Will Recurring Arguments Keep Us From Having a Happy Relationship?

 

If you’re new to this blog series, go check out the previous posts on Why Couples Have the Same Arguments Over and Over Again and 3 Types of Problems Partners Face in Couples Therapy. In those posts, we posed three questions, and this month, we’ll start to address the last of these questions.

Question 3: If we aren’t able to come to an agreement, will this keep us from having a happy relationship?

We will use Scenario B from last month’s post to explore how this couple might approach a perpetual (not gridlocked) problem:

Kate and Danny have been married for six years. They are currently in an argument over Danny’s lack of attention to their yard. When they got married, they discussed that Kate would be in charge of most of the indoor chores and Danny would be responsible for everything outside, including the yard. Kate refers to herself as a ‘recovering perfectionist’, and she takes pride in the tidy home she keeps. When she started dating Danny, she noticed that he was messier than she was, but she decided that if she took over the home and Danny could just keep up the yard, she’d be able to tolerate their differences in how they organize things. Danny feels the yard looks fine, and compared to the other yards in their neighborhood, the time he spends on the yard work is adequate. In his mind, their yard doesn’t look as bad as the other yards in the neighborhood, and he feels Kate is overreacting.

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver explain that perpetual problems arise due to fundamental differences in you and your partner’s personalities or lifestyle needs. Kate and Danny’s situation illustrates one common perpetual issue – differences in how each partner views tidiness/messiness. 

The scenario notes that as soon as she and Danny started dating, Kate noticed that Danny was messier than she was. She also is aware that she has perfectionistic tendencies. Kate and Danny are fundamentally different when it comes to how they value neatness – these traits were there when they met, and they are unlikely to change without radical movement on one or both sides.

So, how do they solve this issue? 

Without changes to their personalities or values, a discrete solution isn’t easy to reach. They can, however, manage the issue by holding their differences loosely and inject humor or greater acceptance of their partner, while taking individual responsibility for the part of the dynamic that they control. Taking an active role in what they can control, versus trying to change their partner, can impact the couple’s ability to keep the perpetual problem from turning into a problem that is toxic and harmful to their connection. 

For example:

Kate could make a conscious effort to accept that Danny is inherently messier than she is, she could decrease the amount of harping she does about Danny’s lack of attention to order, or she could playfully joke about how different they are. 

Danny could hire someone to assist with the yard work, he could make more of an effort than he currently is on the yard, or he could also joke about how different they are. 

If Kate and Danny were to make small efforts on their part, they would move towards a more harmonious place where they essentially agree to disagree on how important the yard is. These options do not represent a distinct solution but, rather, a more manageable middle ground - a place where Kate and Danny can maintain their level of happiness within their partnership and not let the argument wound their relationship.

Next month, we’ll finish up this series by examining the scenario when this argument turns to a gridlocked problem – exactly the toxic, harmful version of perpetual problems that all couples want to avoid. 

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Finding Rituals and Routine to Feel Grounded During Transition

 

In the summer of 2020, I found myself feeling totally untethered. We were two months into the COVID-19 pandemic, the world was unrecognizable, and my entire counseling and therapy practice had moved online.

Pre-COVID, my day-to-day as a counselor was commuting to South Austin, grabbing lunch on the go, and meeting up with friends and family between engagements. So summer 2020, I found myself stuck in the lull of being at my house 24/7. An Enneagram 7’s nightmare.

This transition was rough. I spent my days alone at home and noticed myself feeling aimless, uncertain, and anxious. There was no end to this work from home in sight, so I needed to find something to ground me.

I knew from my work with my counseling clients that having a routine can help with both anxiety and depression. When we’re going through a major transition, routines and rituals can be extremely helpful. I also know that creating a routine when you are depressed can be challenging… so I implemented a few things.

My Daily Routine to Support Mental Health & Counter Depression

Wake Up

I started getting up at the same time each day, even if my meetings started a little later that day. Even if I just woke up and went and sat on the couch. I got out of bed and started my day.

Get Ready

I fixed my hair and makeup and put on real clothes, down to my shoes. Even If I didn’t plan to leave the house or have a client-facing counseling session, there was something grounding in me taking care of myself in this way. It’s not for everyone, but for me, when I look and feel put together, I feel my best. No one could see my shoes, but I felt better.

Make Your Bed

I made my bed. You hear this all the time, if you do one thing… make your bed! Even if your day ends up terrible, you still accomplished this, and you get into a nicely made bed that evening. 

Feel the Earth

I got outside for a few minutes each morning. Felt my feet on the earth, let the sun shine on my face, observed the birds, sat with my dog. There are countless benefits of vitamin D and grounding in the earth. We need to get out of our house! One of the first things I ask my clients when they report being overwhelmed or depressed is… “Have you been outside today?”

Transition out of Work Mode

Lastly, I changed my clothes after work to signal the transition to non-work mode. I no longer had the time during my typical commute to process my day, so this ritual helped me feel done with my day and able to leave all the energy behind.

The Importance of Ritual in Transition

All of these things I implemented became a daily ritual for me that helped me feel grounded and present for whatever the day brought me. It’s been over two years since I developed these rituals to help me cope with such a challenging transition period. They have become second nature to me and continue to help me feel grounded on a daily basis.

As I find myself in the last weeks of my pregnancy, preparing for what will most likely be the biggest transition I’ve experienced thus far, I intend to not only keep these in practice, but also implement new ideas to stay grounded and present during the next few weeks.

I’ll be working on some technology boundaries so I don’t end up in mindless scrolling or overstimulation from internet parenting advice. This might look like staying off my phone for a few hours in the morning, deleting Instagram for the first month, or sitting with my own intuition for 10 minutes before Googling something. I’ll also focus on routines that help me maintain a peaceful environment with minimal effort. I’ve already prepared by getting rid of a ton of extra stuff in my home that required management to make room for the new!

What daily rituals or routines help you feel grounded during transitions?

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, MA, LPC, LMFT

 

Self-Compassion: A Useful Tool to Counter Anxiety and Depression

 

When your friend goes through a breakup, do you find yourself able to reassure them that it will all be okay?

Or when they call you embarrassed over something they did, are you able to see it from a different perspective and offer love and support? 

On the other hand, when you do something embarrassing yourself, you say to yourself, “How embarrassing, what is wrong with you?” Why do you offer compassion towards others and criticism towards yourself? For many individuals, this act of self-criticizing can contribute to depression, anxiety, and many other mental health difficulties.

Fortunately, there’s something you can do to counteract your inner critic. Let’s explore the concept of self-compassion. 

Kristen Neff, associate professor in the University of Texas at Austin's department of educational psychology, has heavily researched self-compassion and the power it has to support an individual in the process of getting unstuck and steering the brain away from criticism.

Self-compassion is noticing your suffering and offering yourself compassion as you would your best friend. Self-compassion is not high self-esteem or self-pity.

Neff states, “Self-compassion involves acting the same way [you would towards others] towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”

Neff identifies 3 elements to self compassion:

  1. Self-kindness vs. self-judgment - offering self-kindness that is warm and understanding vs. self-judgment that is cold and critical

  2. Common humanity vs. isolation - recognition that suffering is a natural part of the human experience and you aren’t alone in making mistakes or feeling uncomfortable feelings

  3. Mindfulness vs. overidentification - acknowledgment and observance of your negative emotions rather than reactivity or suppression of the emotions

There are many self-compassion techniques that are similar to mindfulness techniques. Through her research, Neff found that the key is not to suppress the pain but to just be with it in acceptance. You can always start with a pressing exercise, to release the suffering and invite self-compassion. I like putting my hand over my heart and saying, “It’s okay… you are here now… you are human.”

It isn’t always easy to have compassion for yourself when you’re struggling with your mental health or experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety. In my next post, I will share 8 simple exercises you can do to practice self-compassion.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

 

3 Types of Problems Partners Face in Couples Therapy

 

In a previous blog post, Why Couples Have the Same Arguments Over & Over Again, we discussed how couples can find themselves in recurring conflict. According to Gottman Method Couples Therapy, generally, relational conflict includes one of three types of problems – solvable problems, perpetual problems, or a subtype of perpetual problems, called gridlocked problems. We posed three questions, and this month, we’ll address the second of these questions.

Question 2: Will we ever be able to solve this problem?

The quick answer to this question is… maybe. To analyze this further, let’s look at a few example scenarios that sometimes come up in couples therapy, where a couple is arguing about yard work.

Can you spot what type of problem the couple is dealing with?

What are the important differences in these scenarios?

Base scenario in Couples Therapy:

Kate and Danny have been married for six years. They are currently in an argument over Danny’s lack of attention to their yard. When they got married, they discussed that Kate would be in charge of most of the indoor chores and Danny would be responsible for everything outside, including the yard. 

Scenario A = Base scenario + the following:

Kate is upset that Danny hasn’t been taking care of the yard in the last few weeks. Danny argues that he’s been increasingly tired due to additional work stress and having to spend more hours at work. He tries to explain that it’s hard to keep up the yard as he usually does since he now gets home after dark. Kate’s still mad because he’s not keeping up his end of their agreement.

Scenario B = Base scenario + the following:

Kate refers to herself as a ‘recovering perfectionist’, and she takes pride in the tidy home she keeps. When she started dating Danny, she noticed that he was messier than she was, but she decided that if she took over the home and Danny could just keep up the yard, she’d be able to tolerate their differences in how they organize things. Danny feels the yard looks fine, and compared to the other yards in their neighborhood, the time he spends on the yard work is adequate. In his mind, their yard doesn’t look as bad as the other yards in the neighborhood, and he feels Kate is overreacting.

Scenario C = Base scenario + the following:

When they first met, Kate noticed Danny was messier than she was, but she thought he’d eventually come to realize how important keeping an organized home was to her. Kate feels their neighbors judge the messiness of their yard, and she sees Danny’s dismissal of the severity of the issue as a sign he doesn’t prioritize their relationship. When they have this fight, Kate accuses Danny of being lazy and worthless as a husband. Now, every time that Kate brings up the issue of the yard, Danny walks out of the room and refuses to discuss the issue. He’s stopped doing much of anything to keep the yard up and only does the absolute minimum to meet their neighborhood HOA standards. In fact, they have been cited and fined several times over the last year.

When you consider whether Kate and Danny will be able to resolve this problem – which of these scenarios seem the easiest or hardest to solve?

Which of these scenarios is solvable, perpetual, or gridlocked?

Scenario A is an easy one - it's the solvable problem. This argument is situational in nature and there are many ways to address the issue - Kate and Danny could temporarily hire someone to help with the yard, Kate could help out, or Danny could share more about his work stress with Kate so that she relaxes her standards during this unusually stressful time. 

What solutions do you see for Scenario B and Scenario C?

Those are the types of scenarios that couples often find themselves learning to navigate in couples therapy. These scenarios aren’t so easy…

In the next blog post in this series, we’ll examine how to approach perpetual or gridlocked issues.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

How Stress Impacts Functioning: Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

 

What is something that pushes you past your emotional limit?

Is it being in a huge fight with your partner?

Feeling the pressure to perform from several people in your life?

Crowded and loud spaces?

Everyone has their own unique response to the stressors and demands of life. Stress is a huge part of what gets explored and worked through in individual counseling and couples therapy sessions.

Managing Stress

One way people are able to manage their stress and triggers is to first manage their emotions. We ideally want to stay in a place where we can still function well. Daniel Siegel has named this concept the “window of tolerance”. Siegel describes the window of tolerance as “The optimal zone of “arousal” for a person to function in everyday life. When a person is operating within this zone or window, they can effectively manage and cope with their emotions.”

For some, especially those that have experienced trauma, their window of tolerance may be smaller. Therefore, it can be difficult for them to stay in an optimal zone for emotional regulation. This means that a person is not as easily able to get grounded, and the perceived threat of a stressor consumes them so that they aren’t able to think as clearly. These stressors can cause an individual to leave their “window of tolerance” and find themselves in either hyper or hypo arousal.

Hyperarousal (aka the fight or flight response) symptoms include:

  • hypervigilance

  • anxiety

  • panic

  • anger

  • feeling overwhelmed

Hypoarousal (aka the freeze response) symptoms include:

  • emotional numbness

  • emptiness

  • feeling frozen

  • physically feeling shut down

Within our ideal window of tolerance, we feel calm, collected, connected to others, and able to work through emotions and stress.

Start observing how you handle stressful situations. Ask yourself, what is my window of tolerance? What happens when I’m outside of my window of tolerance?

Not only does learning about your window of tolerance help with your own individual wellbeing, it will help you learn to better respond and handle stressors in relationships as well. A counselor or therapist can help you to learn more about managing stress and increasing your window of tolerance. You can also try tools, such as mindfulness, to help you stretch your window of tolerance.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Why Couples Have the Same Arguments Over & Over Again

 

You and your partner are arguing – do you ever find yourself asking:

Why do we keep having the same argument over and over?

Will we ever be able to solve this problem?

If we aren't able to come to an agreement, will this keep us from having a happy relationship?

In this blog series, we’ll address these questions and offer ways to view disagreements in your relationship.

Let’s dive in… Why do we keep having the same argument over and over?

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver explain that research shows that 69% of all marital problems are perpetual in nature - they are continual or recurrent. If you do the math, you then realize that only an average of 31% of issues are solvable. This doesn’t mean that conflict between you and your partner shouldn’t matter or be attended to but that you can let go of some of the pressure to find resolution in every conflict that arises. That’s not likely to happen – conflict can and will recur, even in healthy relationships!

How do you determine if a problem is solvable or not? To answer this question, exploring the difference between solvable problems and perpetual problems is important:

- Solvable problems: Problems that arise due to situational circumstances and have very little to no underlying meaning attached to them; resolution is possible. 

- Perpetual problems: Problems that arise due to fundamental differences in you and your partner’s personalities or lifestyle needs; increased understanding of your partner’s perspective is possible, but resolution will be more elusive.

(Note: The category of perpetual problems includes a sub-type of problem referred to as gridlocked problems – these are perpetual problems that have evolved into conflict steeped with criticism and feelings of rejection by your partner.)

Don’t be discouraged if you still find it hard to categorize a specific problem you are having with your partner, even after reading these definitions – a solvable problem for one couple may be a perpetual problem for another couple. 

Hearing this information about the nature of our disagreements can elicit different reactions from different people. 

- Some people feel better: “This is completely normal, and most of our disagreements will be repetitive and over the same things.”

- Some people feel worse: “The odds are against us, and most of our issues will never come to a resolution.”

How does this make you feel? 

How does this make your partner feel? 

Now what do we do with this information?

In the next blog post in this series, we’ll examine how the same topic of conflict can be solvable, perpetual, or even gridlocked, depending on the couple. We’ll also explore how you and your partner can approach each type of problem.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

What Turns You On... or Off? What Couples Need to Know to Have Great Sex

 

“I think I need my hormones tested… I’m not interested in sex at all.”

“I’m trying to engage my partner in foreplay, but they don’t seem interested.”

Have you ever thought you or your partner might be depressed, out of love, or broken when it comes to intimacy? In the book, Come As You Are, author Emily Nagoski, Ph.D introduces a new way of thinking about arousal using what we call The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response.

The Dual Control Model doesn’t just look at what physically happens with sex, like previous models did, but also looks at what turns you on and what turns you off. For example, this model is concerned with what sights, sounds, or tastes rev you up or down. The model was developed in the 90’s by former Kinsey Institute director, John Bancroft, and Erick Janssen. 

Here’s how it works…

A great way of thinking about this is like the brakes and accelerator in a car. These two mechanisms work in tandem - the brakes need to be let off and there needs to be enough pressure on the accelerator to make the car move. 

This is all happening in your central nervous system. Your sympathetic nervous system acts as your accelerator (scanning the environment for potentially arousing content), while your parasympathetic nervous system acts as your brakes (scanning the environment for all the reasons why you shouldn’t have sex right now).

Some common examples of accelerators are:

  • your partner smelling really great

  • having a nice dinner earlier in the evening

  • when your partner does something that makes you proud

People might have brakes like:

  • needing the mood to be just right

  • feeling worried that it may take time to get aroused

  • your bedroom being a mess

What gives your car momentum and makes it move is a unique balance of brakes and accelerators that are different for every individual.

When you understand this model, it creates a great conversation for you to figure out your brakes and accelerators, as well as your partner’s, so that you can each work to create an ideal environment and context for great sex.

Nagoski has a sexual temperament questionnaire which you can explore in couples therapy or on your own with your partner. Check it out below!

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Meet the Counselors | Lindsay Poth

 

Meet Lindsay!

Lindsay is the most recent addition to the Austin Relational Wellness team. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate and provides couples therapy and individual counseling for adults in Austin, TX.

The Road to Becoming a Counselor

Lindsay’s journey to becoming a therapist came as a result of her own quest to learn more about herself, find a stronger sense of purpose in her life, and understand others’ perspectives more fully. Prior to entering counseling, Lindsay worked as a geophysicist in the oil and gas industry and lived overseas for several years. During this time, she was increasingly fascinated with how different people from various backgrounds and cultures related to each other. While contemplating a career change, Lindsay began teaching yoga at a studio in the Texas Hill Country. After class, her students started sharing their relational struggles and individual challenges – she quickly realized she was not qualified to help them. This realization led her to decide to return to school and pursue a new career in counseling.

Lindsay’s mother was a school counselor, so she grew up seeing how impactful the work of those in the helping profession could be – she still hears stories of how her mother positively affected many lives in her home community. Witnessing how her mother impacted others, as well as drawing on her own experience in therapy, has inspired her to collaboratively work with clients during their struggles and challenges in life. Lindsay believes in the power of healing relational wounds within relationships and is inspired to help her clients navigate this process in a safe, nurturing therapeutic space. 

Lindsay’s Work as a Couples Counselor with Austin Relational Wellness

Lindsay feels there is always hope for greater understanding of yourself, your partner, or your relationship. She enjoys working with couples who are experiencing challenges associated with communication, physical and emotional intimacy, infidelity, or trust recovery and working with individuals facing life transitions, discovering their own sense of self, or wondering how to bring more purpose to their daily lives. When working with couples, she draws from her specialized training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy and sex therapy.

Beyond the Counseling World

Lindsay graduated from St. Edward’s University with a Master of Arts in Counseling. She also holds a B.S. from Texas A&M University and a M.S. from The University of Oklahoma, both in Geophysics. While working on her counseling degree, Lindsay volunteered at a local counseling center, assisting with weekend workshops for couples and co-facilitating a women’s process group. She was also a Child Advocate Volunteer with CASA, assisting with the placement and adoption of three children. Outside of the therapy space, Lindsay is an avid traveler and enjoys hiking, yoga, country dancing, and spending time with her friends, her family, and her two Westies.

Get in Touch

To learn more about Lindsay or to schedule a couples therapy or individual therapy appointment, reach out to Lindsay through the button below. She offers a free 15-minute phone consultation for all potential new clients.

 

5 Steps to Stop Seeing Your Partner in a Negative Light

 

In our previous post, we set the stage for how couples can get stuck in a negative “frozen box” of seeing one another at their worst when fighting. Here, we will introduce a tool that a counselor using the Relational Life Therapy (RLT) model might use to help couples break out of this box, the Core Negative Image exercise.

Head to the post, Is a Negative View of Your Partner Affecting Your Relationship?, to understand the scenario for the following exercise:

Now, let’s take a look at how a couples therapist using RLT might help you and your partner using the Core Negative Image (CNI) exercise.

  1. Write down the adjectives that describe your partner at their worst - this description is your CNI of your partner 

    • You: lazy, selfish, unsupportive

    • Your Partner: demanding, critical, unforgiving

  2. Write down what you think your partner’s CNIs of you are - how do you think they see you at your worst?

    • You: nagging, mean

    • Your Partner: worthless, lazy

  3. Pause (regulate your nervous system) and check in on what part of these could be true. Next, have an open and honest dialogue with your partner exploring each of your CNIs with the guidance of your therapist.

  4. Identify ways in which you each exhibit CNI Confirming Behavior (aka - behaviors that reinforce the CNI you or your partner have of one another) and when you each exhibit CNI Busting Behavior (aka - behaviors that contradict the CNI you or your partner have of one another) .

    • You:

      • CNI Confirming Behavior: When you don’t take out the trash, the story I tell myself is that you are lazy, selfish, and unsupportive.

      • CNI Busting Behavior: He actually keeps the garage swept regularly, picks up an extra salsa on taco night for me even though he doesn’t want it, and supports me by listening when I’ve had a rough day. 

    • Your Partner: 

      1. CNI Confirming Behavior: When you yell at me to take out the trash, the story I tell myself is that you are demanding, critical, and unforgiving.

      2. CNI Busting Behavior: She actually expresses appreciation for my help with the kids and laundry pretty often. She also lets it slide when I screw up dinner on occasion.

  5. Now, with this new understanding and insight, you can use this information to inform future behaviors and reactions. You can use this insight as a “CNI Busting Behavior Compass” to gain awareness of what you’re reinforcing and choose to make a different choice and behave differently in these moments.

This exercise can be powerful and also very challenging to work through. After all, most of us would find it hard to hear how our partners see us at our worst. Even harder is accepting that, every so often, our most immature and wounded sides come out for our partners to see.

This is why it’s important to create a safe place for sharing and exploration. Because of the sensitive nature of the exercise itself, it’s important to have a therapist trained in Relational Life Therapy help you work through it at first.

With this support, couples can use this difficult conversation as an opportunity to lean into the hard parts of the relationship to step outside of the “frozen box” and step deeper into a space of greater insight, self-awareness, intimacy, and connection.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Is a Negative View of Your Partner Affecting Your Relationship?

 

Imagine yourself in this scenario:

You come home from a long day at work to find an overflowing trash can. Meanwhile, you turn to find that your partner is enjoying their day off from work and watching tv while lounging on the couch. You start to get heated. Your mind starts racing. You think to yourself… Really? Again? He’s seriously just going to lounge around all day without even thinking about taking out the trash? He is so lazy and unsupportive. Then you say to him, “Are you kidding me? You never take out the trash!”

Have you ever caught yourself thinking or saying something similar about your partner?

Has your partner ever said these things about you?

If so, what usually happens next?

Perhaps it goes something like this:

Your partner begins to think… Here we go again… nag, nag, nag. This is my only day off this week and she’s going to act like this? She’s so demanding. Your partner has been enjoying a much needed day off from work and is exhausted. They respond to you, “I’m so sick of this. All you ever do is nag me! Take out the trash yourself.” Then they storm out of the room. 

Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), states in his book New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work:

“The problem with trying to help (this couple) stop arguing with each other is that they actually aren’t arguing with each other anymore; they’re arguing with each other’s ghosts. By the time they move into ‘You always’ and ‘You never,’ they no longer address their real partner but rather a caricatured version of that partner… They are no longer actually fighting with each other, but rather with each other’s core negative image.”

Couples can get stuck in a “frozen box” of seeing their partner only as the worst version of themselves, which fuels the argument and the cycle continues.

The next time you find yourself in an argument with your partner, consider if you might be doing just this — thinking of your partner at their worst and seeing this negative image of them in those moments of conflict.

In my next post, we’ll explore how couples can move beyond this stuck place of arguing with one another’s core negative images and communicate in a more relational space with an RLT exercise I use in couples therapy called a Core Negative Image Exercise.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate