If you’re new to this blog series, go check out the previous posts on Why Couples Have the Same Arguments Over and Over Again and 3 Types of Problems Partners Face in Couples Therapy. In those posts, we posed three questions, and this month, we’ll start to address the last of these questions.

Question 3: If we aren’t able to come to an agreement, will this keep us from having a happy relationship?

We will use Scenario B from last month’s post to explore how this couple might approach a perpetual (not gridlocked) problem:

Kate and Danny have been married for six years. They are currently in an argument over Danny’s lack of attention to their yard. When they got married, they discussed that Kate would be in charge of most of the indoor chores and Danny would be responsible for everything outside, including the yard. Kate refers to herself as a ‘recovering perfectionist’, and she takes pride in the tidy home she keeps. When she started dating Danny, she noticed that he was messier than she was, but she decided that if she took over the home and Danny could just keep up the yard, she’d be able to tolerate their differences in how they organize things. Danny feels the yard looks fine, and compared to the other yards in their neighborhood, the time he spends on the yard work is adequate. In his mind, their yard doesn’t look as bad as the other yards in the neighborhood, and he feels Kate is overreacting.

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver explain that perpetual problems arise due to fundamental differences in you and your partner’s personalities or lifestyle needs. Kate and Danny’s situation illustrates one common perpetual issue – differences in how each partner views tidiness/messiness.

The scenario notes that as soon as she and Danny started dating, Kate noticed that Danny was messier than she was. She also is aware that she has perfectionistic tendencies. Kate and Danny are fundamentally different when it comes to how they value neatness – these traits were there when they met, and they are unlikely to change without radical movement on one or both sides.

So, how do they solve this issue?

Without changes to their personalities or values, a discrete solution isn’t easy to reach. They can, however, manage the issue by holding their differences loosely and inject humor or greater acceptance of their partner, while taking individual responsibility for the part of the dynamic that they control. Taking an active role in what they can control, versus trying to change their partner, can impact the couple’s ability to keep the perpetual problem from turning into a problem that is toxic and harmful to their connection.

For example:

Kate could make a conscious effort to accept that Danny is inherently messier than she is, she could decrease the amount of harping she does about Danny’s lack of attention to order, or she could playfully joke about how different they are.

Danny could hire someone to assist with the yard work, he could make more of an effort than he currently is on the yard, or he could also joke about how different they are.

If Kate and Danny were to make small efforts on their part, they would move towards a more harmonious place where they essentially agree to disagree on how important the yard is. These options do not represent a distinct solution but, rather, a more manageable middle ground - a place where Kate and Danny can maintain their level of happiness within their partnership and not let the argument wound their relationship.

Next month, we’ll finish up this series by examining the scenario when this argument turns to a gridlocked problem – exactly the toxic, harmful version of perpetual problems that all couples want to avoid.