassion for yourself when you’re struggling with your mental health or experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety. In my next post, I will share 8 simple exercises you can do to practice self-compassion.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate