How Stress Impacts Functioning: Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

 

What is something that pushes you past your emotional limit?

Is it being in a huge fight with your partner?

Feeling the pressure to perform from several people in your life?

Crowded and loud spaces?

Everyone has their own unique response to the stressors and demands of life. Stress is a huge part of what gets explored and worked through in individual counseling and couples therapy sessions.

Managing Stress

One way people are able to manage their stress and triggers is to first manage their emotions. We ideally want to stay in a place where we can still function well. Daniel Siegel has named this concept the “window of tolerance”. Siegel describes the window of tolerance as “The optimal zone of “arousal” for a person to function in everyday life. When a person is operating within this zone or window, they can effectively manage and cope with their emotions.”

For some, especially those that have experienced trauma, their window of tolerance may be smaller. Therefore, it can be difficult for them to stay in an optimal zone for emotional regulation. This means that a person is not as easily able to get grounded, and the perceived threat of a stressor consumes them so that they aren’t able to think as clearly. These stressors can cause an individual to leave their “window of tolerance” and find themselves in either hyper or hypo arousal.

Hyperarousal (aka the fight or flight response) symptoms include:

  • hypervigilance

  • anxiety

  • panic

  • anger

  • feeling overwhelmed

Hypoarousal (aka the freeze response) symptoms include:

  • emotional numbness

  • emptiness

  • feeling frozen

  • physically feeling shut down

Within our ideal window of tolerance, we feel calm, collected, connected to others, and able to work through emotions and stress.

Start observing how you handle stressful situations. Ask yourself, what is my window of tolerance? What happens when I’m outside of my window of tolerance?

Not only does learning about your window of tolerance help with your own individual wellbeing, it will help you learn to better respond and handle stressors in relationships as well. A counselor or therapist can help you to learn more about managing stress and increasing your window of tolerance. You can also try tools, such as mindfulness, to help you stretch your window of tolerance.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Why Couples Have the Same Arguments Over & Over Again

 

You and your partner are arguing – do you ever find yourself asking:

Why do we keep having the same argument over and over?

Will we ever be able to solve this problem?

If we aren't able to come to an agreement, will this keep us from having a happy relationship?

In this blog series, we’ll address these questions and offer ways to view disagreements in your relationship.

Let’s dive in… Why do we keep having the same argument over and over?

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver explain that research shows that 69% of all marital problems are perpetual in nature - they are continual or recurrent. If you do the math, you then realize that only an average of 31% of issues are solvable. This doesn’t mean that conflict between you and your partner shouldn’t matter or be attended to but that you can let go of some of the pressure to find resolution in every conflict that arises. That’s not likely to happen – conflict can and will recur, even in healthy relationships!

How do you determine if a problem is solvable or not? To answer this question, exploring the difference between solvable problems and perpetual problems is important:

- Solvable problems: Problems that arise due to situational circumstances and have very little to no underlying meaning attached to them; resolution is possible. 

- Perpetual problems: Problems that arise due to fundamental differences in you and your partner’s personalities or lifestyle needs; increased understanding of your partner’s perspective is possible, but resolution will be more elusive.

(Note: The category of perpetual problems includes a sub-type of problem referred to as gridlocked problems – these are perpetual problems that have evolved into conflict steeped with criticism and feelings of rejection by your partner.)

Don’t be discouraged if you still find it hard to categorize a specific problem you are having with your partner, even after reading these definitions – a solvable problem for one couple may be a perpetual problem for another couple. 

Hearing this information about the nature of our disagreements can elicit different reactions from different people. 

- Some people feel better: “This is completely normal, and most of our disagreements will be repetitive and over the same things.”

- Some people feel worse: “The odds are against us, and most of our issues will never come to a resolution.”

How does this make you feel? 

How does this make your partner feel? 

Now what do we do with this information?

In the next blog post in this series, we’ll examine how the same topic of conflict can be solvable, perpetual, or even gridlocked, depending on the couple. We’ll also explore how you and your partner can approach each type of problem.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

What Turns You On... or Off? What Couples Need to Know to Have Great Sex

 

“I think I need my hormones tested… I’m not interested in sex at all.”

“I’m trying to engage my partner in foreplay, but they don’t seem interested.”

Have you ever thought you or your partner might be depressed, out of love, or broken when it comes to intimacy? In the book, Come As You Are, author Emily Nagoski, Ph.D introduces a new way of thinking about arousal using what we call The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response.

The Dual Control Model doesn’t just look at what physically happens with sex, like previous models did, but also looks at what turns you on and what turns you off. For example, this model is concerned with what sights, sounds, or tastes rev you up or down. The model was developed in the 90’s by former Kinsey Institute director, John Bancroft, and Erick Janssen. 

Here’s how it works…

A great way of thinking about this is like the brakes and accelerator in a car. These two mechanisms work in tandem - the brakes need to be let off and there needs to be enough pressure on the accelerator to make the car move. 

This is all happening in your central nervous system. Your sympathetic nervous system acts as your accelerator (scanning the environment for potentially arousing content), while your parasympathetic nervous system acts as your brakes (scanning the environment for all the reasons why you shouldn’t have sex right now).

Some common examples of accelerators are:

  • your partner smelling really great

  • having a nice dinner earlier in the evening

  • when your partner does something that makes you proud

People might have brakes like:

  • needing the mood to be just right

  • feeling worried that it may take time to get aroused

  • your bedroom being a mess

What gives your car momentum and makes it move is a unique balance of brakes and accelerators that are different for every individual.

When you understand this model, it creates a great conversation for you to figure out your brakes and accelerators, as well as your partner’s, so that you can each work to create an ideal environment and context for great sex.

Nagoski has a sexual temperament questionnaire which you can explore in couples therapy or on your own with your partner. Check it out below!

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Meet the Counselors | Lindsay Poth

 

Meet Lindsay!

Lindsay is the most recent addition to the Austin Relational Wellness team. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate and provides couples therapy and individual counseling for adults in Austin, TX.

The Road to Becoming a Counselor

Lindsay’s journey to becoming a therapist came as a result of her own quest to learn more about herself, find a stronger sense of purpose in her life, and understand others’ perspectives more fully. Prior to entering counseling, Lindsay worked as a geophysicist in the oil and gas industry and lived overseas for several years. During this time, she was increasingly fascinated with how different people from various backgrounds and cultures related to each other. While contemplating a career change, Lindsay began teaching yoga at a studio in the Texas Hill Country. After class, her students started sharing their relational struggles and individual challenges – she quickly realized she was not qualified to help them. This realization led her to decide to return to school and pursue a new career in counseling.

Lindsay’s mother was a school counselor, so she grew up seeing how impactful the work of those in the helping profession could be – she still hears stories of how her mother positively affected many lives in her home community. Witnessing how her mother impacted others, as well as drawing on her own experience in therapy, has inspired her to collaboratively work with clients during their struggles and challenges in life. Lindsay believes in the power of healing relational wounds within relationships and is inspired to help her clients navigate this process in a safe, nurturing therapeutic space. 

Lindsay’s Work as a Couples Counselor with Austin Relational Wellness

Lindsay feels there is always hope for greater understanding of yourself, your partner, or your relationship. She enjoys working with couples who are experiencing challenges associated with communication, physical and emotional intimacy, infidelity, or trust recovery and working with individuals facing life transitions, discovering their own sense of self, or wondering how to bring more purpose to their daily lives. When working with couples, she draws from her specialized training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy and sex therapy.

Beyond the Counseling World

Lindsay graduated from St. Edward’s University with a Master of Arts in Counseling. She also holds a B.S. from Texas A&M University and a M.S. from The University of Oklahoma, both in Geophysics. While working on her counseling degree, Lindsay volunteered at a local counseling center, assisting with weekend workshops for couples and co-facilitating a women’s process group. She was also a Child Advocate Volunteer with CASA, assisting with the placement and adoption of three children. Outside of the therapy space, Lindsay is an avid traveler and enjoys hiking, yoga, country dancing, and spending time with her friends, her family, and her two Westies.

Get in Touch

To learn more about Lindsay or to schedule a couples therapy or individual therapy appointment, reach out to Lindsay through the button below. She offers a free 15-minute phone consultation for all potential new clients.

 

5 Steps to Stop Seeing Your Partner in a Negative Light

 

In our previous post, we set the stage for how couples can get stuck in a negative “frozen box” of seeing one another at their worst when fighting. Here, we will introduce a tool that a counselor using the Relational Life Therapy (RLT) model might use to help couples break out of this box, the Core Negative Image exercise.

Head to the post, Is a Negative View of Your Partner Affecting Your Relationship?, to understand the scenario for the following exercise:

Now, let’s take a look at how a couples therapist using RLT might help you and your partner using the Core Negative Image (CNI) exercise.

  1. Write down the adjectives that describe your partner at their worst - this description is your CNI of your partner 

    • You: lazy, selfish, unsupportive

    • Your Partner: demanding, critical, unforgiving

  2. Write down what you think your partner’s CNIs of you are - how do you think they see you at your worst?

    • You: nagging, mean

    • Your Partner: worthless, lazy

  3. Pause (regulate your nervous system) and check in on what part of these could be true. Next, have an open and honest dialogue with your partner exploring each of your CNIs with the guidance of your therapist.

  4. Identify ways in which you each exhibit CNI Confirming Behavior (aka - behaviors that reinforce the CNI you or your partner have of one another) and when you each exhibit CNI Busting Behavior (aka - behaviors that contradict the CNI you or your partner have of one another) .

    • You:

      • CNI Confirming Behavior: When you don’t take out the trash, the story I tell myself is that you are lazy, selfish, and unsupportive.

      • CNI Busting Behavior: He actually keeps the garage swept regularly, picks up an extra salsa on taco night for me even though he doesn’t want it, and supports me by listening when I’ve had a rough day. 

    • Your Partner: 

      1. CNI Confirming Behavior: When you yell at me to take out the trash, the story I tell myself is that you are demanding, critical, and unforgiving.

      2. CNI Busting Behavior: She actually expresses appreciation for my help with the kids and laundry pretty often. She also lets it slide when I screw up dinner on occasion.

  5. Now, with this new understanding and insight, you can use this information to inform future behaviors and reactions. You can use this insight as a “CNI Busting Behavior Compass” to gain awareness of what you’re reinforcing and choose to make a different choice and behave differently in these moments.

This exercise can be powerful and also very challenging to work through. After all, most of us would find it hard to hear how our partners see us at our worst. Even harder is accepting that, every so often, our most immature and wounded sides come out for our partners to see.

This is why it’s important to create a safe place for sharing and exploration. Because of the sensitive nature of the exercise itself, it’s important to have a therapist trained in Relational Life Therapy help you work through it at first.

With this support, couples can use this difficult conversation as an opportunity to lean into the hard parts of the relationship to step outside of the “frozen box” and step deeper into a space of greater insight, self-awareness, intimacy, and connection.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Is a Negative View of Your Partner Affecting Your Relationship?

 

Imagine yourself in this scenario:

You come home from a long day at work to find an overflowing trash can. Meanwhile, you turn to find that your partner is enjoying their day off from work and watching tv while lounging on the couch. You start to get heated. Your mind starts racing. You think to yourself… Really? Again? He’s seriously just going to lounge around all day without even thinking about taking out the trash? He is so lazy and unsupportive. Then you say to him, “Are you kidding me? You never take out the trash!”

Have you ever caught yourself thinking or saying something similar about your partner?

Has your partner ever said these things about you?

If so, what usually happens next?

Perhaps it goes something like this:

Your partner begins to think… Here we go again… nag, nag, nag. This is my only day off this week and she’s going to act like this? She’s so demanding. Your partner has been enjoying a much needed day off from work and is exhausted. They respond to you, “I’m so sick of this. All you ever do is nag me! Take out the trash yourself.” Then they storm out of the room. 

Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), states in his book New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work:

“The problem with trying to help (this couple) stop arguing with each other is that they actually aren’t arguing with each other anymore; they’re arguing with each other’s ghosts. By the time they move into ‘You always’ and ‘You never,’ they no longer address their real partner but rather a caricatured version of that partner… They are no longer actually fighting with each other, but rather with each other’s core negative image.”

Couples can get stuck in a “frozen box” of seeing their partner only as the worst version of themselves, which fuels the argument and the cycle continues.

The next time you find yourself in an argument with your partner, consider if you might be doing just this — thinking of your partner at their worst and seeing this negative image of them in those moments of conflict.

In my next post, we’ll explore how couples can move beyond this stuck place of arguing with one another’s core negative images and communicate in a more relational space with an RLT exercise I use in couples therapy called a Core Negative Image Exercise.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Understanding Your Negative Pattern: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

 

There are many reasons couples seek couples therapy. There may have been a shared loss, an increase in life stressors like welcoming a new baby, a betrayal, an increase in conflict, or overall disconnection with one another.

There are a variety of reasons people find themselves in my couples therapy room. Regardless of the presenting problem, as an Austin couples therapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), one of my first tasks is to help my clients understand their negative cycle.

But let’s back up a little bit and first talk about attachment. As humans, we are hardwired to connect with others. We are born needing closeness, belonging, connection to our caregivers, and for our needs to be responded to. The way these needs are met or unmet is, in a nutshell, what we refer to as the attachment bond. 

While we develop and grow to be more independent and self-sufficient, the need for attachment bonds does not go away. We still seek closeness with others, and many find this bond through a love relationship. Within this bond, we hope to feel loved and understood, to share in meaningful experiences, and to be able to love and care for the other person. This bond becomes so important, and because it is so important, when there is emotional distance, a need is missed or you’re getting signals from your partner that your bond is threatened, a pattern of distress can emerge.

Most couples who experience conflict or difficult interactions will also notice that they follow a familiar and repetitive pattern - a negative cycle. They find themselves in this pattern over and over again. These are the interactions that feed off one another and lead to disconnection and conflict. Within these interactions, both partners are having an emotional response to the other person's way of coping with distress in the relationship.

It might look something like this…

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a model of couples therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, the first order of business is for the couple and therapist to get an idea of their unique negative cycle. It’s important to first map your cycle, understand your moves, your partner’s moves, and the emotions that trigger and keep the cycle going. Then you can slow down and choose a more successful path of communication where your message can not only be received but also digested and responded to.

Your EFT therapist will help you slow down and notice your emotional experience. What do you see that sets your “alarm bells” off? What happens inside for you? How do you make sense of what you see from your partner? What do you do next? How does your partner respond? And so on and so forth.

The Negative Cycle

When the negative cycle is alive between you and your partner, it’s moving VERY fast. Part of therapy is slowing this process WAY down and exploring each part of the cycle in a safe environment and in the care of a couples therapist. When you’re not caught in the cycle and have slowed down, you can process things from a less reactive and more receptive place, which means more space for new reactions and responses.

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

 

Improve Your Communication by Learning to Regulate Your Nervous System

 

Imagine this scenario…

You receive exciting news of a promotion at work and are looking forward to sharing the news and excitement with your partner once you get home. You walk in the door so excited to share the news!

But when you see your partner, they are preoccupied and barely greet you. They let you know they can’t talk right now because they have a work deadline. Oh!... and “Can you cook dinner?” — They forgot to pick anything up. Suddenly you find yourself getting heated. You start yelling at your partner. You call them names and end up storming out.

Your relationship with the person you were so excited to share your news with is now in distress.

So, what may have happened here?

Let’s look at emotion dysregulation from the perspective of the nervous system (a.k.a., your body’s command center) and how it influences our social relationships.

The nervous system is constantly scanning the environment for both danger cues and safety cues. It speaks to us before our conscious mind does. As humans, we are hardwired to connect and communicate in order to feel safe. When we receive physiological cues that our relationship is in danger, we shift into an activated state where our capacity to listen or reason is compromised. Nervous system dysregulation can have a huge impact on communication with our partners and is often what leads couples into distressing fights.

In the example above, your partner’s preoccupied response sent your nervous system a danger cue — you perceived a message that you didn’t matter and that you couldn’t rely on your partner. These are terrible ways to feel about an important relationship. So what did you do with this cue? Your nervous system became dysregulated and you lashed out, expressing your hurt through anger, yelling, and leaving.

Sometimes, when dysregulated and out of sync with our partners, a great place to start is by getting in sync with ourselves. We need to move from danger to safety by working to actively regulate our nervous system.

Regulating our nervous system is beneficial for our individual wellbeing, as well as how we communicate, both verbally and nonverbally, with our partners. A regulated nervous system can help facilitate more mature, effective communication. When in a calm, clear, safe state, we can be more open and willing to hear our partner out, take a leap of faith, articulate our experience, speak from the now versus the hurt, and to fight more fairly.

There are multiple ways to regulate your nervous system, many of which stem from mindfulness practices. One fundamental practice is that of breathwork.

Here’s a simple mindful breathing practice to try:

  • Start with an inhale to a count of 3

  • Exhale to a count of 5, making your exhale longer than your inhale

  • Continue this breathing pattern…

  • Inhale… 1… 2… 3…

  • Exhale… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…

  • After you’ve repeated this pattern a few times, try adding in a grounding component by gazing at your feet and speaking aloud, “I am here, grounded and safe.” 

The next time you begin to feel activated, ask yourself, “What is my physiological response right now? Is my nervous system dysregulated and in fight, flight, or freeze mode?” If the answer is yes, it’s time to try a regulation technique like mindful breathing.

Getting curious about your nervous system and befriending it can aid in this process of regulation. Creating rituals to support your nervous system is one way to make this a practice so you can have healthier communication in your relationships.

Check out the following resources for more info on nervous system regulation:

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Create Your 2022 Relationship Vision

 

What are your resolutions for the new year?

To get healthier, physically or mentally?

To better understand your finances and budget?

To keep a tidier home?

To finally make that career change?

Often, our New Year’s resolutions are for us as individuals — goals we set to work toward better versions of ourselves. When we talk about resolutions, we don’t often think about what we want for our marriages or relationships in the coming year.

Four years ago, we created an exercise at Austin Relational Wellness called the Relationship Vision Exercise. Since then, my husband and I have prioritized this exercise at the beginning of each new year. Not only does this help us to check-in surrounding shared goals, it has helped us actually take action on these goals. From saying “yes” to new experiences more often to actually sticking to a budget to prioritizing travel, we’ve actually seen meaningful results from this yearly practice.

For us, this exercise has turned into a yearly ritual of connection — something researchers and founders of Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Julie & John Gottman, dub as an important part of creating shared meaning and a strong relationship. This ritual is important to us because it’s a time to reflect on our relationship, celebrate the wins, and brainstorm about changes we want to make.

Communication about our wants, needs, and goals helps us to be present and intentional in our marriage. It helps us know one another better and build what the Gottman’s call Love Maps. It also helps us prevent future issues or misalignments from cropping up. The more we discuss what we want ahead of time, the more we can work toward these things together versus getting frustrated with the other for not participating or sharing our vision.

This week, my partner and I will be creating our 2022 Relationship Vision, and I’d like to challenge you to do the same. Take some time to focus on your relational health and to have the conversation as a couple to plan for the rest of the year. Re-evaluate what you each want together and think about what you need to get there.

What are your goals?

What challenges might you face?

And how can you each contribute and support one another throughout the year?

It’s simple — all you have to do is download the worksheet below to help guide your conversation, set a time to meet with your partner, maybe grab a bottle of wine, and just dream a little together. The act of writing down your shared vision can also help hold you each accountable and is nice to revisit when you’re wondering about your progress. If you each approach it with openness, it should be a connecting, meaningful exercise that leaves you feeling energized and motivated.

We’d love to hear how your experience went! And of course, if one of your goals is to make your relationship or marriage more of a priority this year, reach out to us to inquire about our Austin couples therapy services.

Article by Hannah Eubank, MA, LPC, LMFT

 

3 Questions to Ask in Your Relationship

 

As humans, we are hardwired for connection. We seek closeness to others for intimacy, support, and to share in the ups and downs of life.

Attachment theory focuses on the relationship and bond between people, especially young children and their attachment figure. More recently, researchers have applied the science of early attachment to the bond between romantic partners. Through attachment research, we now know that the most important thing in relationships is emotional responsiveness.

As an Emotionally Focused couples therapist, I work with my clients to understand and reshape their communication so they can experience more successful vulnerability and safety in their relationship. One part of this is helping my clients understand how emotionally responsive they are to their partner.

In love relationships, we are constantly trying to gauge, “Are you there for me? Can I depend on you? Can I get you to respond to me?” We hope to feel loved, cared for, and understood. We want to know we can come to our partner in times of need. The repetition of feeling this way over time creates a secure bond between partners.

In Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson captures the essence of emotional presence in the acronym A.R.E. - Accessibility, Responsiveness and Engagement. Sue asks, “A.R.E. you there for me?”

Accessibility

Accessibility means I can get your presence or support when needed. Can I get your attention if I try? Can I depend on you to be open to my feelings? Can I reach for you physically or emotionally?

Responsiveness

Responsiveness means I can get a response to my bids for attention and needs. Will you show me empathy? Will you respond to my feelings? Will you comfort me when needed?

Engagement

Engagement means you keep me close and see me as unique and special in your life. Will you let me come close to you? Will you be impacted by my emotions? Will you let me be there for you? Am I valued, and do I matter to you? Will you draw me close?

Consider how Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged you are with your partner. Emotional presence is one way to provide comfort and security. If you’re interested in more exercises to strengthen your emotional bond, An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald is a great resource that you can work through at your own pace.

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT