Stonewalling: Why the Silent Treatment Doesn’t Work & What to Do Instead

 

Stonewalling

In the post, Four Behaviors in a Marriage that Predict Divorce: Gottman’s Four Horsemen, we explained The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as outlined in Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver's book 'The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work' and used in couples and marriage counseling – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To deepen our understanding of these unhealthy relationship patterns, this final post in the series will focus on the concept of stonewalling.

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling occurs when one partner is feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotions, leading to a withdrawal from the conversation, emotional shutdown, or refusal to engage. During stonewalling, one partner may become silent, avoid eye contact, or physically leave the room. Stonewalling creates emotional distance and frustration for the other partner.

Scenario showing stonewalling

Parker and Courtney have two young children. They have noticed that, as their kids are getting older, they fight more frequently about how to parent them. In the last couple months, after what feels like the same repeating fights, stonewalling has become a part of their negative communication cycle.

Just last week, the couple found themselves in a tense conversation about their parenting styles. Realizing that they needed to keep talking about the issue, Courtney approached Parker in the kitchen, saying, "I think you and I need to find a way to some middle ground with how we parent kids… don’t you think?”

Parker just shook his head and walked away from her, without saying a word.

Courtney was suddenly in the kitchen by herself. She tried to call out after Parker, but he just ignored her.

What is the antidote to stonewalling?

Gottman recommends that if either partner feels too emotionally overwhelmed or charged, they should share that information and ask to have the conversation at another time. When taking a break is necessary, it's important to set a specific time to return to the discussion. During the time apart, each partner should focus on self-soothing activities. The goal of this intervention is to return to the conversation with a clearer mind, regulated emotions, and a more intentional approach to resolving the issue.

How could this interaction have gone differently?

Instead of just leaving the room and ignoring Courtney, Parker could have shared that he was feeling overwhelmed or frustrated and asked to have the conversation at another time. Courtney would have then had the opportunity to acknowledge Parker's request and agree to revisit the discussion when they were both in a better state of mind. 

Do you or your partner tend to stonewall during an argument? Marriage counseling can help. Contact us for a free phone consultation and start the process of repairing your marriage or relationship.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Marriage Counseling + Gottman Method Couples Counseling

 

Defensiveness: Stop Blaming Your Partner & Start Taking Responsibility

 

Defensiveness

The first entry in our blog series, Four Behaviors in a Marriage that Predict Divorce: Gottman’s Four Horsemen, detailed The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a concept noted in Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver's The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work – these include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To gain a better understanding of these detrimental relational dynamics, this post will concentrate on defensiveness – a common issue that comes up in couples counseling.

What is defensiveness?

Defensiveness is a natural response when one feels attacked or criticized. This becomes problematic when this reaction becomes a default mode of communication. Instead of accepting responsibility and trying to understand the other person’s perspective, there is usually a counterattack or deflection of blame.

Scenario showing defensiveness

For the last several weeks, June and Marty had been trying to navigate a perpetual issue in their marriage, and they both had noticed that the other had become very defensive when the topic came up.

Most days, after a meal, June would notice that Marty would leave his dirty dishes in the sink. One day she said, “I've asked you so many times to wash your dishes after you eat. It's like you never listen to me or care about my feelings. I just don’t get it."

Marty, feeling attacked, responded with, "Well, I'm not the only one who leaves dishes lying around. You do it too. I'm not the only one with the issue here."

June felt unheard and really didn’t like that Marty was throwing the responsibility back on her, so she said, "Yes, I may occasionally leave a dish in the sink, but that's not the point. I'm talking about your habit of doing it all the time, every day. You’re avoiding the issue."

Marty continued to try to justify his behavior by saying, "Well, you're making it sound like I'm a slob or something. I don't see what the big deal is."

The conversation had quickly devolved into a back-and-forth exchange where they weren’t resolving the issue and each of them was becoming more frustrated and defensive.

What is the antidote to defensiveness?

Gottman's remedy for defensiveness involves taking responsibility for your part in the conflict, trying to listen to your partner's perspective, and acknowledging their feelings. If you respond like this, you can shift the conversation from a negative communication loop into a more constructive dialogue, increasing the chances of resolution.

How could this interaction have gone differently?

To address the situation more constructively, Marty could have responded differently, acknowledging June's concerns and taking responsibility for his actions. In response, June could have then expressed appreciation for Marty's willingness to acknowledge her concern and suggested they work together to find a solution to the problem.

The remedy for defensiveness in a marriage sounds simple, but it’s not so easy to actually put into practice. Couples counseling can help. A couples counselor can spot defensiveness, make you aware of the cycle you’re caught in, and help you move toward greater acceptance of responsibility and understanding in your relationship. Contact us to be matched with a couples counselor who uses the Gottman Method to get started!

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Counseling + Gottman Method Couples Counseling

 

Contempt: 1 Simple Practice to Stop It From Ruining Your Relationship

 

Contempt

In our initial blog post, we introduced The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as outlined in Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver's book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To delve deeper into these harmful relationship patterns, this post will examine contempt.

What is contempt?

Contempt involves an attitude of superiority and disrespect towards the partner, often manifesting through sarcasm, mockery, or name-calling. Expressions of contempt might include eye-rolling, using demeaning language, or belittling the partner's opinions or interests. Contempt conveys a lack of regard for the other person's feelings and erodes the foundation of trust and intimacy.

Scenario showing contempt in a relationship

Will and Brett’s relationship had become strained due to their ongoing, stressful conflicts. In the last few months, their disagreements had started to include some contemptuous communication, and both of them were becoming more unhappy in their relationship. Their latest fight was over their upcoming summer vacation plans – which should have been a positive discussion to have. 

Brett expressed his desire to go to the beach since they had gone on several consecutive hiking vacations in the mountains over the last couple years. When Will said he wanted to go back to the mountains, Brett replied, “That’s not happening. We just did that last year. You aren’t ever able to slow down and relax…or agree to do what I want to do. I really don’t understand why we always have to go, go, go, on vacation all the time.”

Will, feeling dismissed, replied, “You're just being lazy as usual {and rolled his eyes}. It's pathetic how you don’t want to get out and appreciate nature. You only want to do nothing and lounge in the sun."

In this scenario, contempt was evident in Will's response. He not only disagreed with Brett's preference but also insulted him by implying that Brett was lazy and incapable of appreciating the outdoors.

What is the antidote to contempt? A simple practice to stop contempt in its tracks

To combat contempt, Gottman recommends building a culture of appreciation and respect in the relationship. Couples should actively nurture fondness and admiration for each other. Instead of contemptuous behavior, express appreciation and gratitude, regularly. Replace sarcastic remarks with kind and affirming words to help restore mutual respect and emotional closeness.

How could this interaction have gone differently?

In response, Brett could have acknowledged Will's feelings and attempted to find a middle ground for their vacation plans. This alternative approach would have strengthened their ability to have healthier communication and allowed them to work together to resolve their differences.

Do you recognize contempt showing up in your relationship? Relationship counseling can help. Contact us for a free phone consultation and start the process of repairing your relationship.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Relationship Counseling + Gottman Couples Counseling

 

Criticism: The Destructive Behavior to Stop Doing in Your Marriage or Relationship

 

Criticism

In the first post in this blog series on destructive communication patterns in your marriage, we defined The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as described in the book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, by Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To understand more about each of these dysfunctional relational cycles, this second post will focus on criticism, a communication pattern that often presents itself during marriage counseling.

What is criticism?

Criticism represents a destructive communication style where one partner attacks the other's character or personality, rather than addressing a specific behavior or situation. Instead of addressing the specific behavior, one partner generalizes the other’s faults or blames the other partner.

Scenario showing criticism in a marriage

Susie and Bill were high school sweethearts and married after college. Given the length of their relationship, they have certainly had their fair share of arguments. However, lately, their disagreements have started to turn critical.

Recently, Susie expressed her frustration with Bill, after he’d forgotten their anniversary a few days earlier. When Bill walked into the kitchen to grab a snack, Susie said, “Bill, I can't believe you forgot our anniversary again. It's like you don't care about our relationship or the things that are important to me.” Hearing this, Bill immediately replied, “Oh, come on, Susie.  It's just a date on the calendar. You're always making a big deal out of nothing. You're too sensitive, and you expect me to remember every little thing.”

In this short interaction, you can see clearly that Susie's part of the conversation turned critical when she accused Bill of not caring about their relationship. In doing this, she made a global statement about his character, implying he was neglecting their bond and being inconsiderate.

The Antidote to Criticism: How to stop criticism from destroying your marriage

Dr. Gottman suggests that couples combat criticism by practicing what he calls a "softened start-up." This technique involves approaching your partner by sharing your feelings and then relating these feelings to a specific concern in a gentle and non-accusatory way.

How could this interaction have gone differently?

Instead of making general statements about Bill's character, Susie could have said, "Bill, I really felt hurt and disappointed when you forgot our anniversary the other day. I always think about our anniversary as a day to celebrate us as a couple, and that day is important to me. It would mean a lot to me if you would remember that day as a special day for us." This approach focuses on Susie’s feelings and the specific behavior of Bill’s, rather than attacking him or globalizing his behavior.

Need a little help overcoming criticism in your relationship? Marriage counseling can help. Contact us for a free phone consultation and get your marriage back on track.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Marriage Counseling, Individual Counseling for Women, & Individual Counseling for Men

 

Tips from a Therapist on Coping with Pet Loss & Grief

 

If you’ve ever had a pet, you’ve experienced how animals love us unconditionally. They know all parts of us and are our “fur babies”, which can make it so hard to process when they are sick or when they pass. In fact, research has shown losing a pet can hit harder than losing a human for some people.

Lately, I have had a handful of conversations with friends about making difficult decisions, such as having to put their dog down or their cat suddenly getting sick. They’ve described how the experiences filled them with a rush of anxiety and panic and left them wondering how to cope. Personally, I have a senior dog that is aging, and I too have explored what grief due to pet loss looks like.

Understanding your grief and loss

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, it is widely accepted in the therapist community that grief has 5 stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While they are called stages, they don’t always go in a particular order, so it’s important to honor where you are at any given moment.

The first few days may hit you the hardest. When you don’t hear their paw steps or there’s no one wagging their tail at the door to greet you, it can be difficult.

Like any time you are struggling, you want to be sure you are meeting your basic needs and that you are eating, sleeping, going to work, and meeting obligations. Around the month mark, you may want to assess if it feels more like depression than grief. In a future post, I’ll touch on the differences between grief and depression.

Find ways to process the grief and loss 

One way to process grief is through ceremony. Prior to your pet passing, give them their best moments before saying goodbye — a steak, a walk on the beach, and all the “I love you’s”. If you can, create a ceremony to celebrate their life. You can even hold a service with your community of friends. 

Take the space you need 

It is okay to take a personal day from work. In fact, some companies honor pet loss as a family loss. You can also find ways to grieve such as:

1. Find a support group or system

2. Write your pet a letter

3. Know that your grief is valid

4. Don’t compare your grief to others’

5. Honor when and if you want to have another pet join your family

6. Acknowledge that it is okay to cry and have waves hit you suddenly

7. Talk about your pet and share memories with those around you

8. Talk to a therapist

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Austin, TX Grief & Loss Therapist

 

8 Self-Compassion Exercises for Critical Self-Talk

 

In my previous post, I talked about the importance of self-compassion in coping with symptoms of depression and anxiety. In this blog post, I will follow up with 8 self-compassion exercises prepared by local Austin, TX self-compassion researcher and writer, Kristin Neff. These exercises can help you learn to shift out of critical self-talk and increase your mental health. 

Exercise 1:  Talk to Yourself Like a You Would a Loved One

If your best friend was struggling, think about how you would respond… Compare this to your own self-talk. Have you ever found that what you say to yourself is much harsher than what you would say to a friend? For example: If you were late for work, you may say to yourself, “What is wrong with you, why can’t you be on time?”  If you were talking to a friend, perhaps you would say, “That’s ok, we are all human and make mistakes.”  It’s a simple shift, but try to talk to yourself as if you were speaking to someone else. 

Exercise 2: Self-Compassion Break 

This is like a pep talk or talking yourself off the ledge. Kristen Neff suggests

1. Acknowledge it hurts, that this is a moment of pain, and that is okay.

2. Accept and be open to validation that you aren’t alone in this suffering.

3. Ask yourself what you need with an affirmation to yourself such as, “May I be gentle with myself.” Then pause.

Exercise 3: Writing

Get a journal! There is a great deal of research and science-backed data on the benefits of journaling. You can journal when you find you are hard on yourself and need to reframe your self-talk with self-compassion. You may find that you start with negative journaling, but then work to reframe your writing with forgiveness and loving kindness towards yourself. 

Exercise 4: Touch 

Touch has the powerful impact of soothing us. You can activate this by co-regulating with your pet, getting a massage, or hugging a loved one. An exercise in intentional touch activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps you regulate anxiety and return to safety in the present moment. And when we feel grounded in the moment, we are more likely to be nice to ourselves. What form of touch calms you?

Exercise 5: Reframe Your Critical Voice

Start by slowing down and being more aware of your internal self-critic. With more mindfulness and practice, this will become a habit. When you catch yourself saying something harsh to yourself, talk to yourself like a best friend and reframe it. For example, you can say, “There you go being hard on yourself. You don’t need to do that to yourself today. You did the best you could. You are safe and okay.” Less shame and “shoulds”, more your tenderness towards yourself. How can you warm your critical voice?

Exercise 6: Self-Compassion Journal

This exercise is similar to the writing exercise above, but it goes a layer deeper than the catharsis of the previous writing exercise. This self-compassion exercise prompts you to take a painful experience from your day and process using the 3 components of self-compassion:

1. Mindfulness

2. Common humanity

3. Self-kindness

This helps you learn how to see you aren’t alone in your suffering and flexes the self-compassion muscle of emotions and thoughts.

Exercise 7: Problem-Solve

Do you ever feel stuck and go down the shame spiral? If you know what you want, you can perhaps free yourself from the self-induced suffering.

1. Identify where self-criticism is your motivator - your body image, your finances?

2. Is there a kinder way you can motivate yourself? What is the most supportive thing you can say to yourself?

3. When you catch your self-criticism, pause, reframe, and be your own cheerleader.

Exercise 8: Caregiving the Caregivers

The saying goes, put your own oxygen mask on first. It is okay to set boundaries and recharge. You can say no to events and places. As you may help a child recharge, see how a nap and a soft blanket can be nourishing. Offer yourself the same opportunities to care for yourself and get cozy.

Whether you’re implementing self-compassion practices with guidance in individual counseling or on your own, exercises like these can be an important part in helping you live a healthy, fulfilling life with loving kindness towards yourself and others.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Austin, TX Individual Counseling

 

Self-Compassion: A Useful Tool to Counter Anxiety and Depression

 

When your friend goes through a breakup, do you find yourself able to reassure them that it will all be okay?

Or when they call you embarrassed over something they did, are you able to see it from a different perspective and offer love and support? 

On the other hand, when you do something embarrassing yourself, you say to yourself, “How embarrassing, what is wrong with you?” Why do you offer compassion towards others and criticism towards yourself? For many individuals, this act of self-criticizing can contribute to depression, anxiety, and many other mental health difficulties.

Fortunately, there’s something you can do to counteract your inner critic. Let’s explore the concept of self-compassion. 

Kristen Neff, associate professor in the University of Texas at Austin's department of educational psychology, has heavily researched self-compassion and the power it has to support an individual in the process of getting unstuck and steering the brain away from criticism.

Self-compassion is noticing your suffering and offering yourself compassion as you would your best friend. Self-compassion is not high self-esteem or self-pity.

Neff states, “Self-compassion involves acting the same way [you would towards others] towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”

Neff identifies 3 elements to self compassion:

  1. Self-kindness vs. self-judgment - offering self-kindness that is warm and understanding vs. self-judgment that is cold and critical

  2. Common humanity vs. isolation - recognition that suffering is a natural part of the human experience and you aren’t alone in making mistakes or feeling uncomfortable feelings

  3. Mindfulness vs. overidentification - acknowledgment and observance of your negative emotions rather than reactivity or suppression of the emotions

There are many self-compassion techniques that are similar to mindfulness techniques. Through her research, Neff found that the key is not to suppress the pain but to just be with it in acceptance. You can always start with a pressing exercise, to release the suffering and invite self-compassion. I like putting my hand over my heart and saying, “It’s okay… you are here now… you are human.”

It isn’t always easy to have compassion for yourself when you’re struggling with your mental health or experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety. In my next post, I will share 8 simple exercises you can do to practice self-compassion.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate