Healthy Boundary Setting: Understanding the Difference Between Boundaries and Control

 

In the realm of mental health, personal relationships, and couples therapy, the concepts of boundaries and control are often misunderstood. For those new to the idea of setting boundaries, it's crucial to understand what healthy boundaries are and how to display and communicate boundaries properly. One should also be aware that boundaries are not meant to control another person's behavior.

As previously mentioned in my last blog post in this series, I discussed the do’s and don’ts of boundary setting. In this third and final blog post of my boundary series, I will provide examples of what a boundary might look like in practice versus what a non-boundary (aka, controlling behavior) might look like. My overall hope is that this blog post can be used as a guide to clarify these concepts and provide practical tips for establishing boundaries without crossing into control. Understanding this difference is key to maintaining healthy relationships.

Example 1: Privacy in a Relationship 

  • Boundary Setting: "I value my personal space and privacy. I would appreciate it if we could discuss and agree on boundaries regarding sharing our personal information and giving each other space when needed." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "You can't have any private conversations with your friends without letting me know every detail. I need to have access to your phone and messages to make sure nothing is going on." 

Example 2: Time Management in a Friendship 

  • Boundary Setting: "I have a busy schedule, and I need to prioritize certain commitments. I hope you understand that there may be times when I need to decline social invitations. Let's work together to find a balance that works for both of us." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "You're not allowed to make plans with anyone else if I'm available. I want you to prioritize our friendship over other relationships or activities." 

Example 3: Workplace Collaboration 

  • Boundary Setting: "I prefer to receive feedback in a private setting rather than in front of the entire team. It helps me process the information more effectively, and I feel I'm more open to constructive criticism that way." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "You can't give any feedback about my work without discussing it with me first. I need to approve any comments or suggestions you have before sharing them with others." 

Example 4: Family Finances

  • Boundary Setting: "Let's create a budget together so we can manage our finances more effectively. I would like us to agree on spending limits for discretionary expenses to ensure we are on the same page." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "I will be in charge of all the finances, and you need to consult me before making any purchases, no matter how small. I will monitor all transactions to make sure you're following my rules."

In each of these examples, the boundary-setting approach emphasizes personal needs, open communication, and collaboration, essential elements often explored in couples therapy. In contrast, the non-boundary approach involves dictating specific behaviors and limiting the other person's autonomy, which could be viewed as trying to control someone’s behavior. It's important to remember that when boundaries are communicated appropriately, they can promote mutual understanding and respect in a relationship. Whereas trying to control someone's behavior can lead to tension and strain in a relationship.

Need help with healthy boundary setting? Both couples therapy and individual therapy can be avenues for learning how to identify your needs and communicate your boundaries. Reach out today to get started.

 

The Do's and Don'ts of Setting Boundaries in a Relationship

 

In my first blog post on my series regarding boundaries, Take Charge of Your Mental Health: A Therapist’s Guide to Setting Boundaries, I discussed different ways one can begin to implement boundaries in one’s life. In this second blog post in this boundaries series, I will be discussing the Do’s and Don'ts of boundary setting.

Setting boundaries is an essential aspect of maintaining healthy relationships. However, like any skill, there are both do's and don'ts to keep in mind when first establishing boundaries. Whether you're navigating your marriage, personal relationships, professional dynamics, or even your relationship with yourself, here are some guidelines from a therapist's perspective on the do's and don'ts of setting healthy boundaries in a relationship:

Boundary-setting Do’s & Don’ts

1. Focus on Yourself

  • Do: Clearly express your needs, feelings, and limits based on your own experiences and emotions.

  • Don’t: Avoid trying to dictate or manipulate the other person's actions. Your boundaries should be about your own well-being, not an attempt to try and control another person’s behavior.

2. Use "I" Statements

  • Do: Frame your boundaries using "I" statements to express your feelings and needs — for example, "I feel uncomfortable when..."

  • Don’t: Avoid using "you" statements that might blame or accuse the other person, as this can be perceived as an attempt to control and potentially can take away from your feelings regarding the situation.

3. Be Consistent

  • Do: Consistency is crucial when it comes to maintaining boundaries. Once you've set a boundary, stick to it. Consistent reinforcement reinforces the message that your boundaries are non-negotiable.

  • Don’t: Try to change your boundaries to influence or to try to control the other person's behavior — consistency with boundaries can help build trust.

4. Respect Others’ Boundaries

  • Do: Recognize and respect the other person's boundaries as well — it's a two-way street.

  • Don’t: Avoid expecting another person to adhere strictly to your boundaries while disregarding theirs — mutual respect is crucial for a healthy relationship.

5. Seek Communication & Understanding

  • Do: Encourage open communication to understand each other's needs and feelings.

  • Don’t: Avoid shutting down communication or forcing compliance — understanding each other's perspectives is key to building a healthy relationship.

When first learning to establish boundaries, one may feel scared, overwhelmed, or uncomfortable. However, my hope is that by following these do's and don'ts and using them as a guideline for how to set boundaries, one can begin to feel more confident and at ease with establishing boundaries and feel like they are one step closer to living a more fulfilling life — a life that consists of cultivating healthy relationships, increased self-esteem, and a lifestyle that aligns with your values and priorities. Remember that boundaries are about taking care of yourself, expressing your needs, and fostering mutual respect.

 

Take Charge of Your Mental Health: A Therapist's Guide to Setting Boundaries

 

Boundaries are the invisible lines we draw around ourselves to define our limits, protect our mental health and our emotional and physical well-being, and maintain a sense of autonomy. Establishing boundaries is an act of self-respect, asserting your needs and values in relationships and situations. Maintaining a sense of balance can be challenging, especially when it comes to establishing and maintaining boundaries. As a therapist, I understand the crucial role that boundaries play in our mental health and emotional well-being. In this first blog post in my boundary blog series, we'll explore how you can implement boundaries in your own life. 

7 Tips for Implementing Boundaries from a Mental Health Therapist

1. Self reflect

One of the first steps when thinking about implementing boundaries is to begin by reflecting on your values, needs, and personal boundaries. What behaviors or situations leave you feeling drained or uncomfortable? Identify areas in your life where boundaries are needed.

2. Clarify your limits

Define your boundaries clearly and specifically. Be honest with yourself about what you're comfortable with and what crosses the line, whether it's time, energy, physical space, or emotional intimacy.

3. Communicate assertively

Practice assertive communication when expressing your boundaries to others. Use "I" statements to assert your needs without blaming or accusing. Be direct yet respectful in your interactions when setting boundaries.

4. Set realistic expectations

Be realistic about what you can and cannot control. Understand that not everyone will respect your boundaries, and that's okay. Focus on asserting your limits and prioritizing your well-being, regardless of others' reactions.

5. Learn to say “no” 

Saying no is a powerful act of self-care and boundary-setting. Practice saying no to requests or obligations that conflict with your boundaries. This might feel a bit uncomfortable at first. However, it is essential when working towards maintaining boundaries and prioritizing your well-being.

6. Seek support 

Surround yourself with supportive individuals who respect and encourage your boundaries. Seek guidance from friends, family, or a therapist who can offer validation, insight, and encouragement as you navigate the boundary-setting process.

7. Practice self-compassion

Be gentle and kind with yourself as you begin to establish and enforce boundaries. It's normal to feel anxious or guilty when you are beginning to set boundaries. However, remember that prioritizing your well-being is not selfish — it's essential for your overall health and happiness.

By recognizing and respecting our own boundaries, we honor ourselves and create space for growth, authenticity, and fulfillment in our lives. Understanding boundaries and how to implement them is the first step towards cultivating healthier, more balanced relationships with ourselves and others. So, take a moment to reflect on your own boundaries, and remember, it's okay to set limits that prioritize your mental health and well-being.

Starting therapy is a great way to prioritize your well-being. If you’d like some help working through and implementing your own boundaries, reach out for a free phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit for working together!