The Attach Phase: Creating Connection and Safety with the Gottman Method

 

Welcome to the final post in our series on the Gottman Method for affair recovery (aka, Gottman Trust Revival Method). If you’ve been following along with this series, you’re already familiar with the first two phases: Atone and Attune. These phases guide couples through the raw, painful emotions following the discovery of an affair and help them begin to understand and empathize with each other. Now, we’re moving into the third and final phase: Attach. 

Understanding the Attach Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

Attachment is about reconnecting and reestablishing emotional safety. This phase focuses on deepening your emotional bond and reigniting intimacy, both physical and emotional. It's where the focus shifts to building a relationship that can withstand future challenges, deepening the bond that may have been neglected or damaged over time. 

By the time a couple reaches the Attachment phase, they’ve already worked through the initial stages of shock and anger in the Atone phase and learned to understand what led to the affair in the Attune phase. Now, they face the ultimate challenge—rebuilding emotional and physical intimacy. This is where couples explore what it means to reconnect in a vulnerable, yet deeply loving, way.

Key Components of the Attach Phase 

  1. Rebuilding Emotional Trust 

    Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and after an affair, trust can feel shattered. In this phase, the betrayed partner begins to feel safe enough to trust again, while the partner who had the affair demonstrates reliability and emotional availability. Both partners must continue being transparent, compassionate, and honest with each other. 

    Therapeutically, this might involve exercises designed to enhance emotional safety, such as learning to express vulnerabilities and meeting each other’s emotional needs. These are crucial skills that can help prevent future betrayals and misunderstandings. 

  2. Reigniting Physical Intimacy 

    One of the most sensitive aspects of affair recovery is the re-establishment of physical intimacy. Physical connection is often tied to feelings of safety, trust, and emotional closeness, all of which have likely been severely affected by the affair. 

    In therapy, couples are encouraged to discuss their fears, desires, and boundaries openly when it comes to physical intimacy. This process can help repair the sexual bond, but it’s important to understand that for some couples, this part of the recovery may take time. The goal is to help couples feel emotionally connected again before focusing on physical closeness. 

  3. Creating Shared Meaning & Future Goals 

    Affair recovery is not just about healing from the betrayal; it’s about rebuilding a relationship that is meaningful and resilient. In the Attachment phase, couples are encouraged to create shared meaning in their relationship—identifying common goals, values, and dreams for the future. This is the time to discuss what each partner needs to feel secure and connected, as well as how to continue building a relationship that honors both partners' needs.

  4. Establishing a New Relationship Narrative 

    Part of moving forward involves redefining the story of your relationship. The affair will always be part of your shared history, but in the Attachment phase, couples work on creating a new narrative—one that acknowledges the past without being defined by it.

    Couples may need to reframe the affair in a way that allows for healing and growth rather than letting it overshadow all the positive aspects of the relationship. This narrative-building can help both partners feel that they are writing the next chapter of their story together. 

Rebuilding Attachment After Infidelity

Attachment doesn’t happen overnight, and the wounds from infidelity don’t heal on a set timeline. For many couples, the attachment phase is where true reconciliation occurs, but it requires continued commitment from both partners. Vulnerability, patience, and the willingness to explore emotional and physical connection are key to making this phase successful. 

Rebuilding attachment after an affair isn’t just about fixing what's broken—it’s about creating something new and enduring. While the road to recovery is long and complex, therapy can offer the tools, support, and guidance needed to navigate this difficult journey.

Contact us today to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and set up a couples therapy appointment to begin healing your relationship.

 

The Attune Phase: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity with the Gottman Method

 

In the first post of this series on the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy affair recovery model—also referred to as the Gottman Trust Revival Method—I delved into the essence of this transformative approach created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Designed to guide couples through the deep emotional pain of infidelity, this structured model offers a pathway to healing and rebuilding trust.

In the second blog post in this series, we delved into the first phase in couples therapy for affair recovery: Atonement. This is a crucial phase where the couple begins to address the initial shock and emotional trauma of the affair. It involves acknowledging the betrayal, expressing genuine remorse, and allowing space for the hurt partner to express their pain. As challenging as this phase can be, it's a necessary foundation for the healing journey ahead. 

In this post, we move into the second phase: Attunement. This phase is about rebuilding the emotional connection between partnerss well as learning to understand each other deeply, listening with empathy, and validating feelings without defensiveness or dismissiveness. This phase is where the true rebuilding of trust and intimacy begins. 

Understanding the Attune Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

The Attunement phase is about rebuilding emotional trust and understanding between partners. After the initial phase of "Atonement," where the betrayed partner's pain and anger are acknowledged and validated, Phase 2 shifts the focus to fostering empathy, open communication, and emotional connection. This phase is not just about talking through the infidelity or affair but truly understanding each other's feelings and experiences at a deeper level. 

Key Components of the Attune Phase 

  1. Deep Conversations: During this phase, couples are guided to have meaningful conversations about their relationship, including what led to the infidelity and the impact it had on both partners. These conversations are designed to help the couple understand not just the surface-level details but the underlying emotional needs that were unmet.

  2. Building a Culture of Appreciation: The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of fostering positive interactions and building a culture of appreciation and respect. This involves recognizing and verbalizing the things each partner values in the other, which can help to rebuild the couple's emotional intimacy.

  3. Learning to Self-Soothe: Part of the healing process involves learning how to manage one's own emotions and self-soothe during difficult conversations. This skill is essential for avoiding emotional flooding, which at times may lead to defensive behavior and further conflict.

  4. Practicing Effective Conflict Management: The attunement phase also includes learning how to manage conflicts constructively. This means addressing issues in a way that promotes understanding and resolution rather than escalating tension.

Common Challenges in the Attunement Phase 

While this phase is crucial for healing, it’s not without its challenges. It’s normal for couples to feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions involved. Here are a few common hurdles that might occur during the attunement phase: 

  1. Fear of Reopening Wounds: Many couples fear that discussing the infidelity in-depth will only reopen wounds. However, not talking about it can prevent healing. Therapy provides a structured environment where these conversations can happen safely.

  2. Difficulty in Understanding Each Other: Sometimes, one partner might struggle to understand the other’s feelings or perspective. This is where guided exercises and therapeutic techniques can help foster empathy and understanding.

  3. Temptation to Rush the Process: The healing process cannot be rushed. It’s important for both partners to move at a pace that feels right for them. Trying to push through this phase too quickly can lead to unresolved issues resurfacing later.

Moving Forward Together: Infidelity & Affair Recovery 

Attunement is a pivotal phase in the Gottman Method for affair recovery. It’s where couples often start to turn towards each other again, rebuilding their emotional connection and trust. If you’re considering therapy for infidelity or affair recovery, know that this phase is a journey—one that requires patience, effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable. But it’s also a journey that can lead to profound healing and a stronger, more resilient relationship.

Reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and schedule a couples therapy appointment to get on your way toward healing your relationship.

 

The Atone Phase: The Essential First Step in Affair Recovery in the Gottman Method

 

In my first post in this series regarding the Gottman Method Couples Therapy affair recovery model (aka, Gottman Trust Revival Method), I discussed an overview of this structured approach, designed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman to help couples heal from the deep wounds inflicted by infidelity. In this second blog post in this series, I will delve into the first crucial couples therapy for affair recovery phase: Atone. Infidelity is a profound breach of trust, often leaving the betrayed partner feeling shattered and the unfaithful partner engulfed in guilt and shame. The Atone phase is designed to address these intense emotions, setting the stage for genuine healing and reconciliation. Let’s explore what this phase entails and why it’s essential for your journey towards recovery. 

Understanding the Atone Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

The Atone phase is all about addressing the immediate emotional fallout of the affair. This phase is critical as it sets the foundation for the healing process. Here’s what you can expect in this phase:

Key Components of the Atone Phase 

  1. Acknowledgment and Responsibility: The first step in atonement is for the unfaithful partner to fully acknowledge the affair and take responsibility for their actions. This means no excuses, no blame-shifting, and no minimizing the impact of the betrayal. Genuine acknowledgment shows the betrayed partner that their pain is seen and validated. 

  2. Expressing Remorse and Apology: A heartfelt apology goes beyond simply saying “I’m sorry.” It involves expressing genuine remorse and understanding the depth of the hurt caused. This includes acknowledging specific ways the affair has affected the betrayed partner emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically. 

  3. Open and Honest Communication: Transparency is crucial in this phase. The unfaithful partner must be willing to answer questions and provide details about the affair to help the betrayed partner make sense of what happened. This can be an incredibly painful process but is necessary for rebuilding trust. 

  4. Empathy and Understanding: Empathy involves truly listening to the betrayed partner’s feelings and showing a deep understanding of their pain. It’s important for the unfaithful partner to recognize and validate these feelings without becoming defensive or dismissive. 

  5. Setting Boundaries and Creating Safety: To begin rebuilding trust, both partners must agree on clear boundaries and actions to ensure the affair is truly over and will not happen again. This might include transparency with phones and social media, regular check-ins, and agreeing to avoid situations that might lead to temptation. 

The Role of the Betrayed Partner 

While the primary focus of the Atone phase is on the actions of the unfaithful partner, the betrayed partner also has a crucial role. It’s important to express your feelings and needs clearly, ask questions, and seek the reassurance necessary for your healing. However, it’s equally vital to recognize that immediate forgiveness is not a requirement at this stage. Healing takes time, and the atone phase is just the beginning. 

The atone phase is a challenging yet vital part of the affair recovery journey. It requires immense courage and vulnerability from both partners. By fully engaging in this phase, you lay the groundwork for the subsequent phases: Attune and Attach, where deeper emotional healing and reconnection will occur. 

If you’re considering starting couples therapy for affair recovery, know that you’re taking a brave step toward healing. The road may feel long and tough, but with the right guidance and commitment, affair recovery and even a renewed relationship are possible. Reach out to me today to schedule a free phone consultation and get started on your healing journey.

 

The Three Phases of Affair Recovery in the Gottman Method

 

Infidelity can feel like a betrayal like no other, leaving both partners in a relationship reeling with pain, confusion, and distrust. As a couples therapist, I've seen the devastation and the pain that an affair can cause, but I've also witnessed the remarkable resilience and healing that can emerge from these impossible hard times. The Gottman Method, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, offers a structured and compassionate approach to navigating affair recovery. In this Intro post to this blog series, I'll state the three phases of affair recovery according to the Gottman Method, providing you with key components of what is explored and addressed in each of the different phases of affair recovery.

Phase 1: Atonement

Understanding the Wound

The first phase of affair recovery is Atonement, where the primary focus is on understanding and addressing the profound wound caused by the affair. During this phase, the unfaithful partner must take full responsibility for their actions, express genuine remorse, and work to rebuild trust. Here are some key components of this phase:

  • Honesty and Transparency: The unfaithful partner needs to be completely honest about the affair, answering any questions their partner may have. Transparency about past actions and current behaviors is crucial in rebuilding trust.

  • Validation of Pain: The betrayed partner's feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal must be validated. It's essential for the unfaithful partner to listen empathetically and acknowledge the depth of the pain they've caused.

  • Expressing Remorse: Sincere apologies and expressions of regret are vital. The unfaithful partner should show through words and actions that they understand the gravity of their betrayal and are committed to making amends.

During this phase, couples may often experience intense emotions and difficult conversations. As a couples therapist, my role is to facilitate these conversations, ensuring both partners feel heard and understood.

Phase 2: Attunement

Rebuilding Connection

Once the initial pain has been addressed and the unfaithful partner has taken responsibility, the couple can move into the Attunement phase. This phase focuses on rebuilding emotional connection and intimacy. Here are some factors that could be addressed during this phase:

  • Open Communication: Couples learn to communicate more effectively, expressing their needs, fears, and desires without blame or defensiveness. This helps in re-establishing a sense of safety and closeness.

  • Emotional Attunement: Partners work on becoming more attuned to each other’s emotional states. This involves recognizing and responding to each other’s emotional cues, fostering a deeper emotional bond.

  • Conflict Resolution: Learning healthy ways to handle conflicts is crucial. The Gottman Method emphasizes techniques such as gentle start-ups, accepting influence, and making effective repairs after disagreements.

  • Rebuilding Trust: Trust is rebuilt through consistent, trustworthy behavior. The partner who had the affair needs to be transparent and reliable, while the betrayed partner works on slowly opening up to trust again.

During the Attunement phase, couples often begin to see glimpses of hope and start to reconnect on an emotional level. It's a time of gradual healing, where the relationship starts to feel safer and more supportive.

Phase 3: Attachment

Creating a New Future Together

The final phase of affair recovery is Attachment, where the couple focuses on strengthening their bond and building a new, healthier relationship. This phase involves:

  • Shared Goals and Dreams: Couples explore their hopes and dreams for the future, setting shared goals that give their relationship direction and purpose.

  • Rituals of Connection: Establishing new rituals for connection helps maintain the bond. This can include regular date nights, shared hobbies, or daily check-ins to stay emotionally connected.

  • Continued Growth: Affair recovery is an ongoing process. Couples commit to continuous growth, both individually and as a couple, seeking to improve their relationship dynamics and maintain their connection.

In this last phase, couples often find a renewed sense of partnership and commitment. They have moved beyond the pain of the affair and are now focused on building a future together, fortified by the hard work they’ve done to repair their relationship.

Recovering from an affair is undeniably challenging, but it is possible. The Gottman Method provides a structured and compassionate approach to help couples navigate this journey. Each phase of recovery—atonement, attunement, and attachment—plays a crucial role in rebuilding trust, deepening connection, and creating a resilient and fulfilling relationship.

 

Meet Austin Couples Therapist Emily Ilseng

 

Tell us a little about who you are and your background as a couples therapist…

Hi there! My name is Emily Ilseng, and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) Associate and couples therapist based in Austin, Texas. Since I started counseling, I have worked with a variety of individuals, couples, teens, and families. I am trained in Prepare/Enrich, which I utilize in premarital therapy with couples, and I also use Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

Why did you choose to become a couples therapist?

Learning about psychology, relationship dynamics, and having an understanding of a person’s personality has always fascinated me, and it is what initially sparked my desire to be a therapist. Growing up, I always wanted to be at a job that revolved around working with others and helping others. Therapy as a profession felt like a great way to help and support others in a personal manner. Another reason why I chose to become a therapist is because I know what it feels like to feel misunderstood and just want to feel seen and heard. As a therapist, I now have the privilege and opportunity to provide a safe space to allow clients to feel heard and seen, as well as explore their emotions and whatever challenges life might be throwing at them.

Where did you get your counseling education?

I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Texas Tech University. I have a Master of Arts in Counseling with a concentration in Marriage, Couples, and Family Therapy from St. Edward's University here in Austin.

What types of therapy clients do you like to work with?

In individual therapy, I love to work with those who might be experiencing perfectionism or are wanting to understand their own relationships or family dynamics. I specialize in couples therapy for those who are longing for a deeper connection with their partner or are wanting to repair their relationship after a betrayal. The reason I love working with these types of individuals or couples has to do with my own personal experience of wanting a deeper understanding of my own relationships and family dynamics. I have a passion for learning about relationships, and I want to help support others who are wanting to gain a better understanding of themselves or their relationship dynamics.

What do you enjoy outside of therapy?

Outside of the therapy room, I like to read my Kindle. My favorite genre right now is psychological thrillers, specifically those written by Freida McFadden! I also enjoy watching college football with friends, and in the fall, I love attending games. My favorite teams to watch are my Texas Tech Red Raiders, of course! A close second favorite is Texas Christian University— Go Frogs! I also love going to spin classes, going for walks on the trail, and playing golf when the weather is nice.

If you resonate with Emily and you’re ready to take the next step, reach out to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation. 

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy and Individual Counseling

 

Secure Attachment Style in Relationships

 

Relationship Scenario: You call your partner, and they don’t answer. 

Someone with an anxious attachment style might say: “Did I do something wrong? When will they call me back?”

Someone with an avoidant attachment style says: ”If they’re rejecting my call, I will ignore them when they call back.”

Someone with a secure attachment style might say: “Hmm, they must be busy. I will get back to work and look forward to hearing from them.” - or - “I will just text them - Call me when you’re free. It is not an emergency. I just have a question about dinner.”

Secure Attachment Style

Secure attachment is the healthiest attachment style. It is grounded, mature, and wise. Those with secure attachment have a healthy sense of self-worth, acceptance, and vulnerability. Those with secure attachment manage emotions and communication in the clearest way, leaving less of a push-pull in their relationships. 

In my previous two posts on attachment styles, we explored anxious attachment and avoidant attachment styles. In this blog post, we will touch on what it means to have a secure attachment style, as well as how a secure attachment style is developed as a child and then shows up as an adult.

Attachment styles are four behavioral archetypes based on attachment theory and research. Research suggests that secure attachment style is the most common type of attachment style in our society. Around 66% of the nation’s population is estimated to have a secure attachment style.

How does Secure Attachment Style Develop?

A child’s experience of responsiveness and attunement from caregivers impacts how they experience the world and relationships later in life. As children, those with a secure attachment style likely had their caregiver attend to them when they had physical cues such as crying. As a baby, they trusted their caregiver would be there for them. Trust is the anchor of secure attachment style. These individuals also had a stronger ability to self-soothe, as well as the ability not to let emotions drive their behavior.

Children develop secure attachment by having their needs met, feeling supported, having a sense of belonging, and feeling safe, trusted, seen, and heard while also being able to be on their own and test the world, knowing they can return safely. An example of a child with secure attachment would be - a child having their parent within view while still having autonomy and playing independently.

Secure Attachment in Adult Relationships

In adulthood, a secure attachment style is typically characterized as feeling comfortable in intimate relationships, balancing thinking emotionally and logically with a sense that, no matter what, you’ll be okay. People with a secure attachment style are generally able to communicate their needs and feelings effectively. It is the ability to self-soothe and regulate the nervous system, plus knowing, liking, and trusting all parts of yourself.

An adult with secure attachment:

  1. Knows how to regulate their emotions and understands their feelings 

  2. Has autonomy and the ability to navigate the world independently 

  3. Is open, connected, and trusting of others

  4. Is clear on who they are and what their purpose is

  5. Can communicate clearly 

  6. Strives to live a meaningful life

  7. Can ask for support from others and also lend support to others

  8. Is balanced with togetherness and separateness

  9. Is comfortable alone

  10. Is able to be reflective and observant of how they participate and contribute to the relationship

The good news is you can change your attachment style. Even if you didn’t have all these things growing up, you can work on shifting your attachment style and becoming securely attached in your adult relationships.

How to move from anxious or avoidant attachment styles to secure attachment style: 

  1. Learn to self soothe 

  2. Learn to regulate emotions and your nervous system

  3. Express primary vulnerable emotions

  4. Go to individual therapy 

  5. Take time to be self-compassionate and mindful

  6. Be around those that feel safe in a relationship and feel capable and comfortable being transparent

  7. Attend relationship therapy or couples therapy with your partner to practice healthy communication

  8. Set healthy boundaries

Developing a secure attachment style can lead to even more fulfilling and satisfying relationships, along with greater emotional well-being. So don't hesitate to work towards this goal - your future self will thank you! If you would like to work on developing a secure attachment style in your relationships, reach out to us to book an individual therapy, relationship therapy, or couples therapy session. 

 

9 Cognitive Distortions That Influence Negative Thinking

 

Do you recall a time when you were driving, a song came on, and as a result, you felt a certain emotion or had a specific memory? Then what happened? Did you feel sad and cry, or maybe you got mad and got upset? Then what did you do? Did you text your ex because the song made you think of them or honk at a car around you because you were mad?

Sometimes, do you feel like these experiences are out of your control? Our thoughts impact our emotions, which influence our behavior. This concept is the foundation of a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, also known as CBT.

The premise of CBT is about how what we feel, what we think, and how we act impact one another.

Let’s take another example - you go on Instagram, see someone posted a picture on vacation with their new girlfriend, and you then think, “I will die alone.”

This is an example of what we call a cognitive distortion - a thought pattern or belief that is exaggerated, irrational, or inaccurate. Sometimes we create cognitive distortions from thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

CBT therapy helps you process your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to be more present. One way to do this is by working with cognitive distortions.

Examples of cognitive distortions:

  1. Black and white thinking - you have an all-or-nothing mentality

    Example: “I didn’t do the dishes. I am lazy, and I am a failure.”

  2. Catastrophizing - you go to the extreme, worst-case scenario 

    Example: “I will not pass the exam, and it will be a bad experience.”

  3. Discounting - you feel unworthy and discount an experience, justifying the unworthiness

    Example: “I only passed because I got lucky.”

  4. Emotional reasoning - you rationalize your feeling

    Example: “I feel sad, so something must be wrong with my career.”

  5. Labeling  - you label yourself as something negative 

    Example: “I am broken.”

  6. Should statements - you guilt or shame yourself for what you think you are supposed to do

    Example: “I should fold the laundry right now, even though I am exhausted.” 

  7. Blaming - you blame someone or something else

    Example: “It is my mom's fault for being like this.” 

  8. Overgeneralizing  - you generalize an experience

    Example: “I had bad luck last time I tried this. I will never get it right.”

  9. Mind reading - assuming what someone else is thinking

    Example: “I know he doesn’t like me.”

Cognitive distortions can impact how we feel about ourselves, go about our day, and impact our overall well-being. With CBT strategies, we can become more aware and train ourselves to be aware of these thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors to improve our quality of life.

Here are a few CBT strategies:

Cognitive Restructuring

This strategy is about identifying and reframing cognitive distortions with a better outlook.

For example, you recognize when tell yourself that you are lazy because you should have been more productive (an example of a should statement and an overgeneralization). You can use the strategy of cognitive restructuring to reframe and consciously remember all the times you have been productive, then instead tell yourself that maybe you need rest right now.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is one of the best ways to be present. Mindfulness practices include breathing, meditation, journaling, and moving your body. The key is to purposefully engage in and focus on an experience without any evaluation or judgement. With a mindfulness practice, you become more aware of your thoughts, befriend them, and are able to just be with them.  You can bring the subconscious to consciousness. You can respond versus react to your thoughts. By tuning into yourself, you can intentionally replace your cognitive distortions with cognitive restructuring.

Other CBT strategies include exposure therapy, self-compassion, behavioral activation, and skill training.

Realizing that some of these cognitive distortions are ones you use at times? Reach out to Sarah for support in recognizing and working with cognitive distortions in individual CBT therapy.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships

 

In my previous post, I wrote about attachment theory, attachment styles, and specifically, anxious attachment style. In this post, we’ll explore another type of attachment style — avoidant attachment style.

Avoidant Attachment Style

People with an avoidant attachment style are generally more distant or dismissive of closeness and intimate relationships. Oftentimes, these individuals did not receive the closeness they were perhaps craving as a child. Their need to express emotions and connectedness was met with disapproval. Those with an avoidant attachment style perhaps had more closed-off, emotionally unavailable, or stern parents. With this, as adults, those with an avoidant attachment style can be very independent and self-sufficient and appear confident. These individuals may fear too much closeness and come off as dismissive.

Avoidant Attachment Style Triggers

Those with avoidant attachment styles can display the image of being overall happy and “fine.” At the same time, on the inside, they struggle to connect with their partner or to feel safe expressing themselves deeply. They might appear to have high self-esteem and a fun-loving personality. They are easy to be around, and it often seems like they have it all together, but they struggle to actually get close to others. For those with avoidant attachment style, a relationship can start to feel scary when the bond starts to feel too “deep.” It may feel like a closed door when it comes to emotional closeness and intimacy with this attachment style. To a partner, this may seem hot and cold and be confusing.

Ways to Manage an Avoidant Attachment Style 

For those with avoidant attachment style, a first step to managing this style is actually to create space and distance. This is a good time to self-reflect and recalibrate the nervous system. Once you regulate your nervous system, you can start asking yourself questions like — “What do I feel? What sensations are arising emotionally and physically? What will make me feel safe to open up?”

Then ask yourself — “What do I need, and what should I do?”  How can you feel safe to share with your partner and lean into the conversation? What will make you feel close?   Gaining insight into your internal compass and taking baby steps towards softening towards another person is a strong step forward that can lead you from avoidant to secure attachment.

For the partner of an individual with avoidant attachment style, it can be so hard to give the avoidant partner space, especially if the partner leans towards an anxious attachment style themselves. The partner may need to take a beat and get curious about their own attachment triggers to give room for their partner to manage theirs. You can also approach your partner by asking how you can support them and how the two of you can connect in the moment. 

In addition to self-reflection and nervous system regulation, individual therapy, marriage counseling, couples therapy, and mindfulness practices can help you manage your avoidant attachment style.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

Anxious Attachment Style in Relationships

 

Your partner doesn’t call you back when you call them — what do you do and think? Do you automatically assume they are mad at you? Do you text them and demand that they call you back? Where is your head at — totally spinning?

You go out on a date with someone new — after the first date, do you immediately start wondering when the next date will be? Does it feel like you absolutely need to know?

These thoughts and reactions may be some indicators of an anxious attachment style.

What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory was first founded by John Bowlby in his research on how babies attach to their primary caregiver. For example, in this research, they looked at things like — when the baby cried for a changed diaper, did the caregiver come in and change the diaper? What they found was that the level of responsiveness of a caregiver to a baby’s needs impacted how the baby experienced safety, trust, and connection and influenced how this child would interact in the world with others throughout life.

Sue Johnson furthered the study of this theory with a focus on how these attachment styles show up in our intimate partnerships as adults. Johnson applied the four attachment styles first identified by Bowlby — secure attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, and anxious attachment — to adult partnerships.

Anxious Attachment Style

As a child, those with an anxious attachment style may have had an inconsistent or confusing dynamic with their primary caregiver due to inconsistent or misattuned parenting. Perhaps they often had temper tantrums and felt a strong need to be close to their primary caregiver, but the caregiver did not respond with closeness or comfort most of the time. These children may have been easy to get worked up and upset and unable to self-regulate.

In adult partnerships, those with anxious attachment style tend to be “needy” and dependent on their partner. Some signals of anxious attachment include: low self-esteem, fear of rejection and abandonment, jealousy, worry, approval seeking, lack of boundaries, and clinginess.

Anxious Attachment Style Triggers

Triggers for an anxiously attached individual may include: inconsistency in communication from a partner when the partner is running late, when a partner seems distant or disconnected, a partner forgetting an important event, or a partner not noticing a new haircut or outfit.

Those with anxious attachment styles in a relationship can react to their triggers in the following ways: constantly thinking about the relationship, worrying about threats to the relationship, desiring constant connection to their partner, and often being quick to anger, blame, and explain to their partner.

Ways to Manage an Anxious Attachment Style 

If you’re identifying with some of these signals, triggers, or reactions, you may have an anxious attachment style. One of the best ways to work with an anxious attachment style when you’re triggered is to focus on self-regulating your emotions in the following ways:

  • Recognize you’re overstimulated

  • Breathe and think through, holding off on a big emotional reaction

  • Work to calm yourself down and get grounded

  • Manage the expectations of your partner

  • Communicate your anger or hurt in a non-reactive way

In addition to self-regulation, talk therapy, marriage counseling, couples therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) strategies, and mindfulness also help with managing your anxious attachment style.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy