The Attach Phase: Creating Connection and Safety with the Gottman Method

 

Welcome to the final post in our series on the Gottman Method for affair recovery (aka, Gottman Trust Revival Method). If you’ve been following along with this series, you’re already familiar with the first two phases: Atone and Attune. These phases guide couples through the raw, painful emotions following the discovery of an affair and help them begin to understand and empathize with each other. Now, we’re moving into the third and final phase: Attach. 

Understanding the Attach Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

Attachment is about reconnecting and reestablishing emotional safety. This phase focuses on deepening your emotional bond and reigniting intimacy, both physical and emotional. It's where the focus shifts to building a relationship that can withstand future challenges, deepening the bond that may have been neglected or damaged over time. 

By the time a couple reaches the Attachment phase, they’ve already worked through the initial stages of shock and anger in the Atone phase and learned to understand what led to the affair in the Attune phase. Now, they face the ultimate challenge—rebuilding emotional and physical intimacy. This is where couples explore what it means to reconnect in a vulnerable, yet deeply loving, way.

Key Components of the Attach Phase 

  1. Rebuilding Emotional Trust 

    Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and after an affair, trust can feel shattered. In this phase, the betrayed partner begins to feel safe enough to trust again, while the partner who had the affair demonstrates reliability and emotional availability. Both partners must continue being transparent, compassionate, and honest with each other. 

    Therapeutically, this might involve exercises designed to enhance emotional safety, such as learning to express vulnerabilities and meeting each other’s emotional needs. These are crucial skills that can help prevent future betrayals and misunderstandings. 

  2. Reigniting Physical Intimacy 

    One of the most sensitive aspects of affair recovery is the re-establishment of physical intimacy. Physical connection is often tied to feelings of safety, trust, and emotional closeness, all of which have likely been severely affected by the affair. 

    In therapy, couples are encouraged to discuss their fears, desires, and boundaries openly when it comes to physical intimacy. This process can help repair the sexual bond, but it’s important to understand that for some couples, this part of the recovery may take time. The goal is to help couples feel emotionally connected again before focusing on physical closeness. 

  3. Creating Shared Meaning & Future Goals 

    Affair recovery is not just about healing from the betrayal; it’s about rebuilding a relationship that is meaningful and resilient. In the Attachment phase, couples are encouraged to create shared meaning in their relationship—identifying common goals, values, and dreams for the future. This is the time to discuss what each partner needs to feel secure and connected, as well as how to continue building a relationship that honors both partners' needs.

  4. Establishing a New Relationship Narrative 

    Part of moving forward involves redefining the story of your relationship. The affair will always be part of your shared history, but in the Attachment phase, couples work on creating a new narrative—one that acknowledges the past without being defined by it.

    Couples may need to reframe the affair in a way that allows for healing and growth rather than letting it overshadow all the positive aspects of the relationship. This narrative-building can help both partners feel that they are writing the next chapter of their story together. 

Rebuilding Attachment After Infidelity

Attachment doesn’t happen overnight, and the wounds from infidelity don’t heal on a set timeline. For many couples, the attachment phase is where true reconciliation occurs, but it requires continued commitment from both partners. Vulnerability, patience, and the willingness to explore emotional and physical connection are key to making this phase successful. 

Rebuilding attachment after an affair isn’t just about fixing what's broken—it’s about creating something new and enduring. While the road to recovery is long and complex, therapy can offer the tools, support, and guidance needed to navigate this difficult journey.

Contact us today to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and set up a couples therapy appointment to begin healing your relationship.

 

The Attune Phase: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity with the Gottman Method

 

In the first post of this series on the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy affair recovery model—also referred to as the Gottman Trust Revival Method—I delved into the essence of this transformative approach created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Designed to guide couples through the deep emotional pain of infidelity, this structured model offers a pathway to healing and rebuilding trust.

In the second blog post in this series, we delved into the first phase in couples therapy for affair recovery: Atonement. This is a crucial phase where the couple begins to address the initial shock and emotional trauma of the affair. It involves acknowledging the betrayal, expressing genuine remorse, and allowing space for the hurt partner to express their pain. As challenging as this phase can be, it's a necessary foundation for the healing journey ahead. 

In this post, we move into the second phase: Attunement. This phase is about rebuilding the emotional connection between partnerss well as learning to understand each other deeply, listening with empathy, and validating feelings without defensiveness or dismissiveness. This phase is where the true rebuilding of trust and intimacy begins. 

Understanding the Attune Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

The Attunement phase is about rebuilding emotional trust and understanding between partners. After the initial phase of "Atonement," where the betrayed partner's pain and anger are acknowledged and validated, Phase 2 shifts the focus to fostering empathy, open communication, and emotional connection. This phase is not just about talking through the infidelity or affair but truly understanding each other's feelings and experiences at a deeper level. 

Key Components of the Attune Phase 

  1. Deep Conversations: During this phase, couples are guided to have meaningful conversations about their relationship, including what led to the infidelity and the impact it had on both partners. These conversations are designed to help the couple understand not just the surface-level details but the underlying emotional needs that were unmet.

  2. Building a Culture of Appreciation: The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of fostering positive interactions and building a culture of appreciation and respect. This involves recognizing and verbalizing the things each partner values in the other, which can help to rebuild the couple's emotional intimacy.

  3. Learning to Self-Soothe: Part of the healing process involves learning how to manage one's own emotions and self-soothe during difficult conversations. This skill is essential for avoiding emotional flooding, which at times may lead to defensive behavior and further conflict.

  4. Practicing Effective Conflict Management: The attunement phase also includes learning how to manage conflicts constructively. This means addressing issues in a way that promotes understanding and resolution rather than escalating tension.

Common Challenges in the Attunement Phase 

While this phase is crucial for healing, it’s not without its challenges. It’s normal for couples to feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions involved. Here are a few common hurdles that might occur during the attunement phase: 

  1. Fear of Reopening Wounds: Many couples fear that discussing the infidelity in-depth will only reopen wounds. However, not talking about it can prevent healing. Therapy provides a structured environment where these conversations can happen safely.

  2. Difficulty in Understanding Each Other: Sometimes, one partner might struggle to understand the other’s feelings or perspective. This is where guided exercises and therapeutic techniques can help foster empathy and understanding.

  3. Temptation to Rush the Process: The healing process cannot be rushed. It’s important for both partners to move at a pace that feels right for them. Trying to push through this phase too quickly can lead to unresolved issues resurfacing later.

Moving Forward Together: Infidelity & Affair Recovery 

Attunement is a pivotal phase in the Gottman Method for affair recovery. It’s where couples often start to turn towards each other again, rebuilding their emotional connection and trust. If you’re considering therapy for infidelity or affair recovery, know that this phase is a journey—one that requires patience, effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable. But it’s also a journey that can lead to profound healing and a stronger, more resilient relationship.

Reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and schedule a couples therapy appointment to get on your way toward healing your relationship.

 

The Atone Phase: The Essential First Step in Affair Recovery in the Gottman Method

 

In my first post in this series regarding the Gottman Method Couples Therapy affair recovery model (aka, Gottman Trust Revival Method), I discussed an overview of this structured approach, designed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman to help couples heal from the deep wounds inflicted by infidelity. In this second blog post in this series, I will delve into the first crucial couples therapy for affair recovery phase: Atone. Infidelity is a profound breach of trust, often leaving the betrayed partner feeling shattered and the unfaithful partner engulfed in guilt and shame. The Atone phase is designed to address these intense emotions, setting the stage for genuine healing and reconciliation. Let’s explore what this phase entails and why it’s essential for your journey towards recovery. 

Understanding the Atone Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

The Atone phase is all about addressing the immediate emotional fallout of the affair. This phase is critical as it sets the foundation for the healing process. Here’s what you can expect in this phase:

Key Components of the Atone Phase 

  1. Acknowledgment and Responsibility: The first step in atonement is for the unfaithful partner to fully acknowledge the affair and take responsibility for their actions. This means no excuses, no blame-shifting, and no minimizing the impact of the betrayal. Genuine acknowledgment shows the betrayed partner that their pain is seen and validated. 

  2. Expressing Remorse and Apology: A heartfelt apology goes beyond simply saying “I’m sorry.” It involves expressing genuine remorse and understanding the depth of the hurt caused. This includes acknowledging specific ways the affair has affected the betrayed partner emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically. 

  3. Open and Honest Communication: Transparency is crucial in this phase. The unfaithful partner must be willing to answer questions and provide details about the affair to help the betrayed partner make sense of what happened. This can be an incredibly painful process but is necessary for rebuilding trust. 

  4. Empathy and Understanding: Empathy involves truly listening to the betrayed partner’s feelings and showing a deep understanding of their pain. It’s important for the unfaithful partner to recognize and validate these feelings without becoming defensive or dismissive. 

  5. Setting Boundaries and Creating Safety: To begin rebuilding trust, both partners must agree on clear boundaries and actions to ensure the affair is truly over and will not happen again. This might include transparency with phones and social media, regular check-ins, and agreeing to avoid situations that might lead to temptation. 

The Role of the Betrayed Partner 

While the primary focus of the Atone phase is on the actions of the unfaithful partner, the betrayed partner also has a crucial role. It’s important to express your feelings and needs clearly, ask questions, and seek the reassurance necessary for your healing. However, it’s equally vital to recognize that immediate forgiveness is not a requirement at this stage. Healing takes time, and the atone phase is just the beginning. 

The atone phase is a challenging yet vital part of the affair recovery journey. It requires immense courage and vulnerability from both partners. By fully engaging in this phase, you lay the groundwork for the subsequent phases: Attune and Attach, where deeper emotional healing and reconnection will occur. 

If you’re considering starting couples therapy for affair recovery, know that you’re taking a brave step toward healing. The road may feel long and tough, but with the right guidance and commitment, affair recovery and even a renewed relationship are possible. Reach out to me today to schedule a free phone consultation and get started on your healing journey.

 

The Three Phases of Affair Recovery in the Gottman Method

 

Infidelity can feel like a betrayal like no other, leaving both partners in a relationship reeling with pain, confusion, and distrust. As a couples therapist, I've seen the devastation and the pain that an affair can cause, but I've also witnessed the remarkable resilience and healing that can emerge from these impossible hard times. The Gottman Method, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, offers a structured and compassionate approach to navigating affair recovery. In this Intro post to this blog series, I'll state the three phases of affair recovery according to the Gottman Method, providing you with key components of what is explored and addressed in each of the different phases of affair recovery.

Phase 1: Atonement

Understanding the Wound

The first phase of affair recovery is Atonement, where the primary focus is on understanding and addressing the profound wound caused by the affair. During this phase, the unfaithful partner must take full responsibility for their actions, express genuine remorse, and work to rebuild trust. Here are some key components of this phase:

  • Honesty and Transparency: The unfaithful partner needs to be completely honest about the affair, answering any questions their partner may have. Transparency about past actions and current behaviors is crucial in rebuilding trust.

  • Validation of Pain: The betrayed partner's feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal must be validated. It's essential for the unfaithful partner to listen empathetically and acknowledge the depth of the pain they've caused.

  • Expressing Remorse: Sincere apologies and expressions of regret are vital. The unfaithful partner should show through words and actions that they understand the gravity of their betrayal and are committed to making amends.

During this phase, couples may often experience intense emotions and difficult conversations. As a couples therapist, my role is to facilitate these conversations, ensuring both partners feel heard and understood.

Phase 2: Attunement

Rebuilding Connection

Once the initial pain has been addressed and the unfaithful partner has taken responsibility, the couple can move into the Attunement phase. This phase focuses on rebuilding emotional connection and intimacy. Here are some factors that could be addressed during this phase:

  • Open Communication: Couples learn to communicate more effectively, expressing their needs, fears, and desires without blame or defensiveness. This helps in re-establishing a sense of safety and closeness.

  • Emotional Attunement: Partners work on becoming more attuned to each other’s emotional states. This involves recognizing and responding to each other’s emotional cues, fostering a deeper emotional bond.

  • Conflict Resolution: Learning healthy ways to handle conflicts is crucial. The Gottman Method emphasizes techniques such as gentle start-ups, accepting influence, and making effective repairs after disagreements.

  • Rebuilding Trust: Trust is rebuilt through consistent, trustworthy behavior. The partner who had the affair needs to be transparent and reliable, while the betrayed partner works on slowly opening up to trust again.

During the Attunement phase, couples often begin to see glimpses of hope and start to reconnect on an emotional level. It's a time of gradual healing, where the relationship starts to feel safer and more supportive.

Phase 3: Attachment

Creating a New Future Together

The final phase of affair recovery is Attachment, where the couple focuses on strengthening their bond and building a new, healthier relationship. This phase involves:

  • Shared Goals and Dreams: Couples explore their hopes and dreams for the future, setting shared goals that give their relationship direction and purpose.

  • Rituals of Connection: Establishing new rituals for connection helps maintain the bond. This can include regular date nights, shared hobbies, or daily check-ins to stay emotionally connected.

  • Continued Growth: Affair recovery is an ongoing process. Couples commit to continuous growth, both individually and as a couple, seeking to improve their relationship dynamics and maintain their connection.

In this last phase, couples often find a renewed sense of partnership and commitment. They have moved beyond the pain of the affair and are now focused on building a future together, fortified by the hard work they’ve done to repair their relationship.

Recovering from an affair is undeniably challenging, but it is possible. The Gottman Method provides a structured and compassionate approach to help couples navigate this journey. Each phase of recovery—atonement, attunement, and attachment—plays a crucial role in rebuilding trust, deepening connection, and creating a resilient and fulfilling relationship.

 

5 Reasons Couples Begin Couples Therapy

 

Considering the idea of couples therapy or marriage counseling to help navigate through the difficulties of your relationship may stir up feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. However, it's important to recognize that couples therapy is not a sign that your relationship or marriage is in trouble or on its way to failure. Instead, it can be a powerful tool for growth, understanding, and building a stronger foundation for your relationship. In this blog post, we'll explore reasons why couples might consider beginning couples therapy and how it can be beneficial for relationships.

1. Gain better communication skills 

One of the most common reasons couples might begin couples therapy is to address communication challenges. Many couples find themselves struggling with how to communicate with their partner in a beneficial way. Couples therapy is a great resource when exploring an issue like communication. A couples therapist can provide a neutral and supportive space for couples to learn effective communication strategies, express their needs, and better understand one another. 

2. Conflict resolution 

Every relationship encounters conflicts, but when disagreements becomerepetitive or escalate into frequent arguments, it can significantly impact arelationship and the bond between partners. Couples therapy equips coupleswith tools to navigate disagreements in a more constructive way. Couplestherapists often guide couples through conflict resolution techniques that promotehaving a better understanding of one another and finding beneficial and effectivesolutions to conflict.

3. Increase intimacy & build a deeper emotional connection

Another reason couples might begin couples therapy is to build a deeper connection with one another. As relationships evolve, couples might find themselves feeling disconnected or lacking emotional intimacy. Couples therapy is a great way for couples to explore these challenges and help couples reconnect. 

4. Navigate life transitions & stressors 

A couple might look into beginning couples therapy when undergoing a life transition. Life is full of transitions, from job changes to moving to welcoming a newborn to becoming empty nesters. These changes can add stress to a relationship. Couples therapy provides a supportive environment to navigate these challenges, offering coping strategies and helping couples adapt to their new circumstances. 

5. Direction after a breach of trust 

Trust is one of the most important components in any relationship, and when it's broken, rebuilding it can be a complex and delicate process. Whether it's infidelity or another kind of breach of trust, such as lies or betrayal, these things can destroy trust, often leaving couples feeling shattered and uncertain about the future. Couples therapy offers a structured environment for rebuilding and repairing the trust that has been broken. Couples therapists can guide couples through the process of forgiveness, healing, and establishing new patterns of trust.

Choosing to begin couples therapy is a courageous first step toward growth and healing. It requires vulnerability, commitment, and a willingness to explore the dynamics of your relationship. Whether you're facing communication challenges, conflicts, intimacy issues, life transitions, or trust issues, seeking help from a couples therapist can help provide couples with the tools and insights needed for growth and positive transformation.

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling + Individual Counseling

 

4 Myths About Couples Therapy for Affair Recovery

 

Affairs can be devastating to a relationship, shaking the foundation on which a couple has built. The aftermath of an affair is often filled with emotional turmoil, mistrust, and a sense of betrayal. Considering addressing the aftermath of an affair in couples therapy can feel very daunting. As a couples therapist, I often encounter couples who harbor fears about seeking help for the aftermath of an affair. In this blog post, my hope is to dispute common myths surrounding infidelity in couples therapy and provide reassurance and guidance for those thinking about couples therapy for affair recovery or infidelity recovery.

Myth #1: The Role of the Couples Therapist In Affair Recovery Is To Assign Blame

One myth, and a significant fear for many couples, is that the role of the couples therapist will focus on assigning blame to one partner. Couples therapists work towards fostering open communication and facilitating a deeper understanding of each partner's needs and concerns. Blaming one partner for the affair would be very unhelpful and could potentially harm the therapeutic process. Both individuals play a role in the healing process, and couples therapy aims to create a supportive environment for both partners to express themselves.

Myth #2: Seeking Couples Therapy For Affair Recovery Should Only Be A Last Resort 

Only utilizing couples therapy as a last resort is a misconception. Oftentimes, couples feel that their only option is to get through the aftermath of an affair alone, which can cause even more added stress to a very delicate and challenging situation. Seeking couples therapy early on after infidelity or an affair is discovered can help the couple feel supported and that they do not have to navigate this alone. Therapists are equipped with the skills and tools to guide couples through the challenges of affair recovery - rebuilding trust, fostering communication, and repairing the relationship after an affair happens.

Myth #3: The Role Of A Couples Therapist In Affair Recovery Is To Only Focus On The Partner Who Was Involved In An Affair 

Some couples may fear that therapy will solely focus on the partner who had the affair. In reality, effective couples therapy for affair recovery involves addressing the needs and emotions of both partners. Couples therapists strive to create a balanced approach, ensuring that each individual's experiences are acknowledged and that each partner feels heard and validated through this process.

Myth #4: Couples Will Be Able To See Immediate Resolution With Just A Few Sessions 

Expecting to see an immediate resolution is another misconception about couples therapy for affair recovery. Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a gradual process that requires time, patience, and commitment from both partners. Therapy provides a structured and supportive environment, but it does not offer a quick fix. Couples should be prepared to invest time and effort when working towards infidelity recovery or affair recovery.

Infidelity is undoubtedly a delicate and challenging topic for couples to navigate. However, addressing these myths about affair recovery in couples therapy can help alleviate fears and encourage couples to seek the support they need when thinking about seeking couples therapy for affair recovery.

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy for Affair Recovery and Individual Counseling