Secure Attachment Style in Relationships

 

Relationship Scenario: You call your partner, and they don’t answer. 

Someone with an anxious attachment style might say: “Did I do something wrong? When will they call me back?”

Someone with an avoidant attachment style says: ”If they’re rejecting my call, I will ignore them when they call back.”

Someone with a secure attachment style might say: “Hmm, they must be busy. I will get back to work and look forward to hearing from them.” - or - “I will just text them - Call me when you’re free. It is not an emergency. I just have a question about dinner.”

Secure Attachment Style

Secure attachment is the healthiest attachment style. It is grounded, mature, and wise. Those with secure attachment have a healthy sense of self-worth, acceptance, and vulnerability. Those with secure attachment manage emotions and communication in the clearest way, leaving less of a push-pull in their relationships. 

In my previous two posts on attachment styles, we explored anxious attachment and avoidant attachment styles. In this blog post, we will touch on what it means to have a secure attachment style, as well as how a secure attachment style is developed as a child and then shows up as an adult.

Attachment styles are four behavioral archetypes based on attachment theory and research. Research suggests that secure attachment style is the most common type of attachment style in our society. Around 66% of the nation’s population is estimated to have a secure attachment style.

How does Secure Attachment Style Develop?

A child’s experience of responsiveness and attunement from caregivers impacts how they experience the world and relationships later in life. As children, those with a secure attachment style likely had their caregiver attend to them when they had physical cues such as crying. As a baby, they trusted their caregiver would be there for them. Trust is the anchor of secure attachment style. These individuals also had a stronger ability to self-soothe, as well as the ability not to let emotions drive their behavior.

Children develop secure attachment by having their needs met, feeling supported, having a sense of belonging, and feeling safe, trusted, seen, and heard while also being able to be on their own and test the world, knowing they can return safely. An example of a child with secure attachment would be - a child having their parent within view while still having autonomy and playing independently.

Secure Attachment in Adult Relationships

In adulthood, a secure attachment style is typically characterized as feeling comfortable in intimate relationships, balancing thinking emotionally and logically with a sense that, no matter what, you’ll be okay. People with a secure attachment style are generally able to communicate their needs and feelings effectively. It is the ability to self-soothe and regulate the nervous system, plus knowing, liking, and trusting all parts of yourself.

An adult with secure attachment:

  1. Knows how to regulate their emotions and understands their feelings 

  2. Has autonomy and the ability to navigate the world independently 

  3. Is open, connected, and trusting of others

  4. Is clear on who they are and what their purpose is

  5. Can communicate clearly 

  6. Strives to live a meaningful life

  7. Can ask for support from others and also lend support to others

  8. Is balanced with togetherness and separateness

  9. Is comfortable alone

  10. Is able to be reflective and observant of how they participate and contribute to the relationship

The good news is you can change your attachment style. Even if you didn’t have all these things growing up, you can work on shifting your attachment style and becoming securely attached in your adult relationships.

How to move from anxious or avoidant attachment styles to secure attachment style: 

  1. Learn to self soothe 

  2. Learn to regulate emotions and your nervous system

  3. Express primary vulnerable emotions

  4. Go to individual therapy 

  5. Take time to be self-compassionate and mindful

  6. Be around those that feel safe in a relationship and feel capable and comfortable being transparent

  7. Attend relationship therapy or couples therapy with your partner to practice healthy communication

  8. Set healthy boundaries

Developing a secure attachment style can lead to even more fulfilling and satisfying relationships, along with greater emotional well-being. So don't hesitate to work towards this goal - your future self will thank you! If you would like to work on developing a secure attachment style in your relationships, reach out to us to book an individual therapy, relationship therapy, or couples therapy session. 

 

9 Cognitive Distortions That Influence Negative Thinking

 

Do you recall a time when you were driving, a song came on, and as a result, you felt a certain emotion or had a specific memory? Then what happened? Did you feel sad and cry, or maybe you got mad and got upset? Then what did you do? Did you text your ex because the song made you think of them or honk at a car around you because you were mad?

Sometimes, do you feel like these experiences are out of your control? Our thoughts impact our emotions, which influence our behavior. This concept is the foundation of a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, also known as CBT.

The premise of CBT is about how what we feel, what we think, and how we act impact one another.

Let’s take another example - you go on Instagram, see someone posted a picture on vacation with their new girlfriend, and you then think, “I will die alone.”

This is an example of what we call a cognitive distortion - a thought pattern or belief that is exaggerated, irrational, or inaccurate. Sometimes we create cognitive distortions from thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

CBT therapy helps you process your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to be more present. One way to do this is by working with cognitive distortions.

Examples of cognitive distortions:

  1. Black and white thinking - you have an all-or-nothing mentality

    Example: “I didn’t do the dishes. I am lazy, and I am a failure.”

  2. Catastrophizing - you go to the extreme, worst-case scenario 

    Example: “I will not pass the exam, and it will be a bad experience.”

  3. Discounting - you feel unworthy and discount an experience, justifying the unworthiness

    Example: “I only passed because I got lucky.”

  4. Emotional reasoning - you rationalize your feeling

    Example: “I feel sad, so something must be wrong with my career.”

  5. Labeling  - you label yourself as something negative 

    Example: “I am broken.”

  6. Should statements - you guilt or shame yourself for what you think you are supposed to do

    Example: “I should fold the laundry right now, even though I am exhausted.” 

  7. Blaming - you blame someone or something else

    Example: “It is my mom's fault for being like this.” 

  8. Overgeneralizing  - you generalize an experience

    Example: “I had bad luck last time I tried this. I will never get it right.”

  9. Mind reading - assuming what someone else is thinking

    Example: “I know he doesn’t like me.”

Cognitive distortions can impact how we feel about ourselves, go about our day, and impact our overall well-being. With CBT strategies, we can become more aware and train ourselves to be aware of these thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors to improve our quality of life.

Here are a few CBT strategies:

Cognitive Restructuring

This strategy is about identifying and reframing cognitive distortions with a better outlook.

For example, you recognize when tell yourself that you are lazy because you should have been more productive (an example of a should statement and an overgeneralization). You can use the strategy of cognitive restructuring to reframe and consciously remember all the times you have been productive, then instead tell yourself that maybe you need rest right now.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is one of the best ways to be present. Mindfulness practices include breathing, meditation, journaling, and moving your body. The key is to purposefully engage in and focus on an experience without any evaluation or judgement. With a mindfulness practice, you become more aware of your thoughts, befriend them, and are able to just be with them.  You can bring the subconscious to consciousness. You can respond versus react to your thoughts. By tuning into yourself, you can intentionally replace your cognitive distortions with cognitive restructuring.

Other CBT strategies include exposure therapy, self-compassion, behavioral activation, and skill training.

Realizing that some of these cognitive distortions are ones you use at times? Reach out to Sarah for support in recognizing and working with cognitive distortions in individual CBT therapy.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships

 

In my previous post, I wrote about attachment theory, attachment styles, and specifically, anxious attachment style. In this post, we’ll explore another type of attachment style — avoidant attachment style.

Avoidant Attachment Style

People with an avoidant attachment style are generally more distant or dismissive of closeness and intimate relationships. Oftentimes, these individuals did not receive the closeness they were perhaps craving as a child. Their need to express emotions and connectedness was met with disapproval. Those with an avoidant attachment style perhaps had more closed-off, emotionally unavailable, or stern parents. With this, as adults, those with an avoidant attachment style can be very independent and self-sufficient and appear confident. These individuals may fear too much closeness and come off as dismissive.

Avoidant Attachment Style Triggers

Those with avoidant attachment styles can display the image of being overall happy and “fine.” At the same time, on the inside, they struggle to connect with their partner or to feel safe expressing themselves deeply. They might appear to have high self-esteem and a fun-loving personality. They are easy to be around, and it often seems like they have it all together, but they struggle to actually get close to others. For those with avoidant attachment style, a relationship can start to feel scary when the bond starts to feel too “deep.” It may feel like a closed door when it comes to emotional closeness and intimacy with this attachment style. To a partner, this may seem hot and cold and be confusing.

Ways to Manage an Avoidant Attachment Style 

For those with avoidant attachment style, a first step to managing this style is actually to create space and distance. This is a good time to self-reflect and recalibrate the nervous system. Once you regulate your nervous system, you can start asking yourself questions like — “What do I feel? What sensations are arising emotionally and physically? What will make me feel safe to open up?”

Then ask yourself — “What do I need, and what should I do?”  How can you feel safe to share with your partner and lean into the conversation? What will make you feel close?   Gaining insight into your internal compass and taking baby steps towards softening towards another person is a strong step forward that can lead you from avoidant to secure attachment.

For the partner of an individual with avoidant attachment style, it can be so hard to give the avoidant partner space, especially if the partner leans towards an anxious attachment style themselves. The partner may need to take a beat and get curious about their own attachment triggers to give room for their partner to manage theirs. You can also approach your partner by asking how you can support them and how the two of you can connect in the moment. 

In addition to self-reflection and nervous system regulation, individual therapy, marriage counseling, couples therapy, and mindfulness practices can help you manage your avoidant attachment style.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

Anxious Attachment Style in Relationships

 

Your partner doesn’t call you back when you call them — what do you do and think? Do you automatically assume they are mad at you? Do you text them and demand that they call you back? Where is your head at — totally spinning?

You go out on a date with someone new — after the first date, do you immediately start wondering when the next date will be? Does it feel like you absolutely need to know?

These thoughts and reactions may be some indicators of an anxious attachment style.

What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory was first founded by John Bowlby in his research on how babies attach to their primary caregiver. For example, in this research, they looked at things like — when the baby cried for a changed diaper, did the caregiver come in and change the diaper? What they found was that the level of responsiveness of a caregiver to a baby’s needs impacted how the baby experienced safety, trust, and connection and influenced how this child would interact in the world with others throughout life.

Sue Johnson furthered the study of this theory with a focus on how these attachment styles show up in our intimate partnerships as adults. Johnson applied the four attachment styles first identified by Bowlby — secure attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, and anxious attachment — to adult partnerships.

Anxious Attachment Style

As a child, those with an anxious attachment style may have had an inconsistent or confusing dynamic with their primary caregiver due to inconsistent or misattuned parenting. Perhaps they often had temper tantrums and felt a strong need to be close to their primary caregiver, but the caregiver did not respond with closeness or comfort most of the time. These children may have been easy to get worked up and upset and unable to self-regulate.

In adult partnerships, those with anxious attachment style tend to be “needy” and dependent on their partner. Some signals of anxious attachment include: low self-esteem, fear of rejection and abandonment, jealousy, worry, approval seeking, lack of boundaries, and clinginess.

Anxious Attachment Style Triggers

Triggers for an anxiously attached individual may include: inconsistency in communication from a partner when the partner is running late, when a partner seems distant or disconnected, a partner forgetting an important event, or a partner not noticing a new haircut or outfit.

Those with anxious attachment styles in a relationship can react to their triggers in the following ways: constantly thinking about the relationship, worrying about threats to the relationship, desiring constant connection to their partner, and often being quick to anger, blame, and explain to their partner.

Ways to Manage an Anxious Attachment Style 

If you’re identifying with some of these signals, triggers, or reactions, you may have an anxious attachment style. One of the best ways to work with an anxious attachment style when you’re triggered is to focus on self-regulating your emotions in the following ways:

  • Recognize you’re overstimulated

  • Breathe and think through, holding off on a big emotional reaction

  • Work to calm yourself down and get grounded

  • Manage the expectations of your partner

  • Communicate your anger or hurt in a non-reactive way

In addition to self-regulation, talk therapy, marriage counseling, couples therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) strategies, and mindfulness also help with managing your anxious attachment style.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy